Psychotherapy

Day 4179: Don’t expect you from them

Posted on June 11, 2024 by Ann Koplow

“Don’t expect you from them” is a piece of wisdom I often share with my patients. Because I don’t expect them to remember it, I have that saying up on my white board at work.

Whenever I hear somebody say “I can’t believe so-and-so would act that way. I would never do that!” I’ll say “Don’t expect you from them.”

If you do expect people to act or feel the way you would, you will probably be disappointed and resentful, and you may conclude negative assumptions about the other person, including “this person doesn’t care about me.”

Don’t expect you from me if you would offer more explanations or illustrations at this point, because I’m not going to.

I don’t expect me from you, so I have no idea how you’re going to react to the other images I have to share with you today.

Don’t expect you from them, including the Daily Bitch.

I have no expectations about what I’ll find when I search YouTube for “don’t expect you from them.”

Don’t expect you from them but you can always expect gratitude from me for YOU.

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism, Psychotherapy | Tags: “Stop Expecting YOU from Others”, being kind to oneself, cats, Cyrus Ausar, June 11 2024, letting go of expectations, letting go of resentment, salmon dish, The Daily Bitch Calendar, Twitter | 11 Comments

Day 4088: Exhausting

Posted on March 12, 2024 by Ann Koplow

As a therapist these days, I find that responding “that must be exhausting” is almost always the correct, empathic thing to say.

I also notice that asking people on Twitter “what’s exhausting?” gets twice as many responses as “what’s awesome?”

What’s exhausting in my images for today?

As if all that weren’t exhausting enough, here’s what I find when I search for “exhausting” on YouTube.

If it’s not too exhausting, please leave a comment below.

Thanks to all who are here for this exhausting post, including YOU!

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism, Psychotherapy | Tags: “You’re Exhausting”, Beth Crowley, chicken parmigiana, exhausting quotes, March 12 2024, The Daily Bitch Calendar, The Longwood Medical area, threads, Twitter, worry | 7 Comments

Day 4004: Unconditional self love

Posted on December 19, 2023 by Ann Koplow

Yesterday, in a therapy session, I suggested that somebody try unconditional self love. This person asked, “How would I do that?” and I replied, “Redirect some of that unconditional love you have for your children toward yourself.” When they said, “I don’t know how to do that,” I responded, “It’s difficult to do something for the first time, but I strongly recommend that you start trying NOW.”

Why is it so hard for us to have unconditional self love? Earlier in the day, somebody else expressed the fear of feeling too good about themselves. I asked, “Why don’t we have a fear of feeling too bad about ourselves?”

Is there unconditional self love in any of my images for today?

Here’s what I find when I search for “unconditional self love” on YouTube.

Unconditional love for all that are here, now, including YOU!

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism, Psychotherapy | Tags: “Unconditional Self-Love: A New Family Paradigm”, Calendars, cats, December 18 2023, feelings chart, holiday gifts, Pema Chodron, salmon dish, Terri Britt, ugly clothes | 9 Comments

Day 3969: Considering the options

Posted on November 14, 2023 by Ann Koplow

When people in therapy ask my advice and I’m considering the options of how I might respond, I often invite them to consider their options, make a list of pros and cons, and use wise mind (a combination of logic and feeling) to make their decision.

When I was considering the options for today’s blog post title, I noticed the Daily Bitch Calendar.

Butter IS very delicious.

When I’ve been considering the options for commuting to work on Mondays, I choose the harbor ferry whenever I can, because the views and the fresh air are so delicious.

Considering the options, what’s your favorite image for today?

Considering the options, I’m going to choose Loosen Up Lighten Up Day as I provide individual and group therapy from home and also finish writing my newest original song.

Considering the options on YouTube for “considering the options,” here’s what I choose:

https://youtube.com/shorts/I18lMg8qBHc?si=H0pV3AMUyFVtDmAl

Considering my options for ending any blog post, I always choose gratitude for YOU.

Categories: personal growth, Psychotherapy | Tags: acts of kindness, cats, commuting by ferry, group therapy, hospital gift shop, November 14 2023, Rick Astley, The Daily Bitch Calendar, tin ceiling, Twitter, wise mind | 12 Comments

Day 3833: The power to change

Posted on July 1, 2023 by Ann Koplow

If I didn’t believe that people had the power to change, I wouldn’t be a psychotherapist. It’s also occurring to me, here and now, that “The Power to Change” might be a good title for the book my friend Megan and I are writing about our experiences as psychotherapists. Other possible book titles include …

“Psyched About Psychotherapy”
“All Healing is Mutual”
“You Have Options”
“It’s Not Your Grandfather’s Psychotherapy”

… all of which we have the power to change.

