Posts Tagged With: blogging

Day 153: Do I Dare to Tweet a Tweet?

Posted on June 2, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Yes.

A few days ago, I wrote a post called “To Tweet or Not to Tweet (is that the question?),” where the “real” topics included aging, resistance to change, fear of the new, embracing life, dealing with illness, and the d-word (death).

However, Twitter was definitely in there. And several of the much-appreciated comments I got on that post (including a few from fellow blogger Charmin) have kept Twitter On My Mind.

And then, in another peep of synchronicity, Twitter sent me a friendly, freakishly timed e-mail saying, “Hello, Ann! We haven’t seen you in a while!”

Because I did sign up for Twitter a while ago. (My memory is that my son was interested at that time, and we had some kind of mass, household sign-up).

And I have Tweeted twice before, I realized this morning.

The first tweet, quite a while ago, was something related to “Top Chef.” (I confess: I love me some reality shows where the contestants — or in this case, “cheftestants” — are good at and passionate about what they do.) (Note to self: possible future blog post topics: (1) Reality Shows, (2) Passion and Skill, (3) Made-Up Words and What They Do To Our Souls.)

The second tweet was A Celebrity Tweet. I had tweeted my guitar hero, Pat Metheny, thanking him for the music he’s given us. (I expressed that intense gratitude to him in person, too, many years ago, at this building:

which used to be a Tower Records.) ( I re-encountered that building, in April, when I felt ready to walk down Boylston Street, after the Boston Marathon bombings.)

Today, I did a Tweet With A New Attitude. The new attitude was less tentative, less Twitter Toe In The Water. (That idiom — putting your toe in the water to indicate trying something carefully, reminds me of a FABULOUS blog I encountered here recently: Toemail, where people send in wonderful pictures that include a toe somewhere in the scene.)

This time, I jumped in with both feet. I sent a Tweet, Intentionally, to reach people. (The content of the tweet doesn’t matter. Suffice to say: it was goofy. I love me some goofy.)

Whenever I do that: try to reach people — whether it’s through blogging, speaking, tweeting, writing, mailing, calling, at my work, or in my dreams — it can be hopeful, exciting, rewarding, frustrating, and scary, too.

What are my fears about doing this?

I don’t have messages that are important enough, that justify asking for people’s attention . I don’t want to “bother” them, in the midst of all the other things they need to pay attention to.

And, I can experience shame, too, when I act like I AM important enough (to send messages, bother people, etc.).

(And here’s another one, that my friend Joe just reminded me about, in his explanation of not accepting my invitation to join Twitter. If I send a message, will kind and thoughtful people be concerned about my reaction, if they decide to set a limit and not to engage in this way?)

But these are all things I’m working on this year, dear readers.

And I guess I’m making progress, because I’m Bothering People here in the Blog-o-Sphere, every single day! (And who knows how often I’ll be bothering people through Twitter?)

Thanks for reading, for not being bothered, and for spending your valuable, important time with me.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: adventure, blogging, Boston, Boylston Street, change, Cheftestant, communication, community, connection, goofiness, groups, Made-up Words, Pat Metheny, self expression, self improvement, shame, Synchronicity, Toemail, Top Chef, Tower Records, Tweets, Twitter, writing | 12 Comments

Day 150: The A-word

Posted on May 30, 2013 by Ann Koplow

This post is dedicated to my friends Rob and Gene.

The very first week of this blog, I wrote about a word that I hesitated naming. That was the P-word, which was Procrastination. I hesitated to speak its name, because that can be a loaded, self-critical and unhelpful word for a human process I see everywhere — in myself and in others, too.

Yesterday, I wrote about another word, that I felt the urge to not-name, also. That was the D-word. And THAT was a word that a lot of people try to avoid.

Death. (Eeeek!)

Phew. So much for the D-word, in THIS post. (I’m definitely on board with Death Avoidance today, people.) (Although, earlier today I was worrying about some deadlines. And take a look at THAT word. Dead-lines! Geesh! Is that word supposed to motivate us or paralyze us with fear?!)

Anyway, moving on, to today’s Word-That-Might-Not-Be-Named.

I would like to present, ladies and gentlemen, the A-word.

Anger.

Not quite as scary as death. But still difficult for me (and a lot of other people, I believe) to talk about. And to deal with.

This is what I’m noticing about anger, these days:

Most people (including me) don’t have good role models for How To Experience and Express Anger Effectively.
Anger is an emotion that a lot of people disown and dislike in themselves and in others.
Anger is just another human emotion, like sadness, joy, and fear. Everybody reading this blog has all those emotions. (If Mr. Spock is reading this blog, he knows that he has them, too.)
Anger is the human reaction to injustice and to fundamental needs not being met.
Anger has a lot of energy, to help us change that which is unjust and not serving us well.
Anger, the way it is expressed out in the world, is tied up with hatred and violence (which can be very confusing and frightening).

I’m not sure what the “solution” is …. to the “problem” of anger in the world (and in ourselves).

