Monthly Archives: January 2015

Day 741: Patterns

There are certain patterns I follow when I start writing a blog post every day, including searching through my old posts for my working title.

Just now, when I searched previous posts for “Patterns,” I found these:

Day 725: Fractal

Day 663: Hard Eights

Day 658: Missing and Coming Back

Day 652: Magical Thinking

Day 525: Judgment and love

Day 423: Teaching an old dog new tricks

Day 325:  The Anniversary Connection

Day 192: Random thoughts at 4:17 AM, July 11, 2013

Day 94: What sticks, what doesn’t, and putting things in perspective

About

If I had to write a ten-page paper today about the patterns I see in those posts above, I would probably include the following points:

  1. The percentage of posts I’ve written with the word “pattern” in them  increased precipitously between days 652 and 725.
  2. At some point between days 423 and 525, I started using more initial capital letters in my titles.
  3. Day 325 shows an exception to that Initial Capitalization Trend, but that very well might be The Exception That Proves the Rule.
  4. Another observable pattern in my posts, over time, is increasingly shortening titles.
  5. I continue to be amazed that I haven’t used important and obvious words (like “Patterns” or “Pattern”) in the titles of my 740 posts.

Thank goodness, I do NOT have to write a 10-page paper about this or anything else today. Why?  Because I’m not in school any more!

Here’s another personal pattern of mine: When I’m happy about something, I smile (which you can’t see right now) and I often say, “Yay!”

Yay! I just broke a pattern there. I’ve never tried to use an animated gif before on WordPress.

Another pattern of mine:

  1. I decide to try something new.
  2. I research it, somewhat quickly.
  3. I get impatient with the research.
  4. I give the new thing a try.
  5. It’s not perfect, but it’ll do.

Where was I?  Oh, yes! I was celebrating — with Kermit the Frog — how I’m not in school any more and I don’t have to write papers.

However, I do need to write a blog post today, about Patterns.

Here goes!

As human beings, we tend to see and follow patterns.

As a human being, I see and follow patterns, too. In my blog posts, these patterns include:

  •  lots of lists.
  •  numbered lists (only if I don’t plan to interrupt that list, since numbered lists here will start re-numbering from 1).
  • bulleted lists (like this list) when I plan to interrupt the list with something like, say,  a photo that reflects the title and subject of the post.

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  • Links to previous posts, especially the latest one.
  • Digressions.
  • A balance of old and new.
  • Images of animals, especially our two cats (that’s Oscar, above).
  • Photos I’ve taken recently (usually the day before).

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  • Images I find whimsical and interesting.
  • A stand-in for myself like Penny the Pen (a New Year pattern).
  • Images and words that form some sort of pattern.
  • Different sizes of pictures, to indicate importance or just because I like the way they look on the page.
  • An emphasis on people, especially ones who seem kind and helpful, like Gianni, who appeared previously in this here post.

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Aren’t there some interesting patterns in that picture?

Another pattern of my posts: music!

But what possible piece of music uses “Patterns”? All music uses patterns, I suppose. So I can choose anything I want!

Yay!

Another personal pattern: I have trouble making decisions, especially about routine matters and when I have a lot of choices.

I know! I’ll see what musical piece the music app on my phone chooses randomly now. (I’ve used that decision-making pattern before, here.) (Hmmm. Do two occurrences of anything create a pattern?)

(Donald Fagen performing “Weather in My Head” found here on YouTube.)

If you’ve observed any patterns remarkable or important to you in this post, please comment below (even if that’s not your usual pattern).

Thanks to Gianni (who works at a great store in Arlington, Massachusetts, USA whose name I can’t remember right now) (another pattern, for me); to Kermit, Oscar, Penny, Donald Fagen and all others who helped me create this patterned post;  and to everybody everywhere who sees or creates patterns (including you, of course!).

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

Day 740: Links, Labels, and other L-words

Lengths of lovely, leisurely, AND laborious times have elapsed, loyal followers, since I’ve let loose a Letter Post into the blogosphere.  To illustrate Letter Posts, let’s link to examples.

Day 365: S-words

Day 380: S-words (Secundo)

Day 414: P-words

Day 472: “M” words

Day 626: The C word

Day 627: Just Another Couple C words

Day 150: The A-word

Day 7: The P-word

Rules and Guidelines (link, please!) for letter posts*?

  1. Liberally use* letter all through* blog post.
  2. Do not permit this technique to interfere, too much, with communication and meaning.**

Let’s L, shall we?

Lively and lovable film-travel-and-lifestyle blogger Alex Raphael liked my latest post, as follows:

… you have such amazing links.

Lovely. Thanks,* Alex.