When I’m scared or overwhelmed, I can forget that I have the power to change things, including myself.

Do you see the power to change in my images for today?

On National Financial Freedom Day, too many Americans don’t have the power to change their financial situation to reach financial freedom, especially after the recent Supreme Court rulings.

I probably don’t have the power to change the person on Twitter who replied to my last question of the day with this: “One of the most sideways leftist tweets I’ve ever seen. Do you, Ann.”

However, I do have the power to change my reaction to that by replying, “Thanks. I will.”

Here’s what I find on YouTube when I search for “the power to change.”

I’m happy to hear from Nat Kendall-Taylor that framing has the power to change the bias against old people.

Thanks to all who have the power to change, including YOU.

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism, Psychotherapy | Tags: “How words change minds: The science of storytelling”, cats and dogs, July 1 2023, Nat Kendall-Taylor, National Financial Freedom Day, sushi, The Daily Bitch Calendar, the Kiki/Bouba effect, the Supreme Court of the United States, Twitter | 11 Comments

Day 3790: What therapists don’t say

Posted on May 18, 2023 by Ann Koplow

I just read a New York Times article titled “What Therapists Don’t Say.” There seems to be some fascination with that — the premise of the TV show Shrinking is that “a grieving therapist starts to break the rules by telling his clients exactly what he thinks.”

What I don’t say, in an individual therapy session, includes

You think that’s bad? Let me tell you about my problems!
I’m distracted.
I’m afraid you really don’t want to change.
You should do this.
I don’t think I can help you.
I wish I were doing something else.
That hurts my feelings.
I have to pee (this one was mentioned in the New York Times article).

I don’t say any of those things because (1) they are passing, momentary thoughts and (2) unhelpful. Also, when I have a thought that I don’t say, I take it as important information — often a window into what the other person is feeling.

Do you see anything that therapists don’t say in my images for today?

Sometimes I do say a World Holiday or what the Daily Bitch says in a therapy session, if it’s relevant.

Here’s what I find on YouTube when I search for “what therapists don’t say.”

Now I’m wondering what you would say in the comments section, below.

Here’s something I say every day:

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism, Psychotherapy | Tags: “3 Things Your Therapist Doesn’t Tell You”, Dr. Kristie Overstreet, gratitude, Kurt Vonnegut, May 18 2023, musicals, Shrinking, The Daily Bitch Calendar, the New York Times, Twitter | 10 Comments

Day 3760: What people don’t talk about

Posted on April 18, 2023 by Ann Koplow

Because I’m a psychotherapist, my work includes listening to what people don’t talk about to others in their lives.

What people don’t talk about often causes toxic cycles of judgment, shame, anxiety, depression, and stress.

What people don’t talk about depends on the person and might include

money,
sex,
bodily functions,
politics,
perceived weaknesses,
addictions,
mistakes,
family secrets,
messes,
failures,
accomplishments,
disowned feelings,
differences,
abuse,
racism,
prejudice,
ignorance,
illness,
religion,
losses, and
death.

Do you see what people don’t talk about in my images for today?

Here’s what I find when I search YouTube for “what people don’t talk about.”

What are your thoughts and feelings about what people don’t talk about?

Thanks to all who helped me create this what-people-don’t-talk-about blog, including YOU!

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism, Psychotherapy | Tags: April 18 2023, “We Don’t Talk About Bruno”, bats, cats, family secrets, letting go of shame, Stop & Shop, taboo topics, The Daily Bitch Calendar, Twitter | 16 Comments

Day 3723: Shame

Posted on March 12, 2023 by Ann Koplow

Shame is something I feel and think about a great deal and it’s interesting to me how people grapple to define it. For example, the first definition of “shame” I found online this morning …

… didn’t seem to align with the way I think about shame, which may or may not be preceded by “wrong or foolish behavior.” However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that “consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior” doesn’t necessarily mean that the person feeling shame actually did something “wrong” or “foolish” — they might just think or feel that they had. And, one might argue that any behavior could be seen as wrong or foolish, if one is feeling shame.

A definition I like about shame is “guilt is feeling you’ve done something wrong; shame is feeling there is something wrong with you.”

During my week in NYC at a group therapy conference, I wrote notes on my phone, and here are some notes I wrote about shame:

I have no shame about inviting people to let go of shame in my work as a psychotherapist, even if other people believe that shame can help us grow and develop.

Here is another definition of shame I found online …