Posts Tagged With: blogging

Day 90: How I got back to sleep last night (featuring selling and sound effects)

Good morning!

Even though I often wake up feeling uneasy, this morning I woke up feeling pretty centered, relaxed, and optimistic.

I woke up in the  middle of the night, too.  (I’ve posted about mid-night awakenings and other sleep challenges,  like here, here, and here).  And I came up with some ideas, after waking up,  about how to get back to sleep.  I liked those ideas, to the extent that I thought, “I’d like to blog about that tomorrow.”

(Hmmmm.  It’s a weekend blog; therefore, I feel a digression coming on.  And what I would LOVE, right now, is  a sound effect for digression.  How about a quick day-dream-y harp?)

Digression about Selling

I’m STM (Smiling to Myself) right now, because I’ve noticed that the first few paragraphs of this post sound like I might be trying to sell you something. The language reminds me of the beginnings of advertising pitches: “I USED to have THIS PROBLEM. And then, I TRIED THIS.”

And just yesterday, I wrote about selling, fears about being taken advantage of, and how that can screw up  interpersonal connection.

But let’s face it, I try to sell people things, too.  We all do, don’t we?  Passing on advice or ideas is a kind of selling, even though the focus of giving advice (and of this blog) is not generating money.  Here’s a definition of “selling”, from the Free Dictionary:

1. To exchange or deliver for money or its equivalent.

2. To offer for sale, as for one’s business or livelihood: The partners sell textiles.

3. To give up or surrender in exchange for a price or reward: sell one’s soul to the devil.

4. To be purchased in (a certain quantity); achieve sales of: a book that sold a million copies.

5. a. To bring about or encourage sales of; promote: Good publicity sold the product. b. To cause to be accepted; advocate successfully: We sold the proposal to the school committee.

6. To persuade (another) to recognize the worth or desirability of something: They sold me on the idea.

I’m focusing on that last definition, which fits best.

As much as I think of myself as a Person Who Does Not Like To Give Advice (even though I’m a therapist!), I do like to persuade people — especially if it’s about something valuable I’ve learned.  So even if I do lose my investment  in the results of my persuasion — whether it actually helps somebody or not —   it’s still a kind of selling (according to Definition #6).

I mean, geesh!  Even linking to another blog post (as I have, several times, in this post) is an attempt at persuading you. When I link like that, I am essentially saying, “This is something else you might find helpful.”

So, in conclusion, Ladies and Gentleman of the Blog-o-Sphere, I am selling, too (according to Definition #6), even if it’s just Something That Might Help.

(Okay, now I want a sound effect to indicate the end of a digression, and a return to the point before the digression.)  (How about a gong?)

End of Digression About Selling

So here’s what helped me last night, when I woke up in the middle of the night.

I asked myself these questions (and gave brief responses!):

(1)  Is anything worrying you?

(2) If there is, what is it?

(3) Is it really something to worry about? That is, might you be safer than you think?

(4) Is it something that could be attended to right now?

(5) If so, could you do something quickly, as a next step?

(6) If not, could you make a quick note about it?

I didn’t have a pad of paper by my bed (or my cell phone) to make a note (which seemed like an important part of the process to me). Nevertheless, I got back to sleep pretty quickly.

And I woke up feeling pretty centered, relaxed, and optimistic.

That’s the data, folks.

I’m going to put my cell phone within reach tonight, before I go to sleep, and try this (one weird trick) again.

Thanks for reading!

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Day 89: Is somebody trying to sell me something?

(Note: This post was inspired by recent encounters with people — in the Blog-o-Sphere and elsewhere — who seem to be selling something.)

Is somebody trying to sell me something?  The answer to this question — no matter when I’m asking it — is undoubtably “Yes.”

Somebody  IS trying to sell me (and you) something, at any particular moment.

Why?  Because people have to survive, economically.  They have to make money.  And in order to make money, they have to sell something.

So when people are interacting with each other, sometimes $$$ is a major factor.  And that affects the communication, doesn’t it?

How could it not?

How important is it that we figure out HOW MUCH that is affecting the interaction?

It can feel very important to me.

If I am not aware of how money — the attempt to sell — is an aspect of an interaction, I might be taken advantage of. I might misinterpret what is happening in the communication.  I might assume I’m being seen in some way other than this:

TimmyWithDollarEyes

When I  start with a different assumption — a belief that an interaction is based on a non-monetary wish to connect — and then realize that money is at the heart of the transaction,  I can feel naive, like a fool.

I might feel the DTOS (Dreaded Thud of Shame).

Ouch.

Then, I might start asking questions like, “Who can I trust?”

The answer might become extreme:

:Trust-no-one

That’s not just a visual quote from the “X-Files.”  It’s also some serious  All-Or-Nothing Thinking (yep, another cognitive distortion):

All-or-Nothing thinking (also known as “Black-and-White thinking”).
Things are either all good or all bad, people are either perfect or failures, something new will either fix everything or be worthless. There is no middle ground; we place people and situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray, or allowing for complexities.  Watch out for absolute words like “always”, “never,” “totally,” etc. as indications of this kind of distortion.

It’s not helpful for me to think about trusting other people in all-or-nothing terms, or in any kind of extreme or rigid way.

It’s not  helpful for me to be less trusting, just because selling IS everywhere.  So what if  most of the e-mails, snail mails, and messages surrounding me ARE trying to sell me something? That doesn’t have to seep into my general experience of connection in the world.

Sometimes,  all the selling out there — and my  fears about my ability to accurately see and negotiate that —  can affect my experience of relationships.  I can become hyper-aware of people’s self-interest, and even wonder how much room there is for anything else.

But focusing on self-interest in relationships is  a distortion, too.  Self-interest is there, of course.  It has to be.  But there is  ALSO room for empathy, connection, and all the other human emotions and impulses that exist besides self-interest.