That latest post also included a link to labels about Aquarians like me (and labels for Leos, Libras, etc.*):

aloofness, selflessness, analytical, contrary, cranky, detached, distant, eccentric, fanatical, fearless, friendly, humanitarian, idealistic, independent, individualistic, intellectual, inventive, lofty, loyal, oblivious, odd, original, outrageous, progressive, quick, quirky, perverse, rebellious, sociable, stubborn, tactless, tireless, trustworthy, unconventional, unemotional, unpredictable and innovative.

Percentage of L-words there? Good luck!

Labels — like I endlessly like to recollect and recall —  may be a limiting liability (link, please!).  Labels can also be enjoyable, laughable, pleasant, convivial, and fun (link, please!).

Look at the clock!

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Don’t like to be late for lovely, skilled locks-smith Mia (link, please)!

Lest I be late, let’s quickly look at latest photos* (chronologically):

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Lovely Penny the Pen at cardiac rehabilitation, at a hospital.

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Let’s dance!

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Lovely Danise, looking melancholy.

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Look! Penny’s fallen!

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Danise: “Is she feeling blue?”

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Let’s allow all feelings!

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A helpful skill (link, please!)

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Look at all these lovely things in my office!

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Slinky, spiral, or coil (link, please!)

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Lapcat and Laptop.

Finally, a link to something on YouTube by somebody I love:

Lots and lots of lovely gratitude to Alex, Mia, Danise, my son Aaron, and all who helped with — and are looking at — this post (including YOU*).


* There’s no L-word for this. Believe me, I looked.

** Utterly lacking in L-words, like it or not.

Categories: blogging, love, personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: , , , | 45 Comments

Day 739: Rules and guidelines

Here’s a catch-phrase I used to hear when I was in my 20’s, working as a technical/marketing writer at an innovative start-up company in the Northeastern USA;

It’s more a guideline than a rule.

I like that expression, because:

  1. I’m a child of the 1960’s, and lots of people who grew up then do not love rules,*
  2. I’m an Aquarius and a Myers-Briggs ENFP — in both cases, people who don’t love rules,*
  3. I’m a psychotherapist who does groups that break some rules* of group psychotherapy (e.g., group members have the control to attend these groups when and how frequently they choose), and
  4. I have an overactive superego — also called the internal critic — which means I can judge myself and my behaviors by some rather harsh rules, unless I practice, practice, practice new habits and guidelines for how I think.*

I’m also thinking about another rule* I heard, last year:

Ann, you’re now on anticoagulants for your atrial fibrillation,  which means your blood won’t clot normally. No antidote exists for this medication, so PLEASE DON’T SLIP ON THE ICE.

This guideline/rule — which one of my cardiologists told me — tends to make me more anxious when:

  • It’s friggin’ cold outside, and there’s ice,
  • I’m driving a car, in any weather, and
  • I hit my &*%$@! head on a cabinet, like I did right before I started writing this post.

If this post makes less sense than usual, that MAY indicate that I’m developing a subdural hematoma. So if my regular readers notice anything different in my writing style, please contact my nearest health provider.

Where was I?

Oh, yes.  Guidelines rather than rules.

Yesterday, I encountered several rules and/or guidelines throughout my day.

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That’s something I wrote on my whiteboard in my office, yesterday afternoon . Why? Because yet another kind, empathic person who sees me for psychotherapy was being too critical of themselves. Therefore, the antidote we came up with together was “The Platinum Rule” rather than “The Golden Rule” (do unto others as you would have others do unto you.)

Here’s another photo I snapped in my office, later in the day:

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Note that the barista spelled my name wrong. I used to have a rule* about that: I believed somebody misspelling or forgetting a name was demonstrating that the other person wasn’t important enough.  I no longer think that’s a rule, at all.

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That’s a photograph I snapped after I got home, after a long day at work yesterday (which included my facilitating a therapy group starting at 5:30 PM). Even though it was verrrrrry cold outside, I wanted to take that photo of the moon. Because my communication style includes full disclosure*, I want to tell you that even though that moon LOOKS full, it really isn’t.

There are many other things I could write, this morning, about rules vs. guidelines,  but I need to leave soon for cardiac rehab, so I can get my very unusual heart into great shape. The morning session there starts at 7:30, but thanks to the wonderful Carla, Danise and Kathy (l. to r.):

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.. that’s more a guideline than a rule.

One of the rules* of my daily posts is that I try to include some music. Instead, today, I’m going to break some conventions and do something new!

I just searched YouTube for “rules and guidelines,” and here are two things I found:

(Photo Composition: Should You follow Rules and Guidelines? found here on YouTube.)

(Stoudman’s Western Movie Marathon: Rules and Guidelines found here on YouTUbe.)

Inspired by that last video, here are ….

Ann’s Rules and Guidelines for the Weekend, Starting Tomorrow:

  1. Must Watch Movies I Love.
  2. Must Spend Time with People I Love.
  3. Must Use The Platinum Rule.

Them’s the rules, pardner.