My belief is that the first step is accepting anger as human — as something useful and maybe even beautiful. Then, maybe we can do better at figuring out more effective ways to express and use that Energy of Anger.

I think this is a tough topic, people. I’m not surprised that I procrastinated writing about this, until Day 150. (Even death was easier to broach, apparently!)

As always, I am curious and eager to hear your thoughts about this. And thanks so much, for reading today!

Categories: personal growth | Tags: anger, blogging, change, communication, community, connection, death, emotions, feelings, getting needs met, hatred, Mr. Spock, procrastination, violence | 8 Comments

Day 148: Dreams I Have Known

Posted on May 28, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I had a dream last night where I didn’t like what was happening and I wanted to wake myself up.

My father used to have these kinds of dreams. I remember hearing him make these odd, high-pitched noises in his sleep, and my mother helping him to wake up.

This dream occurred for me, last night, soon after I fell asleep. (The typical time for these dreams, for my father and for me.)

The dream wasn’t particularly scary. It just involved my son coming upstairs. But I had a “bad feeling” in the dream. And I knew it was a dream. And I wanted to stop the dream, and wake up.

As always, I struggled to transition out of sleeping into waking. I tried to assist that process by vocalizing — making noises. As I did, I could hear the echo of my father’s sounds.

Then, I went downstairs, to check on my son. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. He was.

When I awoke this morning and was trying to decide what to blog about today, I was thinking about that experience, and remembering that I’ve made a Note to Self about a future blog topic …..

Recurring Dreams.

I think it’s interesting what dreams recur for people. And I’ll tell you about a recurring dream that I used to have, a lot.

The dream varied, each time, but always involved these components: (1) at some point, I would need to reach somebody by calling them on the telephone and (2) I would have lots of trouble doing that. Something would always get in the way of my using the phone to reach them. Often, I wouldn’t be able to see the parts of the phone I needed to, in order to make the call.

Each time I had this dream (which was often in the midst of some kind of adventure-type plot), the results were always the same. I would never get through, with whatever message I had to deliver.

Arrghh!

I don’t have that dream any more. I haven’t for many years. But I remember what those dreams felt like, vividly.

Frustrating. Scary. Draining. Panicky. Discouraging.

Here’s how I’m “interpreting” that old dream, right now:

Communication is very important to me. If I don’t connect with people, I feel bad. The consequences of NOT connecting can be dire. Isolation is scary. Seeing clearly is important, in order to connect. And having an urgent message, undelivered, is terrible.

I actually like my old, recurring dream. I like what it says about my priorities.

And I especially like that I’m not having that dream, any more.

I’m wondering: What kinds of recurring dreams have you had? What do you think they might mean?

Thanks to all.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: anxiety, blogging, communication, connection, dreams, Father, fear, Recurring dreams, self improvement, sleep | 13 Comments

Day 146: To boldly go where no Ann has gone before

Posted on May 26, 2013 by Ann Koplow

My son, my bf, and I saw the new movie “Star Trek Into Darkness” last night. (I originally thought there MUST be a punctuation mark in that title — perhaps a “:” or a “,” or even a “.” But no. Nada.)

My son had one major question after the movie: “Why was it called ‘Into Darkness?'”

I said, “Maybe because of the way the movie was lit?” Now that might sound like I was being all snark-y and Film School-y (and I did go to Film School, when I was in my 30’s), but I thought the movie was fine.

Regular readers of my blog may know that I love Star Trek, The Original Series (or TOS, an acronym which is NOT immediately obvious to me, whenever it pops up). Even if readers don’t know of my feelings about TOS (The Original Series, for those of you who couldn’t hold on to that non-intuitive acronym even for a moment, like me), they may remember that I have written several posts referencing that TV show (here, here, and here).

I’ve used Star Trek (I’m dumping the whole TOS acronym for the rest of this post, people) in this blog, mostly to illustrate an experience I’ve been having, during this Year of Living Non-Judgmentally:

Accelerated Learning,

as illustrated by this Star Trek “villain” (played by Gary Lockwood):

who became too smart and powerful, too fast, (with too shiny eyeballs), for his own good.

I just re-read that first post about Accelerated Learning, and you know what? There’s a lot of Good Stuff in that post, to the extent that I thought, “I wonder if I have anything else to teach them?” (or more to the point, anything else to blog about, for the rest of the year.)

(I’m actually not worried about that, in the moment, although I AM feeling a wee bit … conceited, right now, having essentially “bragged” about how helpful I think that post might be, as well as having put myself in the role of “teacher.”) (Okay, I’m letting go of any guilt about THAT, right now.)

Better.

Another thing I’ve been experiencing, this year, is a LOT of Synchronicity.

Here’s a definition of synchronicity:

syn·chro·nic·i·ty (sngkr-ns-t, sn-)
n. pl. syn·chro·nic·i·ties
1. the quality or fact of being synchronous.
2. the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality —used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung.

Note the reference to Carl Jung, who is one of my Therapy Heroes. (Another Therapy Hero was the gentle and wonderful Michael White, from Narrative Therapy.)

(Note also that the first definition, above, is essentially useless, as it refers to another form of the same word.)