THE CLOSE*

So if I start to think that I am

  • naive
  • too trusting
  • in danger of being taken advantage of, or
  • in need of putting my guard up  (including with people I know)

it’s time to back off on those All or Nothing thoughts about trust.

It’s also time to back off from labels like “naive.” Hey!  I’m actually not naive.  I may make mistakes. Who doesn’t?  I’d have to be a mind reader to know people’s intentions, all the time.   Labeling myself as “naive” or “too trusting” ignores and downplays my experience — what I’ve learned in negotiating interpersonal issues in the past.

And, really, I’ve done all right so far.  I’ve managed to retain — in  the face of all those people selling things out there —  what I need, to keep going (like the computer I’m typing this post on, for example).

And  if somebody does “rip me off” in some way in the future, I’ll learn from that and survive it, probably quite nicely.

All those things are helpful to remember.  Very helpful.

THE CLOSE* (one more time)

So the answer to the question

t300-Carson

is not an all-or-nothing one.  It’s neither “everybody” nor “no one.”

Trust, like most things, can vary. I can choose how much I trust and whom, and adjust that based on new and changing information.  And, I probably have more personal power in any interaction — involving $$$ or not — than I  may think.

Ta da!

Thanks for reading (and for trusting, in some degree or another).

_______________________

*  A sales term for wrapping up and ending.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Day 87: Fame, Fortune, and “The Ceiling”

(This post is dedicated to my friends, whom I appreciate, very much.)

In my blog post yesterday I wrote about people reading and not reading my blog.  My focus, in writing that, was letting go of some unhelpful thoughts, most of which involved the Cognitive Distortion of Mind Reading.  (Example of mind reading, “People who aren’t reading my blog think I suck!”)

And that has been my focus, lately, to let go of unhelpful thoughts. I do that work with other people (in my job as a therapist)  and I do that work with myself.

Digression about Why This Blog? including Why the Title?

That is The Main Reason I started this blog and committed to writing in it, daily for a year —  to practice and learn about letting go of unhelpful thoughts, which usually involve self-judgment (like assuming that people’s thoughts about you are negative).   That’s why I chose the title of this blog.    And the title is somewhat ironic, because it’s a goal, not an expectation. I mean, I don’t expect that I will ever NOT have judgmental thoughts.  I just want to get better at recognizing them and letting go of them.  I’m human.  Cognitive distortions are human.  That’s why I don’t like the word “distortions.”  Humans aren’t distorted, so how can our thinking be called distorted?  Although, I do like the word “distortion” in this context:  cognitive distortions are (usually) not true.  They just feel like the truth.

The End

So, returning to where I was … my blog post of yesterday.  I got some interesting responses (here and elsewhere), including (1) people letting me know that they are faithful readers and (2) people focusing on my increasing my readership.  When I first read those comments, I thought, “Hmmmm.  That really wasn’t the point of my blog post.”

Or was it?

My intent in writing that blog post may have been letting go of unhelpful thoughts. However, whenever we put a communication out there, people will receive it in their own ways.  And what people receive often has to do with (1) their own stuff AND (2) other stuff that was there in the original message.  And I DO have thoughts about who is reading and increasing readership (and not all those thoughts are unhelpful, distorted ones).

Man, that paragraph was almost a long digression about Communication in General, but I pulled it back.  However,  I feel another digression coming on (cue the digression music, which sounds a lot like regular flashback music):

Digression about Digressions

Phew!  These Thursday morning posts are more digressive, naturally, because I always think I have more time (because I’m scheduled to go in late on Thursdays) (although I sometimes go in earlier than scheduled, because there is usually an interesting lecture to attend).  So I tend to luxuriate in writing a Thursday-morning post. (I guess I like settling in to a nice, cushion-y digression or two, if I have the time.)

The End (or IS it ?)

Maybe I should write these “luxurious” blog posts using a non-linear format.  Perhaps I should look into using a flow chart, using arrows labeled, “If you want to follow the original point”, so people can make their way through them more easily.

Okay, this is the point where I imagine my linearly-minded readers getting annoyed.  That’s Mind Reading, on my part, but here’s the deal: sometimes when we mind read, we’re right (about some people).

Oh, man.  I may never get to my intent in writing this blog post today, which I stated in the title — “Fame Fortune, and ‘The Ceiling’.”

Hmmmmm.

Elsewhere in this blog, I’ve speculated that when I DO digress, it’s because I’m avoiding getting to the topic I’ve set as a goal.  Maybe I’m avoiding this one because there’s some pain associated with it.

That would be a good guess, actually.

Let me cut to the chase and explain the title.

I have a ceiling for myself about how much fame and fortune I will attain in this world.  It’s related to what I Think I Deserve.

And it’s complicated, because I honestly don’t want to focus on attaining fame and fortune. I KNOW that is NOT the path I want. When I let go of (unavoidable) wishes to move towards those things, I am much happier, much more fulfilled, much more directed to my real values (which include authenticity, soul-deep work, and The Golden Rule — treating others the way I would like to be treated).

But I live in this world,  and those material values are pervasive here, aren’t they?  And some fame and some fortune can be fun, in a way — as long as they don’t guide my path.

But I’ve got baggage about my worthiness for those kinds of rewards (and I’m assuming I’m not alone in that).

Here’s one of my personal stories about Fame and The Ceiling:

Getting on Game Shows

by Ann

I love puzzles, word play, and trivia, and I’m good at those. And I’ve won some contests, using those skills. And I’ve used those skills, at times, in some pursuit of Fame and Fortune.

I tried out for a quiz show that used to be on the old Game Show Network, in the 90’s, called “Inquizition.”  That show had in-studio contestants and phone contestants. I tried out to be a phone contestant, made it, and won (against three other people, and a prize of about $250) (it was The Game Show Network, people). Then, I was invited to return — as a phone contestant, again — and compete with three other previous winners. I won again (with three times the cash, I think).

Then, I tried out for the game show “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”  And, I almost got on.  I was verrrry close.  Twice.  Both times, I didn’t make it, in ways that (1) made excellent stories and (2) were quite painful for me, at the time.