Thanks to all those who contributed to my writing this post this morning AND to anybody, anywhere who follows or thinks about rules and guidelines (including you, of course!)


* More guidelines than rules, I think.  What do you think?

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , | 43 Comments

Day 738: Plans for today

Here’s an exchange I just had with my boyfriend Michael:

Michael:  Are you up for the day, babe?

Me:  Yes. My plans are to go write and get my thoughts together, and not die.

Michael:  In that order?

Allow me to explain some things about that:

  • I went to bed early last night, because I was exhausted after a long day of (1) seeing a new cardiologist and his team at Boston Children’s Hospital, my childhood hospital home-away-from-home (2) facilitating part of a therapy group at work (my cardiology appointment went so long I was late getting there, which wasn’t a problem because I had warned the participants ahead of time), (3) lunch with my son (who had accompanied me to my cardiology appointment), and (4) hanging out with Michael at Panera Bread, PetSmart and Olympia Sports (so Michael could get some gloves)  .
  • The “not die” remark is NOT related to my cardiology appointment, but rather to this current temperature in Massachusetts, USA:

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This is what I notice about that screen:

I HATE it when somebody (or something) tells me what I’m supposed to feel like.

One of the many things I loved about my appointment with the Boston Adult Cardiology Heart team yesterday, including Disty

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and Dr. Michael Landzberg

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… is that nobody told me what I was supposed to feel like. Everybody there was so open, empathic, understanding, and  knowledgable, that — at the end of the appointment (right before I took the above photo) —  I said, to Dr. Landzberg

I am very moved by this experience.

And Dr. Landzberg seemed perfectly okay that I could not speak, for a moment.  My soon-to-be-17-year-old son Aaron, who was sitting to my left, seemed okay about that, too.

Why was I so moved by a cardiology appointment, with treaters I had never met before yesterday?

I shall now attempt to meet my initial plan for the day (if you don’t want to look back at the beginning of this post, it’s “write and get my thoughts together”):

  • The waiting rooms, at the Adult Cardiology Clinic at Boston Children’s Hospital,  were all very cheery.

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  • Everyone I met there, including the people taking my height and weight, treated me with care and respect.
  • One of the medical assistants — who looked young, healthy, and happy — told me she’d had a heart valve replacement, which is one of the surgeries I’ve been fearing.
  • Disty and Dr. Landzberg know my current cardiologists very well, and they had wonderful things to say about all of them.
  • Disty and Dr. Landzberg told me about an organization they thought would be very valuable: the Adult Congenital Heart Association.
  • Using insider information previously supplied by one of my cardiologists (Dr. Mark Estes), I referred to Bob Dylan twice during my conversations with Dr. Landzberg, which I THINK he appreciated.
  • Dr. Landzberg — as advertised by another patient who lives in Canada and whom I’d met on this special Facebook page for people dealing with very unusual hearts like mine — gave me some perfectly appropriate hugs.
  • Even though Aaron missed a day of school yesterday while accompanying his mother on this appointment, he learned a lot, including the comparative structures of not-so-normal and normal hearts (which they’re studying in his 11th-grade biology class, right now).

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Ooops! I know those two illustrations of a normal heart and a heart with congenitally corrected transposition of the great arteries — which Dr. Landzberg drew for me and Aaron yesterday on the examining table paper — are difficult to see.

Here’s the last thing Dr. Landzberg drew on that paper yesterday, which I really wanted to show you:

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You need

smart experienced

people thinking

about you

… which I don’t plan to disagree with.

My other plans for today include telling my readers other facts they might want to know about this appointment, including:

  1. Dr. Landzberg’s eagerness to work together with my other cardiologists to figure out the best courses of treatment for me, as I grow older and witness the ongoing, amazing blossoming of my son,
  2. His recommendation that I soon get a new test called a cardiac scan, to give everybody more information about my difficult-to-photograph heart,
  3. His saying “there’s no rush” regarding any invasive procedures, including surgery,
  4. His telling me that some of his patients — who had difficult experiences like I did as a child at Children’s Hospital — see him at a different hospital, as they choose,
  5. His enthusiastic endorsement and prioritizing of my getting my heart in the best shape possible, including spending more quality time with Danise, Carla, and Kathy at Cardiac Rehab,
  6. I heard amazing but true stories about my childhood cardiologist, Dr. Walter Gamble, and
  7. My working conclusion — after talking to the smart experienced people at the Boston Adult Cardiology Heart (BACH) program at Boston Children’s Hospital — is that I have, most likely, lots of time to make lots of plans.

I now plan to celebrate all that with a musical pun — that is, a different kind of BACH (with over 9 million views here on YouTube):

Other plans I have for this post?  Here are some more photos I took yesterday, after spending  8:20 – 10:35 AM (but who’s counting?)  at the Boston Adult Cardiology Heart clinic, at Boston Children’s Hospital:

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My final plan for this post is to ask this question: Is that equipment really necessary these days, for kids planning to throw snowballs?

Many thanks to all those who are on my smart and experienced team, including Michael, Aaron, Disty, Dr. Michael Landzberg, the other wonderful people at BACH, Bach, the LTGA (CCTGA) and Double Switch Facebook group, Dr. Mark Estes, Dr. Walter Gamble, Penny the Pen, and you (no matter what your plans are today).

Categories: inspiration, personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 43 Comments

Day 737: Home

Today, I’m returning to Boston Children’s Hospital,* where I spent many days and nights away from home, between the ages of 8 and 27.

People’s feelings and thoughts about home are shaped by many things. My experience of home was highlighted and shadowed by many experiences at a place that was NOT home for me — the hospital.

Here are my in-the-moment associations with “home”:

  • Home is where the heart is (something my late mother used to say).
  • I sometimes have a lot of feelings — including fear, sadness,  and anxiety — when I have to leave home. These feelings can be out-of-proportion to the current situation and — I believe — influenced by my experiences of home and the hospital, when I was a little kid.
  • Between the ages of 8 and 13, being away from home at the hospital was particularly difficult for me, because I had to undergo many scary procedures and surgeries, and — in the 1960’s — Children’s Hospital did not allow parents to stay with their children outside of regular visiting hours.
  • When I would arrive at the hospital, in the 1960’s, for yet another stay, I would immediately make myself feel more at home by spending hours on the pay phone, talking to my friends, feeding the phone with a pile of quarters (supplied by my parents).
  • Because of my many experiences at the hospital — dealing with a range of different nurses, doctors, and other big people — I am very skilled, to this day, at homing in on who is kind, empathic, and trustworthy and who is not.
  • Home = safety, wherever we can find it.

I love that I’m home, as I’m writing this blog post today.

Here are some photos of home:

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A penny for your thoughts about this post, so far?

Here’s one of my favorite “home” songs:

Pat Metheny‘s music (including “Letter from Home” found here on YouTube) has made hospitals feel more like home to me, many times.

When I was home with my family in the 1960’s, Burt Bacharach brought many songs into the home, including this one:

“A House is Not a Home” is making a home here, on YouTube.

What’s your favorite “Home” song?

While I may have some feelings of anxiety and sadness right now, as I prepare to leave home for Children’s Hospital,* it helps to tell myself this:

I am no longer a child. I am an adult now, with control, power, resources, supports, and skills I did not have back in the days when Children’s Hospital was my home-away-from-home.

In my usual free-associative way, I am now thinking about the word “homework” and how — as a psychotherapist — I like to give people homework.  Here are some of my associations with “homework” as I’m writing this at home:

  • When I give my patients/clients homework and they don’t do it, I tell them, “That wasn’t the right homework” and we try something else.
  • When I was in therapy decades ago, working on difficult memories from my hospitalizations, I came up with a particularly helpful homework assignment for myself: to draw a map of the 5th Floor of the Fegan Building of Boston Children’s Hospital, and to illustrate — with pictures and words —  vivid experiences that happened to me there, in many rooms and locations on that floor.  One thing I drew on that map of the Cardiology Unit at Children’s Hospital from the 1960’s: the nurses’ station, where I spent a lot of time, talking to as many kind adults as I could find there. Another thing I remember drawing on that map, which helped so much in my personal healing: the pay phone with a pile of quarters, located in the hallway off the elevator between the regular hospital rooms and the Intensive Care Unit, where children, including me, recovered from surgery.

In my free-associating style, writing that previous paragraph inspires me to share this movie clip with you, now:

(“E.T. phone home” clip is here, on YouTube.)

I may have felt like an alien, at times in my life, but it always helps me to phone home. Every morning, that’s what I do, here on WordPress.

Thanks to all who do their best to make homes in the world, including you, of course.


* This morning, I’m going back to Children’s Hospital for an outpatient appointment with a new cardiologist. I should be home, soon.

Categories: inspiration, personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 48 Comments

Day 736: Endless

Yesterday in my office, somebody in a therapy session described how responsibilities and pressures — at work and at home — seemed endless to them.  I asked, “Do you ever get a break from all this?”  In response, I thought I saw an endless-yard stare — doubt and worry without end.

I knew my day, yesterday, would end. Days always do. At times, though, obligations,*  concerns,* needs,* unexpected situations,* and unfinished business* can seem endless. Why? Because there’s always more to do and there are always tasks not being done.

That’s why I invite myself and others to focus on what we are doing (instead of those endless things we aren’t).

Another person I saw in therapy — who has been working on improving  self-confidence and the ability to experience and express joy — realized something important. This person recognized that despite the mind’s ability to endlessly worry, worry, worry, worry, worry, worry, worry,  this was an important, personal truth:

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Considering that bad things have happened to this person in the past, I felt endlessly grateful to witness that non-endless,  5-worded sentence. I’m hoping the positive results of healing realizations (like that one and others) can seem as endless to people as

  • hopelessness*
  • despair*
  • powerlessness*
  • guilt*
  • shame*
  • paralyzing self-doubt*

and other non-helpful thoughts and feelings I observe, which can make anybody’s life seem truly endless.