I’m not telling THOSE stories today.  Too long.  Probably still a little painful.

The disappointment of NOT appearing on a TV show becomes much more painful —  if there are  underlying beliefs/fears that I DO NOT DESERVE to be recognized, beyond a certain ceiling.

I’m not sure if I want fame, actually, but that’s not really my point right now.  What I’m focusing on  is that Sense of Self-Worth — That question:  How much do I deserve?

And I’m focusing on that because I think THAT’S what’s behind most Cognitive Distortions.  Thoughts like these:

I am not worthy enough. I do not deserve this.  

Those thoughts are The Mother Lode of all the other distorted thoughts.   They are the Core thoughts about our basic worth.  And when they’re negative, they’re very, very painful.

They  can distort our thinking, our vision, our hopes. Big time.

The Wish to Become Famous Through Appearing On A Game Show is not as powerful a wish for me these days. I know that, because I actually tried out for one — a NPR radio show —  last week. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t make it. And while that’s generated a twinge or two, and a stray thought like this:

I knew I wouldn’t get it!  Even though I had moments where I thought, “I deserve to be on this show as much as anybody else,”  that’s obviously not true.

I let go of those thoughts, really quickly. They barely lingered.

But they lingered enough to come up during this blog post. And who knows?  Perhaps if I hadn’t tried out for that game show, I wouldn’t be writing this post now.

That wish for fame — which may not be attached to being on a game show, now —  DOES still exist in me. It can free-float, attaching itself to other things. Like this blog, for example.

A few friends have said this to me, “I think your blog post is going to get picked up somehow, like with that woman in ‘Julie and Julia.'”

I have very wonderful friends.

Did I have a reaction to my friends saying things like that?  Sure.  I got a little thrill.  Every time. That’s s a fun thing to consider.  It is!  It’s recognition. Validation.  Big Time.  Fame and Fortune!  (And I’m guessing some other bloggers reading this have had a similar fantasy. How could they not?)

But I’m not letting the reactions to my blog — no matter how big or small —  guide me.  I’m letting go of my investment in that outcome. Not obsessively. Not puritanically. Just because letting go of investments in outcomes, in general, works well for me. And also, focusing on how people react to this blog can obscure my original intent.

But here’s what I really what I want to say this morning, before I leave for work. This is the punchline.   The end of the flowchart.

I am worthy and deserving, exactly how I am, right now, no matter what. 

No matter how much recognition I receive. No matter who reads this blog post. No matter what it generates in the universe. No matter whether I get on a game show, or not. No matter what I  do. No matter what I achieve —  Fame, Fortune, or Variations Thereof.

Try using that sentence, in italics above,  dear reader, and see what happens. It may seem like a  cliche, it may be gloopy ….  but it helps.

It’s acceptance of exactly where you are.

Thanks for being there.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Day 86: Dear Readers, Non-Readers, and Everybody In Between

I was trying to decide on a topic for my blog post today, and I was having a conversation about that with my bf. (BTW, I’m AAA  — Ambivalent About Abbreviations —  but I prefer “bf” to “boyfriend.”) In the course of that conversation, I asked him if he had been reading this blog lately.  He said he hadn’t read any posts recently.

And there are other people in my life who rarely read these posts.

I have to admit to you, dear reader, that who reads this blog, how frequently or infrequently, does have an effect on me.

I work on losing my investment in the outcome of readership.  And I can often do that.

BUT ….

At the same time (probably like other bloggers), I also have this fantasy of people waiting for every post and DEVOURING EVERY WORD.

And I do have some readers who actually come close to fulfilling that fantasy of mine. And I feel incredibly lucky and flattered about that.

But, here’s the deal.  The NOT reading feels more powerful — more important — than the reading.

The Negative sticks. It can seem more powerful than the positive.

During the first month of this Year of Blogging Daily, I considered writing a post titled “My Boyfriend Doesn’t Read My Blog.” I thought that was a catchy title. (And I was also wondering how long it would take him to see it.)

I didn’t write the post, though, because the title was … not true.  He does read it.  Sometimes he reads several days in a row.

But look at how I re-cast that  balanced story in my head, to accentuate the negative. I made it all-or-nothing:  “My boyfriend doesn’t read my blog.”

Because the negative is more powerful.

When people aren’t reading my blog posts,  here are some negative thoughts that can rush in:

They don’t like my writing!  If I was a better writer, they would be reading more frequently!

And if The Somebody Who Is Not Reading is somebody close to me,  those negative thoughts aren’t just rushing in, they’re carrying extra luggage:

The people who know me best don’t find me interesting.

OR

If people really cared about me, they would want to read my blog.

Ouch.

Those negative thoughts all involve the cognitive distortion of mind reading.  So, to challenge that, I need to go to the experts on that experience — the experience of not always reading my blog.

Those people who are close to me tell the story differently. And when I let that story in (instead of my fear-based, self-judgmental story), I hear things like this:

Those posts are good, they’re well-written, but you know what?  I’d rather hear those thoughts from you in person.

I like that story better. I hope I can remember it (especially when those pesky, matched-luggage-carrying thoughts are trying to rush in).

Thanks for reading (whenever you do).

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Day 83: Managing Expectations

Here are some random thoughts about managing expectations — a RHP (Really Happening Lesson)* for me these days.

Managing expectations helps reduce anxiety. 

I’m starting with this thought, because it’s the one that’s most relevant to me, in the moment.

That is, I would like to manage your expectations, dear reader, about this blog post.  That would help reduce my anxiety about writing it.

(I would also like to add, right here, that Managing Expectations does MORE than help reduce anxiety. It helps out in many interpersonal interactions — at work, with family, socially, etc.)

 

This morning, for me,  managing expectations does not involve making excuses or apologies for the limits of the post.