Last night, after a wait that seemed long — if not endless — to me, I finally spoke with one of a seemingly endless crowd of cardiologists, regarding a stress test I took a non-endless number of days ago.

Here were my endless hopes for what the cardiologist might say to me:

Ann, we looked at the results of this stress test measuring the interactions of you, your unusual heart, exercise, and oxygen and …. congratulations! You and your heart are endlessly strong! Well, actually, nobody’s heart is endlessly strong. But your heart, Ann Koplow, is as strong as anybody else’s! You are a WINNER!

However, despite my endless capacity to hope for the best (and, simultaneously, expect the worst), the cardiologist — rather than sounding like an endless series of endlessly enthusiastic game show hosts* I’ve seen in my many years watching TV* — sounded more like a cautious, consulting cardiologist. That is, he said the tests were inconclusive. Then, he gave me his prediction of what I needed, which was major heart surgery, sooner or later.

I just met this cardiologist, so I don’t know if his expertise or his knowledge of me is as endless as I might want it to be.  And, I am meeting, tomorrow, with another new — to me — cardiologist for whom people seem to have endless respect, affection, and faith.

However, before my post today seems endless, I want to tell you that the cardiologist yesterday, in our conversation, used this word

weakened

about my heart.

Words, to me, can be endlessly powerful. I reacted to that word with what felt like  an endless amount of fear.* Worry, frustration, resentment, and defiance were all in there, too. I don’t like people using words like that about my trusty heart, which has kept me going for so many days, months, years, and amazing experiences.

So I responded, to the cardiologist last night, with questions. Questions are my endlessly useful weapon/protection/instrument/magic.  If you ask anybody who knows me well, how many questions I ask, they might answer

Endless!

The questions I asked the cardiologist, after he used the word “weakened” for my endlessly unusual heart, included:

  • Do we know for sure that my heart is weakened?
  • If we were able to compare my heart now to what it was a year or two ago, would it seem weakened?
  • If my heart is weakening, is that happening gradually or quickly?

The cardiologist responded,  to every question I asked, with

That’s a good question

which is something I’ve heard, endlessly, for a very long time. And, despite his kind competency, the cardiologist could not end my endless-seeming uncertainty* and confusion* in our conversation, last night.

Here’s a question I did NOT ask that cardiologist:

If my heart is weakened, WHY DO I FEEL SO FRIGGIN’ STRONG?

As I write this post, I am in the middle of compiling a list* of questions to ask Dr. Michael Landzberg, Congenital Cardiology Expert Extraordinaire, when I see him tomorrow morning, at Boston Children’s Hospital.

I resolve,  as my readers are my witnesses, to add that last question to my list, now.

And because of the strength of

  • that question,
  • my feelings,
  • my hopes for the future, and
  • the tiger

I am deciding to keep my profile picture

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as it is — if not endlessly — at least, for now.

Because I endlessly hope to avoid hurting and disappointing others — including inanimate objects like PENs, for heaven’s sake — I shall now present a visual series-with-end, taken yesterday by your endlessly humble photographer:

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Appearing, above, are Carla, Danise, and Kathy at Cardiac Rehab AND Penny the Pen (who has been appearing in a non-endless number of New Year posts here, here, here, here, and here).

In that last photo, as you can see, Penny is taking a break on one of the workout machines at cardiac rehab. I — even when my workout on that particular machine seemed endless — did not.

Last night, when I started writing this post (which is coming to an end), I thought of this song:

You can find “The Song That Doesn’t End” by Shari Lewis, Lamb Chop, etc. here on YouTube.

Today, as I was ending this post, I thought of this song, too:

“Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst,” from Mel Brooks‘s The Twelve Chairs can be found here on YouTube, at least for now.

Also, I found this long but not endless tribute to Mel Brooks and songs he’s written for his movies and stage musicals:

Endless thanks to all who contributed to and who are reading this post — which includes you, of course!

The End(?)


* Which can all seem endless, but actually are not.

Categories: inspiration, personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: , , , , , | 32 Comments

Day 735: Monday matters

Today, on this first Monday of 2015, I am:

All of these actions matter to me, this Monday morning.

This morning, before I leave for the day, I am telling myself:

I matter, as much as anybody else in this world.

That mantra matters to me. It also matters to me to invite you to imagine what phrase might help you, today.

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.

.

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If you thought of a helpful phrase that matters to you, I invite you to say it to yourself (and to share it here, if you choose).

I’m reminded of a mindfulness exercise I use, in my groups, whenever somebody new is present (which matters a great deal). In this exercise:

  • when we breathe in, we think of something we want to take in from the universe and
  • when we breathe out, we think of something we want to let go of.