Yay!  I’m so glad to be able to write that today, since I know there have been previous posts where I HAVE had the urge to apologize, in advance, for what I was about to write. (And I hear people doing that — apologizing up front for what they are about to say.)

So that’s tres cool, I think, that I’m in a secure enough place, this morning, to NOT feel the need to do that.

However, I would like to manage your expectations about how long I am going to take to write this post, as follows:

I will be taking approximately 20 minutes to write this post. After that, I will be meeting an old friend for brunch and for a walk. I would like to publish before I leave, and then edit afterwards only to correct mistakes and clarify possible miscommunications.

Whoa!  Just one second.  I just realized something.

I am not just managing YOUR expectations by explaining the limit of how long I have to write this blog post.

I’m managing mine, too!

Managing expectations involves setting limits.

What I did, above in the italics, was set limits,  which helps me.  That is, by saying that I will take 20 minutes to write this, and then go out, into the Life-o-sphere* — to connect with somebody and then take a walk (two types of Personal Medicine, for me) — I am setting a frame for what kind of post this will be.  

Because I have limited time, I am now telling myself  that l will NOT do the following:

  • anything too fancy or time-consuming (like looking up outside references or taking time to define terms).
  • connect to too many links, unless it’s really easy (e.g., past blog posts).
  • start a list that I then need to fill out, unless it feels manageable.
  • try to be perfect or even close to perfect in what I write.

(Of course, I just told YOU what I would NOT be doing, and that helps, too.)

Here are some things that I CAN do, however:

  • write a good enough post
  • maybe even introduce a short-cut, time-saving solution to my urge to define terms or give more info (like using asterisks within the text).

And that is THE key to managing expectations, dear reader.

Manage expectations by stating clearly what you can do AND what you cannot do.

Tell yourself what you can and cannot do, and also communicate it to others, as clearly as you can.

 

Earlier this morning, my friend — whom I’m meeting for brunch — called me to tell me that she was running late.  She explained how she had woken later than she expected and had to talk to somebody on the phone, unexpectedly.  She called to manage my expectations. She estimated that she would be 15 minutes later than we had originally planned.

But I suspected something, based on my own experience.

I said to her, “Would you like to make it a half-hour later?”

I heard an intake of breath.  She said, “Actually, that would be helpful.”

And I thought, of course.  Which leads me to my final thought for managing expectations, today:

Try not to over-promise.

I see this a lot (in myself and others).  People over-promise for lots of reasons  (including guilt, fear, the wish to please, assuming you know what the other person wants, and so on).

So watch out for this, please. And consider readjusting your promises, by checking out assumptions (e.g., my friend may have thought about me, “she wants to meet me as early as possible!”)

It’s time for me to go.  Thanks for reading, as always.

__________________________________

*  New terms, I just made up, perhaps to be explored in future blog posts.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Day 72: Short on words, long on gratitude

Hi, everybody.

I am feeling a lot of gratitude as I’m writing this post.

I’m grateful for my health.

I’m grateful for my family.

I’m grateful for my friends.

I’m grateful that I get to do work that I love and value.

I’m grateful that when I am kind to people, most people are kind back to me.

I’m grateful that there is something to learn no matter what the circumstances, even when the circumstances are painful (and I feel incapable of learning in the moment).

I am grateful for the privileges given to me by the accidents of where I was born and who I am.

I am grateful for all the different parts of my past, because they have contributed to who I am today.

I am grateful that I live in a time where I can connect with people in so many different ways.

I am grateful for you, dear reader.

Thanks.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Day 69: To Do Lists (How NOT to get overwhelmed)

So!   I’ve been learning a lot lately about managing tasks and ideas, almost as quickly as this guy:

gary-lockwood

(For previous references to this Star Trek episode in this blog, see here and here.)

Here are some things I’ve been learning (and re-learning) about getting things done, without feeling overwhelmed.  (By the way, if you feel overwhelmed by the length of this list — or by all the links  in this post —  see #1, below.)

# 1. You don’t have to do everything immediately.

Often, you don’t even have to do anything immediately.

When I think of something I have to do, sometimes I act immediately for fear that I’ll forget it or I won’t do it.  And sometimes that immediate action is not only unnecessary, it’s not advisable.  (For example, lately I have been fighting the urge to record an idea or make a phone call on my cell phone while I’m driving.)

Have faith that if an idea is important, it will re-occur to you in the future. When you think of a task you need to do, even if it feels urgent, take a breath and allow yourself to ask a few questions about it — How urgent is this, really?  How should I prioritize it? When might I have time to do it well enough?

In general, have faith in your process. Try  telling yourself “I have all the time I need” (even if you don’t really believe it).

# 2. It can help to write things down.

To Do Lists for tasks and lists of ideas can be very helpful, especially for actions or ideas that (1) you can’t act on it on the moment or (2) you are likely to forget.

I have mixed feelings about To Do Lists.  They can help me remember things, but I’m concerned they might become Dreaded Lists of Shoulds and Proof To The Universe about What I’m Not Doing.

Also, I might lose a To Do List, and then spend precious time looking for the friggin’ thing.

However, I do have a big notebook at work where I write down my Really Important Things To Do, and that seems to work.  I’ve been trying to use my various electronic devices, too, as additional Ticklers, Reminders,  Updates, Notifications, etc. etc.  but haven’t quite mastered those options yet.

A Digression (and short Temper Tantrum) about Tasks and  Technology

There are SO many choices of how my cell phone, my lap top, and work computer can  remind me about stuff!!  Eeeek! That gets  overwhelming.  It’s like technology is getting better at helping us keep track of things at the same exact pace that technology is making us need to keep track of more things.

End of Digression

#3.  If there is an idea or a task that you CAN act on in the moment, consider doing it in the moment.

This may sound contradictory with #1 above, but there you go.

Letting go of shoulds and the anxiety about “I have to do this NOW!” can help you act in the here and now (and procrastinate less).

Here are some thoughts that can make it difficult to act in the moment:

  • This is important, so I have to do it well (or perfectly).
  • I don’t have enough time!! (Hint: there’s never enough time for perfection.)
  • There’s a chance for failure here, and that would make me feel worse.

To deal with paralyzing perfectionism, fears of failure, and too-much-to-do,  practice giving  yourself some slack.   Try doing something  that’s Good Enough, within a short period of time.  Making some progress will help (and you can always go back to it later).

#4.  Set limits with other people.

If other people are involved in the tasks you need to do,  it’s very helpful to set their expectations.  This can do wonders in reducing future anxiety — it’s like an anti-anxiety inoculation!

Here’s how it works.  When somebody is making a request of you (verbally or implied), respond with some version of this:

I can do this. I cannot do that.

An expanded version  of the above is:

I can do these things  (by this time).  I cannot do these things (unless I get more resources). 

You might worry that the person you are setting limits with will take offense at that.  If you are clear, direct, and specific, they will probably appreciate knowing this information.  And,  they will be more likely to leave you alone while you are getting things done!

You might not set limits or manage expectations perfectly. You might  promise something initially which you can’t meet. (I’m getting better at setting limits, but I tend to over-promise and under-estimate the time I need to do something.) If you over-promise or under-estimate,  let  the other person know as soon as possible,  thus reducing your future anxiety and guilt, as well their potential pissed-off-ed-ness. 

#5. Allow yourself the room to be “not perfect.”

You may think you need to be perfect, but nobody else expects that from you. (If somebody does expect perfectionism from others, they will be disappointed. If they don’t learn from that disappointment, they will be disappointed — and ineffective at dealing with people — their whole lives.)

You  don’t  have to get things right the first time — whether it’s managing expectations, writing, or anything else. You can recover from most “mistakes.”

Do you believe that?

Try believing it, and see what happens.

#6. Set limits with yourself.  

Give yourself a time limit to work on something. Limit the number of tasks you are going to try to accomplish.  

For example, I find it helps me to set a time limit on how long I spend writing my blog posts during the week days, and also limit myself to one blog post per day.

#7. Take care of yourself.

If you feel overwhelmed, take a break. Consider the possibility that you don’t HAVE to do anything right now. (I wrote a long post about that, here.)

If you are physically uncomfortable, change your position or adjust the heat.

If you need food, get yourself some (as soon as you can).

If you need sleep, get yourself some (as soon as you can).

#8.  Prioritize.

Recognize that you might have too much to do, and  choose one task to do next.

Let go of guilt and judgment about what you’re not doing. (I wrote more about that, here.)  

Notice and compensate for distorted priorities.

(Here’s some typical distorting prioritizing from me, which I’m doing less these days:

I need to do this NOW, because if I don’t, this person will be ANGRY, and I’m afraid of that person or I’m afraid I will lose that person.)

Where I work, everybody has too much to do, and that seems to be getting worse as time goes on.  People are coming up with creative ways to deal with this.

A  nurse I really like came into my office the other day to share how she manages having too much to do, without becoming overwhelmed.

One of the things she told me was, “I ask myself,  ‘Which is the task and which is the interruption?’  If I  can’t tell which is which, that means I’m overwhelmed. Then, I choose one and proceed with that one. And …. I cannot  choose incorrectly.”

I thought that was great.

#9. Recognize that there are some tasks you just don’t want to do.  

Allow yourself to have some sort of tantrum about that, if that would help.

 (I DON’T WANT TO WORK ON MY TAXES TODAY!!!!!! It’s not fair!!!)

(Better.)

Then, break that task into small steps and take the next one.

(First, I have to locate my documents. How about one document?  That seems do-able)

Consider giving yourself a reward for doing a task you don’t want to do. 

(I’m going to see the movie “Argo” at 4:30!!)

Also, try to reduce the pain of the actual process.

(Somebody at a group last week suggested working on taxes while listening to music you really love. I’ll listen to music on my headphones while looking for these friggin’ documents.)

Let go of cognitive distortions and the resulting guilt or shame about this:

( What’s the matter with me?  This shouldn’t be so hard!  I’m such a weird-o about doing taxes. Other people don’t have this problem. I probably shouldn’t even be writing about this in the blog. People are going to think I’m strange!  There is NO reason why I haven’t been able to get to this before today!)

(Hmmm. Actually, all of those statements above are false.)

(Better.)

#10.  Figure out short cuts and save them, for future easy access and use.  

Figure out short cuts that work for you, and try to make these short cuts easy- to-access, especially when you’re in the midst of being overwhelmed.

I’ve been trying to figure out short cuts at work lately, because I have way too much to do. (Like everybody else there.)  For example, I’ve been making templates of the notes I need to write,  giving myself prompts and choices for information I need to include. 

I’ve been trying to figure out short-cuts here, too, so I can blog more quickly and efficiently. For example, I looked for a short-cut, yesterday, for inserting a copyright symbol at the end of a blog post.

It’s even simpler than I expected. You can simply type a copyright symbol. On a Mac, it’s Option + G. 

#11. Let go of judgment about how you’re doing.

Tell yourself “I’m doing the best I can” in managing tasks and ideas (whether or not you believe it). Cut yourself some slack, especially if you’re doing something new (or something that feels new, because you haven’t done it enough times or recently enough to feel practiced).

#12. Be aware of your strengths and limits.  

Use your strengths whenever you can, and let go of judgment about your limits.

#13. Ask for help, especially regarding your limits.

This may be hard to do, but try this, please.

#14.  If  you are stuck, choose something easier to try.

If you are having trouble getting things done, choose one task that seems the most do-able in the moment.

#15. Consider editing your list. 

Change priorities and even delete things that just aren’t that important to get done.  Consider making things simpler.

#16. Pad your list, to give yourself a sense of accomplishment.  

Put things on your list that you’ve already started. Add  routine tasks. This will give you  a sense of accomplishment when you cross them off..

#17. Notice your resistance, letting go of judgment.