Today, I choose to breathe in hope and breathe out fear (which matters and helps).

Yesterday, it mattered to bring along Penny the Pen with me and boyfriend Michael (who matters a lot), as we went walking and then food-shopping at our local supermarket.  Would it matter to you if I showed you some photos?

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This song mattered to me, when I was growing up in the Northeastern USA:

(If it matters to you, you can find “Monday Monday” by The Mamas & The Papas here.)

Many thanks to Michael, to Vahan (previously appearing in this post, which  mattered to me when I wrote it), to Mamas & Papas, to children & adults everywhere, to colorful flowers and other blossoming things, and to you, who matters on Monday and every other day of the week.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 42 Comments

Day 734: Actually

“Actually” is actually a word I use a lot, in writing and in speech. I’m actually not sure why I do.

My soon-to-be-17-year-old son, Aaron, actually asked me this question last week:

Do you say “actually” a lot?

and I replied:

Yes, I do.

I actually can’t believe that I didn’t take that opportunity to use “actually” in my response there.  Maybe I actually did say “actually”  and my memory isn’t actually  as good as I think it is.

Actually, I believe that Aaron and I have discussed “actually” before.

I am actually shocked that I have not used the word “actually” in any post title before today. However, I HAVE actually used the word “actually” in approximately 7 out of the last 22 daily posts I’ve written here, which is actually a lower percentage than I would have expected.

Yes, I actually took the time to check that out.

I actually didn’t think I’d be writing this actual introduction today. I actually did know that my title would include the word “actually” today, but I thought it might be

Love Actually

or

Actually Love

because I actually spent some time yesterday resting on the sofa, eating sunflower seeds, drinking tea, and watching some of the movie  Love Actually on television. I’ve actually seen parts of that movie before and I actually vividly remember Emma Thompson‘s performance, but yesterday the movie actually had about 7 minutes of commercials for every 10 minutes of movie, but I’m actually guessing there.

I’m actually trying to relax this weekend before my actually highly anticipated meeting with a new cardiologist on Wednesday, who is actually the top expert on people who actually have my congenital cardiac

abnormality

condition

problem

defect

disease

issue

which are all words I do NOT love, actually.  Actually, I am going to take the time in this post, right now, to actually come up with a word I actually prefer.

(Here’s some actual background, for new readers: I was born with Congenitally Corrected Transposition of the Great Arteries, wherein actual parts of my actual heart are doing things they weren’t actually designed to do.  I’m actually linking, within this actual paragraph, to actual on-line articles AND previous posts actually written by me, if you want to read more about CCTGA. CCTGA is actually, these days, also called Levo Transposition of the Great Arteries (L-TGA), but I actually don’t remember what or who Levo is and, in the moment, I actually don’t care.)

I actually do care about finding a word I actually prefer to those “negative” words I listed above, so how about I say that I have a congenital (which actually means “born with”) …

SPECIAL-NESS!

although I don’t actually love that word either. How about

I have a congenital cardiac SPECIALTY!

What do you actually think about all that?  Perhaps you might actually come up with a better word. (If you do, could you actually share that, here?)

Actually, I wanted to tell you more, in this post, about my yesterday.

Before I relaxed on the sofa — watching Love Actually (with the two TV snacks I actually want to restrict myself to, if I can actually manage that) — I actually had breakfast with my long-time friend Eleanor. Eleanor has actually appeared verbally, but not visually, in two previous posts, which are actually called

Day 128: I get by with a little help from my friends 

Day 154:  Worry, losing, and finding things.

both of which could have actually served as the title of today’s post (except for the actual day).

Here are some photos I actually took — with my old, cracked cell phone — during yesterday’s breakfast with Eleanor at my long-time actual, favorite diner (which has actually appeared in so many previous posts, that I’m actually not going to take the time to search for those right now, but you could actually find them, if you want, by searching for “Deluxe Town Diner” here).

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The cast of characters appearing in the above photos include Penny (in the first four shots) and Cindy, Gina, and Kelly (hidden, except for her four fingers). Gina (actually on the right, above ) has actually not seen Aaron for a long time, and when I showed her a recent photo of what he actually looks like these days, she actually yelped with delight. Gina actually said a lot of flattering things about Aaron yesterday, but I won’t include them here, because they might embarrass him, if he actually ever read these posts.

Do I actually sound annoyed there?  I’m not. I’m actually hungry, especially looking at those photos of yesterday’s breakfast.

I actually just ate some of this, with almond milk:

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which is actually pretty good.