If you’re resisting doing something, assume that — on some level — that resistance makes sense. See if you can figure that out.  Even if you can’t, try to let go of judgment about the resistance.

Also resistance may mean that you don’t yet have what you need (data, support, completing something else first) in order to continue with your task.

Wow!  That list included a LOT of what I know, about a lot of things.

I wonder if there’s anything I have left to tell you  for the rest of this year?

Hmmm. Maybe I should do a To Do List about writing future blog posts.

  1. Start a list of ideas for future blog posts.  (Pssst!  I’ve already done that!)
  2. Keep adding to that list.
  3. Remember that I don’t have to come up with completely new topics.  I can keep writing about similar topics, in different ways (hence role-modeling the importance of “practice, practice, practice”).
  4. Consider spending the rest of the year posting more scenes from that Star Trek episode with Gary Lockwood.

That’s a good enough list, for now.

Thanks for reading.

© 2013 Ann Koplow

(Note:  I just want to let my  regular readers know that my test results came back and I do NOT have endocarditis. Yay!)

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 28 Comments

Day 68: Barriers to Connection

This post is dedicated to my wonderful cousin, Lani, because the number 68 is very special to her.

Connection is super important to me.  And, while I only truly know my own experience, I’ve gotta believe that connection is also very important to most of you reading this.  (Data supporting this assumption:  If connecting with other people and their ideas was NOT important to you, why would you be reading this?)

I think a lot about connection — because of the work I do as a psychotherapist and because it makes life worthwhile for me.

Therefore, I also think a lot about the barriers to connection. What gets in the way of human beings connecting better with each other?

I will now make a list of possible candidates.

Barriers to Connection I Have Known

by Ann Koplow

Barrier #1.  My own insecurities.

This is probably the biggest barrier to my connecting in a more authentic, uncomplicated, and effective way to other people.  As a matter of fact, this might be a very short list. And a very short blog post.

Let’s see, do I have more to say about this?

Well, I could list my insecurities, which get in the way of connecting with other people.

Here are some of them:

  1. I’m not smart enough.  There are so many things that other people know that I don’t.
  2. I’m too smart, in some weird way, and people don’t understand what I’m trying to tell them.
  3. I’m just weird, because of my unique set of past experiences, so people don’t understand what I’m trying to tell them.

Okay.  Is there anything else I want to tell you about this, today, dear reader?

I guess not.

It looks like a beautiful day outside.  I’m going out there, people!

Thanks for reading.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Day 66: Random Thoughts, before an 8:30 appointment

I woke up this morning feeling scared, and my natural preference for that was to isolate.

So I was choosing to write in my blog, rather than to talk to my boyfriend.

I noted that, and realized that it might be more helpful to connect with another person.

So I consciously chose to talk to him, briefly, before coming downstairs to write this blog post.

My wish this morning is to write this post before I leave for an 8:30 dentist appointment.

I know that what will help me to write this blog post quickly is to give this post a title like “Random Thoughts,” because that will quiet down my critical self, and allow me to just write, rather than judging and rewriting as I go.

I woke up pretty scared this morning, immediately aware of my hip pain, and my associated fear that I have endocarditis.

I wondered if this hip pain is “psychosomatic” — that there is actually nothing wrong with me.

I also have been worrying — now that I’ve blogged about this fear, sharing it with who knows how many people — that sharing this might have been a mistake.

Of course, it’s done, and I can’t undo that, and worrying about what is in the past does not help.

But that worrying has been very pervasive since I posted yesterday, so it might be helpful to look at that for a moment.

What seems to help me — when I’m scared — is to identify a link with my past, when I was a scared little girl in the hospital, dealing with heart problems and surgeries, alone without my parents for most of the time. (I write more about that experience, here.)

I had a pacemaker, starting at age 10, and because technology was so new, the pacemakers would break, a lot. The batteries would run down, the wires would break in various places, once the casing of the pacemaker — which wasn’t strong enough — “got permeated by my body fluids” (I swear I remember them using that exact phrase, when I was a kid).

It’s occurring to me now that my family and I, if we had been a litigious bunch, I suppose, could have sued about this stuff. Because, looking at it now, with the eyes of an adult, in a law-suit-permeated society, I guess we could have “made the case” that they were putting these pacemakers in a child before the pacemakers had been tested enough.

But this was at the dawn of pacemaker technology, and we didn’t have a choice. It was either use new pacemakers or lose me. At least, that was the story the doctors were telling, and i think that was a reasonable story at the time.

I remember my mother telling me the story of how the doctors broke the news to them that they had decided to put a pacemaker in me, at age 10. I had a heart stoppage during an observation visit at the hospital, which the doctors had never witnessed before. We think that my heart had stopped twice before, at that point, because I had fainted, once at home and once in the school yard. “Heart stopppages.” That term might not be accurate, right now, because in all three cases, my heart started up on its own again.

But the doctors still reacted very strongly when I fainted at the hospital, and they realized that my heart had stopped (and then started up again). They totally changed the game plan, and decided to put in a pacemaker the next day. My memories are that they had never even mentioned a pacemaker as a possibility before. (Or maybe they had mentioned it to my parents, who then kept that possibility from me. But I don’t think so.)

So after I fainted in the hospital (which I think was either on November 20th or 21st, 1963), the doctors decided to put in a pacemaker ASAP (which was on Friday, November 22).

That is a date which some readers will recognize immediately. November 22, 1963.

Anyway, I will say more about that in a future post.

So to return to my immediate goal this morning — I want to write a post that is helpful (for me) (and, therefore, perhaps for others) and reasonably coherent, by 7:15, which is 13 minutes from now.

So what is it that is most important for me to communicate this morning?

These random things:

When I am more scared than usual, there is usually an association with my past — when I was (apparently) a terrified little girl, alone in the hospital.

It helps me to name that. It helps remind me that I am NOT a scared little girl, alone in the hospital now.

I have skills I didn’t have then.

I have knowledge I didn’t have then.

I have connections I didn’t have then.

While I feel like I’m alone — while I feel like I have to withdraw from others in order to protect myself — I am not alone.

I think that’s what I needed to write this morning. I feel better now and ready to go out into the world, meet my obligations of the day, and bear my fears about my current medical condition.

However, I have seven more minutes!

So I’ll use the time to write down some other, less crucial random thoughts, dear reader.

Here they are:

When I use the term “dear reader” in my blog (even though both my son and my boyfriend don’t like that term), it’s my way of consciously trying to connect.

I’m good at connecting with people. I had to be, to survive as a little girl alone in the hospital.

I love that I’m good at connecting with people. It makes me good at my job, as a psychotherapist. It adds color and value to my life, every day, at work and everywhere else I go.

When I’m more scared, depressed, in worse mood, “more symptomatic” (whatever language I use for feeling worse), I tend to isolate.

And part of isolating is mind reading — projecting onto others my fears and judgments about my self.

One thing I’ve been doing since I blogged yesterday — which was a tough and important post for me to write — has been feeling some shame about sharing things that feel that personal — and medical — with people I know but also many, many people (even though I don’t know how many) that I don’t know.

It has been occurring to me a lot lately that blogging — sharing in the blogosphere — is very much like doing a therapy group. It evokes a lot of the same benefits — connecting and letting go of old habits and fears — as well as the same fears — have I said too much? will people judge me?

Sometimes I feel like a facilitator (group leader) when I’m doing this “Blogging Group”, and sometimes I’m more of a participant.

When I write about illness and fear, I feel like more of a participant.

Being a participant in a group is riskier than being a facilitator/group leader.

I have three more minutes!

It’s helping me to write down these thoughts.

There are lots of other things that I might write here, because I have lots of thoughts and have had a rich and complex past.

But what feels most important for me to say?

I guess I want to let you know that I have been projecting some old fears and hospital experiences on to you — my readers.

I’ve felt scared because I told you, yesterday, about my fears of having endocarditis. And that got me into a whole series of scary thoughts, which remind me of when I was a kid in the hospital, with a failing pacemaker.

Here are some thoughts that came up when I was a kid thinking something was wrong with me medically (that my pacemaker was failing), and which come up now (that I am afraid I have endocarditis):

Should I tell other people about this?

If I do tell other people about this — that I’m afraid that there is something wrong with my health — something that might be life-threatening — there are some risks.

I might be wrong. If I’m wrong and I got other people scared, I might lose them. They might get annoyed that I caused them unnecessary worry. I might lose credibility with them. “She’s the girl who cried ‘Wolf!’ We stopped listening to her!” And I did feel, when I was a kid, that I had to be right, 100% of the time, when I let people know I feared that my pacemaker was failing. If I was wrong one time, I believed THAT is what would stick — and they would never believe me again. But if I didn’t say something, I might die, because of a faulty pacemaker, which I was aware of, because my heart was skipping, but which was intermittently malfunctioning, so that the doctors could not replicate the problem at first. So i DID need to say something, But I might be wrong.

So being wrong was/is very scary.

I might be right. If I was right, I would need to have surgery (or — if I’m right about the endocarditis, I’ll need to leave work for a while and be on IV antibiotics for 6 weeks, and this will have been the fourth time, and last time, they said they might need to take some drastic measures, like extracting all my teeth) (NO!!!).

So being right was/is very scary.

Okay, I ran three minutes over. I think I can still get to my appointment on time.

I am not reading this over, at all, dear reader, before I post. I might, later, read this over and make some very basic corrections, if my fear is that I’ve lost you too badly. I want you to understand me!

Okay, now I’m done.

One more thing, of course: thanks for reading.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Day 62: Self Disclosure

Self disclosure — what I reveal about myself — is something I think about a lot, in my work as a group and individual psychotherapist and, now, here in the blogosphere.

Some people who comment to me about this blog have said, “You are so brave, revealing so much of yourself!” I don’t feel brave about what I am writing here. As I’ve said in several other posts, I choose what to write here based on What Will Help Me To Write, in the moment. One might call that selfishness, not bravery.

At the same time,  I recognize that it does take courage for people to expose themselves — because exposure increases vulnerability.

And I do feel fear, at times, after I launch a post into the Blogosphere with the “Publish” button. Sometimes, before clicking that Blue Square of Publishing, I hesitate. And after the launch, several fearful questions can arise — ones that I witness people experiencing in group therapy — such as, Did I reveal too much? Have I put myself in some danger now? Will I lose some people? Will I get hurt? Will I hurt others?

In my work, I am not a “blank slate” kind of therapist. My style is to self disclose, in a thoughtful way. I do let people know what I’m thinking, authentically, usually focusing on their issues — on their journey. When I self-disclose as a therapist, I often ask myself this question first, “Who is this for?” and I let the answer, “For the other person” help guide my choices in self-disclosure.

But the truth is that the answer to that question, “Who is this for?” isn’t a simple one, because any self-disclosure I do is also for … me.

I also guide and limit my self-disclosures as a therapist in another way. I don’t tell people personal details about myself and my life outside of my work. I reveal “existential” information about myself — that is, how I experience and deal with primal, human issues, like dealing with loss, self-doubt, fear, the need to connect with others, and so on.

And I have heard from many clients, patients, and group members — people I’ve worked with in different ways — that the way I self-disclose has been very helpful for them.

But my self-disclosure as a therapist is something I have some fears about, because there are no clear rules. Or — especially in the Earlier Days of Psychotherapy — the Rules of Self-Disclosure can be very rigid, like “Thou Shalt Reveal NOTHING!” And psychotherapy is not a science, folks, as much as some practitioners may want to think that it is, or believe that it’s getting closer to a science. So, to a certain extent, those of us in the Therapy Biz are all making this up as we go along. (Mind-Reading Moment: I’m imagining other therapists reading this paragraph and getting angry.) (Catastrophizing Moment: I’m imagining losing credibility in the Therapy Biz because of what I’m writing here.)