Now that I actually can think clearly again, I wanted to tell you some actual facts about my time with Eleanor, yesterday:

  1. We actually talked about a lot of things, including our jobs and our children,
  2. We reminisced about some people we both met at my first actually full-time job, in the 1970’s, when I got hired as a technical writer right out of college, with no actual experience,
  3. Eleanor said it was actually lucky that WordPress didn’t send her my New Year’s Day post, because she emailed me about that, which then resulted in our actually getting together yesterday,
  4. She said she found it remarkable that I’ve been posting every day since January 2013,
  5. I told Eleanor it meant a lot to me that she found this recent post very moving, and
  6. When we said goodbye, I actually told her I loved her.

See! So the name of this post actually could have been “Love Actually.”

Here are some more photos I actually took last night, when I was actually at Panera Bread and PetSmart with my actual boyfriend, Michael, when it was actually snowing, here in the Northeastern United States:

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Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually driving Michael — and other creatures around me  —  crazy.

Actually, I’m not actually sure what actual music would actually fit this actual post today.

This actually appeared in my mind, just now:

If you actually want, you can find “You Send Me” by Sam Cooke  here, on YouTube. I actually don’t know why Sam Cooke’s songs have been appearing so much in my mind  and in recent posts (actually, here and here).

If you were actually going to respond to this actual post, what might you actually say?

Actual thanks to all actual people, creatures, and pens appearing in this post today (actually pictured or not) and — actually — to you, for your actual visit (which I actually appreciate, a lot).


I’m actually amazed that I wrote this whole post without any actual footnotes.

After I actually published this post, I actually realized that some of the photos wouldn’t actually load. I’ll see if I can actually figure this out, today.

Categories: friendship, inspiration, personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , | 43 Comments

Day 733: Pennies

“Pennies” might seem like a natural follow-up to “Small change,” my topic from two days ago.

And it is, because “Penny” is the name I’ve given to this character:

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That Penny:

  • is a pen given to me, upon my request, by the server at The Summer Shack, the Cambridge, Massachusetts restaurant my son Aaron, my bf Michael, and I chose for our New Year’s Eve celebration.
  • is in contention to be my new profile picture here at WordPress,
  • seems valuable to me, already, even though I didn’t pay a penny for her, and
  • has been accompanying me everywhere I go, since New Year’s Eve.

Yesterday, Penny came along with me and Michael as we went to the Burlington Mall, to try to solve this problem:

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Even though my cellphone looks cracked and broken there, it still did a great job taking photos last night.  As usual, surface looks can be deceiving, don’t you think?

Here’s Penny at various locations in the mall, captured by my cracked cell phone:

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In that last shot, Penny, Michael, and I are at the iFixandRepair kiosk, which seemed like the right place to be. However, I was confused by who the “i” was in the name AND nobody was there to help us.  Do we look disappointed?

Our next stop was Bobby’s  Burger Palace. “Bobby” is celebrity chef Bobby Flay (not pictured), whom Michael and I have seen, many times, on the Food Network. I don’t know if Penny knows about Bobby Flay, but she seemed to enjoy herself there:

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Penny seems to be saying that — even though that turkey burger looks good and is healthier than regular burgers —  I might want to think about eating more salads, in the New Year. Penny looks like a vegetarian to me and — who knows? — maybe I’ll start being more like her, again.

After dinner, Michael went to get coffee and Penny and I headed off to the Verizon Store. Here’s what we saw on our way:

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Soon, we were waiting to speak to somebody at the Verizon Store, which is where I bought my cracked phone, a couple of years ago.  We took our time looking around:

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We became very interested in a Droid phone, which is smaller than the iPhone.

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Then, Brady, a Verizon salesperson/representative showed up, telling us:

  • it made more sense for me to stick with the iPhone (rather than switch to the Droid),
  • it would cost fewer pennies to get a new phone than to fix the screen on my old one (because I was due for an upgraded phone), and
  •  I could save  pennies if I made other changes Brady suggested, including how I’m paying my monthly Verizon bills.

Sometimes, when  people make “sales pitches,” I get a little suspicious and anxious about whether I’m going to make the “right” decision. But Brady answered all our questions, was patient,  and made a lot of sense.

Here’s Brady, taking care of ways to save us the most pennies, as we’re getting my new phone:

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Thanks, Brady!

Here’s a news flash from me and and Penny: for no additional pennies, I can now take and upload pictures on my blog using both of my phones.  As a result, I can show you this side-by-side comparison of the two phones’ home screens, which I took last night (without any help from Penny):

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Here’s what I notice there: The new phone has a  little more heart.

Time for a video!  How about a trailer (found here on YouTube) from Pennies from Heaven,  a movie I studied quite closely at  Film School in the 1980’s?

And here‘s an uninterrupted version of the song “Pennies from Heaven”:

Thanks to Michael, Brady, Bobby Flay, the Summer Shack, the Burlington Mall, iPhones (and other things that begin with the letter “i”), Steve Martin, Herbert Ross, Dennis Potter, Frank Sinatra, Count Basie, all those who deal with pennies, everybody else who helped me write this post,  and — of course! — to you for accompanying Penny and me here, today.