Phew! As usual, catching myself Mind Reading, Catastrophizing, or engaging in any other cognitive distortion — like I just did in that last paragraph —  helps me to let go of fear. And I feel better!

So where was I?

Here’s some self disclosure.  When I ask myself  “So where was I?” I am really asking, what did I want to communicate here?  That is, What was my wish, my intent for this communication?  Because that guides what I choose to write, even if I “veer off” along the way with extraneous thoughts.

Here’s some more self disclosure. I am a lot more forgiving of other people’s imperfections or humanity than I am of my own.  People I witness often apologize to me about their asides, their digressions — how they get “waylaid” when they are telling a story, by “extraneous” thoughts.  When they apologize, I often say, completely authentically — “That’s the way people tell stories.”

But yet, I have trouble forgiving that humanity — that we are not perfect, linear story tellers — in myself.

Which reminds me of  one of the Antidotes (to Cognitive Distortions) I’ve been collecting:

  • The “Double-Standard” Method. Instead of judging yourself harshly, talk to yourself as compassionately as you might to a friend with a similar problem. Also, ask yourself, “How would I react if somebody else did this?”

So, to go back to that “Where was I?” question — What was it I wanted to reveal here today?  What did I think would help me to write?  Which also includes this:  What did I feel a yearning to communicate to you, my reader, today?

Here are  some things I wanted to self-disclose today:

I wanted to let you know about other important members of My Team (people who help me survive in this world by giving me personal or practical support). The team members I wanted to tell you about today include Bob and Laurie, who work at the Pacemaker Clinic, where I go for periodic check-ups.

IMG_0524

I wanted to let you know that I’ve felt connected to Bob for several years, and that I appreciate, so much, how he treats me with respect.

I  also wanted to let you know that, until Thursday (when I took this picture),  I feared working with Laurie, because I did not feel connected with her. Because her style is so different from mine, I projected judgment onto her, and mind-read that she was thinking negative things about me, like “This woman is  a pain-in-the-neck patient.”  “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

I wanted to let you know something else about Laurie and my encounter with her on Thursday: I expected to work with another person at the clinic that day, named Melanie, whom I’ve known, trusted, and pretty-much-loved for over 20 years, and when Laurie came to get me for my test,  I knew that I was showing my disappointment.  As Laurie was putting the electrodes on me for my pacemaker test (which, honestly, has scared me for each of the hundreds of times I’ve had those tests before), I felt so lousy — with disappointment, anger, fear, and disconnection —  that I decided to do something new and be authentic with her. So I said, ” Laurie.  I don’t feel a connection to you. I wanted to let you know that.  I also wanted to say something, that feels important, to myself and to you, right now.  It used to be important to me, when I was a kid, to feel connected to everybody who treated me medically.  But I’m not a kid any more. I don’t need that connection with everybody who treats me.”

I don’t know if Laurie understood everything I was saying to her, but she was authentic with me, too. She told me, in her own words, “I know you don’t feel connected to me. I know you feel much more connected to the other people here.  That’s why I offered you the chance to wait for Bob to be available. Not everybody feels connected to everybody else.  Some people feel connected to me, others don’t.”

And that exchange with Laurie was one of the best things that happened to me that day.

It was also great to see Bob after my test (which showed that everything was working great, by the way) and to blab with him a mile-a-minute about birthdays, vacations, What’s Going On With My Pacemaker, etc. etc.

And when I asked if I could take a picture of both Laurie and Bob and put them in my blog, they both seemed pleased to oblige.

I also wanted to tell you that after I took this picture of Laurie and Bob, I met with Dr. Mark Estes, who is one of  two Crack Cardiologists on my team.

The Lead Cardiologist on My Team is Dr. Deeb Salem, whom I’ve been working with for over 30 years and who I pretty-much-adore, because he, from the moment I met him — when I was interviewing cardiologists after I decided to leave Children’s Hospital, where I had been treated from birth —  showed me how smart he was and also treated me with respect. He let me know that he would treat me as a partner and an equal if we worked together.

And — like they did in my first encounter with my mechanic, Mark —  all my Trust Indicators came up green when I first met Dr Salem.  And Dr. Salem has been incredible — the most appreciated Medical Team Member I could ever imagine — ever since.

But I wanted to tell you, today, about Dr. Estes.  Dr. Estes — because his style is different from mine — is also somebody with whom I’ve Mind Read in the past. That is, I’ve projected judgment onto him, specifically fearing that he might experience me as a pain-in-the-neck patient.  And this is totally unfair to Dr. Estes, which I’ve known before, but which hit me with a burst of new understanding on Thursday, when he sat down and talked to me for about fifteen minutes after my pacemaker test with Laurie.

Dr. Estes is a very smart, very well-respected pacemaker specialist. He is also kind, thoughtful, and — above all — a very modest guy. As he self-disclosed to me on Thursday, “It’s my Quaker background.”  He did not want me to take a picture of him and feature him in a blog post because, as he said in his own words,  I don’t want to do anything that seems like self-promotion.

Dr. Estes also let me know, in new ways on Thursday — which I was able to take in because of the work I’ve been doing on self-acceptance — that he really appreciates me as a patient. He acknowledged that other doctors might find me a handful, because — as he said in his own words — I’m intelligent, I ask lots of questions, and I am complicated medically — but he said this to me, very clearly, on Thursday: I really enjoy working with you, Ann, exactly how you are.

And those encounters I had at The Pacemaker Clinic on Thursday felt so important to me, so liberating, so moving, that I walked away from that appointment, with tears in my eyes.

And I have tears in my eyes, now, dear reader.

Okay.  My work here is done today.

Thank you so much for witnessing, as I self-disclose along this always surprising, team-supported journey.

P.S.  I don’t think I will hesitate much before pressing “Publish” today.

P.P.S. Which is amazing!

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

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