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: , , , , , , , | 40 Comments

Day 732: Bragging Rights

I don’t know if this is bragging, but in the full two years of my daily posts here, I’ve written only one post with the word “bragging” in the title, and that was 517 days ago.*

As I mention in that past post — “Bragging, Fear of Envy, and Healing” — bragging does not come easy to me. I actually have some fears about it.

I just skimmed that past post. I think it’s good.

Is that bragging?

I didn’t read it carefully because I assumed it was good enough, because I wrote it (as I write all my posts) with heart-felt authenticity.

Is that bragging?

Here’s what my long-time friend Gene wrote in the comments section of that long-ago post:

This may be my favorite of all your posts, especially the first half which was so movingly personal and at the same time pointing to universal concerns.

Is that bragging?

I’m thinking about the title I chose today — “Bragging Rights” — and how human beings can express concerns and needs to have a “right” to certain actions and feelings.

As a psychotherapist, I constantly witness people saying things like:

  • I (or they) did not have a right to be angry.
  • I don’t have a right to feel good about this.
  • I got upset, and it wasn’t justified.
  • I had no right to be crying like that.
  • I’d like to challenge that person, but I don’t know if I have a right to do that.

As I tell people over and over again (and I have a right to do that), there is no “right” or “wrong” about feelings. Feelings just are.  We have them, as human beings.  If we don’t interfere with those feelings — by judging them — they will flow through our lives, naturally — like the weather.

I stole that emotion-weather metaphor from my friend Carol and her friend Eric.

Is that bragging? Do I have a right to do that?

Here are some specific things I’d like to brag about today:

  • I’m taking a day off from work, BECAUSE I DESERVE IT!!
  • Three days ago, one of the primary care doctors I work with came to get me in my office, in response to my telling him (and everybody else on my teams) that I was committed to and passionate about being available to his patients and to him if anybody ever seemed upset, overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious during a doctor’s visit.  The doctor told me he was seeing a patient who could not stop crying. Without taking much time to hear or find out more about this patient, I went into the examining room with him, met her, heard her story, listened actively, expressed my authentic reactions, and told her about possible supports where I work and elsewhere, including the groups I offer there.  My time with this patient was, approximately,  fifteen minutes,* including walking her over to another part of the enormous hospital where I work, where an expert on violence prevention and recovery was eager to speak to her, also.
  • Two days ago, I ran into the doctor who came to get me. He told me the patient had called him, expressing gratitude, and had said, “I felt a spiritual shift, when I realized that you people cared about me.”
  • I recently received this email, from the Northeast Society for Group Psychotherapy:

Dear Ann Koplow:

We are very pleased to accept your workshop proposal entitled, “ Come One, Come All, Whenever! A new model for open access groups.” for the June 2014 NSGP Conference. This year’s conference is entitled Getting Real: Vulnerability and Effective Group Leadership and will be held June 5, 6, and 7, 2015 at Simmons College.

  • I’m especially bragging about that last bullet point since (1) two years ago I tried to give a workshop there and it was cancelled due to low registration** and  (2) there are very few workshop slots available this year, because of changes to that organization’s yearly conference schedule.
  • I was recently elected to the board of the organization giving the conference. Does that give me more or fewer bragging rights?

Is it bragging if I tell you that I think the photos I take with my iPhone are worth posting here?

Is it bragging if I tell you that I didn’t take many photos yesterday and I’ve decided to repeat some photos from yesterday’s post, which was about the possible small change of my changing my profile picture here at WordPress?

So far, here is the photo with the most votes from my readers:

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Eeeek!  While I appreciate the votes for that picture of me, I’m probably NOT going to use that for my new profile picture, since I personally feel nervous and a little scared when I see people wearing medical masks.

Here are some images that I am seriously considering for my profile picture:

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Is it bragging to tell you this?  I am currently leaning towards one of those, because when I showed the candidates to my boyfriend Michael yesterday, he said

Wow.  If somebody showed me that and asked “Who does that look like?” I’d say … “Ann!”

Would anybody like to guess which one that might be?  And, please, do not be afraid to brag about your preference for a better choice (or anything else, more important and personal to you).

I’m not sure what music to include here, that fits today’s topic of Bragging.

I know! Here’s me, singing and playing Steely Dan’s “Pretzel Logic,” previously  appearing in a post I wrote 117 days ago.*

That video is found here on YouTube and it has 66 views and no (critical) comments!

Is that bragging?

Many thanks, from the bottom of my bragging and very special heart,** to all my very special readers, ** including YOU, of course.


* In previous posts, I’ve  written “But who’s counting?” after I refer to something with numbers from the past. Today, I’m going to brag about who’s counting. It’s me!

** And I’m not bragging!

Categories: blogging, inspiration, personal growth | Tags: , , , , , | 51 Comments

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