Something else to note: another word for the concept of synchronicity is “coincidence.”

Here’s something I’ve noticed. I get really excited about coincidences, and not everybody does.

Sometimes I think: there are two kinds of people in this world. People who get excited about coincidences and people who don’t.

Sometime I think: there are two kinds of people in this world. People who think there are two kinds of people in this world and people who don’t.

So where was I, before all those digressions in parentheses AND italics?

Oh, yes. Star Trek. And Synchronicity.

So, right around the time that I was blogging so much about the shiny-eyeballed, scarily-smart Gary Lockwood character from Star Trek, rumors were swirling around the internet about the new Star Trek Movie, to be released in May.

And one of the rumors I read was this:

The villain in the new Star Trek Movie will be some version of the Gary Lockwood character in The Original Series.

I thought, “Wow! How cool is that? I’ll have to tell my dear readers about THAT little piece of synchronicity!” Then, that turned out to be an old, outdated rumor. Oh, well.

But, here was a “true rumor”: the villain was going to be played by THIS guy:

Benedict Cumberbatch. Who is known, these days, for playing somebody else: another hero, who is important to me.

Sherlock Holmes.

I remember, when I was about 13 years old, spending one whole summer reading this book:

I spent an entire summer reading this book, not because I was a slow reader (I wasn’t), but because there was SO MUCH information in this book. Yes, people, there’s a reason why the word “ANNOTATED” is the biggest word in that title. OMG.

But I loved reading every word, every minute detail, as I made my way through these wonderful stories, starring the World’s Greatest Detective.

Why is Sherlock Holmes one of my heroes?

He is really smart.
He pays attention, all the time.
He doesn’t care what other people think about him.
He takes in all the details of all his senses, to solve problems.

It’s occurring to me, for the first time, that Sherlock Holmes is somebody who is REALLY mindful, in each moment.

Now I understand, in a new way, why he’s one of my heroes.

Thanks for reading, everybody! (And I’m wondering about YOUR thoughts — regarding heroes, villains, synchronicity, Star Trek, punctuation, or anything else you got out of this post.)

Categories: personal growth | Tags: Benedict Cumberbatch, blogging, Carl Jung, childhood books, Definitions, Film school, Gary Lockwood, Heroes, in the moment, Michael White, Mindful, mindfulness, Narrative Therapy, reading, self improvement, self-judgment, self-worth, Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, Star Trek (The Original Series), Star Trek Into Darkness, stories, Synchronicity, The Annotated Sherlock Holmes, TOS, Villains | 9 Comments

Day 142: The Heart is a Lonely Blogger (at 2 AM)

Posted on May 22, 2013 by Ann Koplow

My writing a blog post in the middle of the night is not exactly novel (see here for my most recent early-morning musings).

Tonight, however, there are some new circumstances contributing to my being awake at 2 AM, including the very loud construction going on nightly in my town. Indeed, I just now recorded, on my iPhone, shocking evidence of the volume of these nocturnal improvements, but I can’t figure out how to drop that file into this post.

To help you join with me in this experience, here’s a canned version of construction noises, which I’ve used in a previous post:

That’s uncannily close to what I’m hearing, outside my window, right now.

As is my wont with these mid-night posts, I like to keep them short, because I have faith, or hope, that I might fall back asleep this night.

And actually, that reminds me of a subtitle I was considering for this post: “Faith and Doubt”.

Because — in these wee hours of the morning, as I was having trouble sleeping — that’s where my thoughts have been going. To faith and doubts about these blog posts: specifically, about how many people are reading.

I know I have written about these kinds of thoughts — How Many People Are Reading? — before (see here).

And while part of me believes that Readership Really Shouldn’t Matter …. nevertheless, these are the thoughts, that are occurring to me, on this topic, at 2:30 AM on Day 142.

On the one hand, I believe that plenty of people are reading. I know that many people — those I’ve met and those I haven’t — have subscribed to this blog. And several people have told me they read this blog and enjoy it — which always warms my heart. All this — plus my experience, in groups, that, for every person who voices something, there are other, silent people who feel the same way — gives me the faith that this blog is being seen and heard enough.

Also, I especially feel good when I put things out in the world just for the sake of expression, letting go completely of the result.

These kind of thoughts tell me that this blog is exactly where it is supposed to be — in terms of readership and everything else.

This reminds me of a sign we had in the large group room at the psychiatric day treatment program where I used to work:

You Are Exactly Where You are Supposed To Be.

A lot of people who saw that sign said they found it very helpful, if difficult to believe at times.

I have found that sign — and concept — very helpful, too.

So helpful that I almost feel ready to end this post, just letting that concept in, again, tonight:

This blog is exactly where it is supposed to be.

Ahhhh. That helps. And I do believe it.

My original plans for this Sleepless in Massachusetts post had included the other side of Faith: Doubt. These doubts would have included the surprisingly low numbers I see here on WordPress about daily readership. I am puzzled by these numbers at times, because they don’t match other data, here at WordPress and elsewhere (data including readership maps, numbers of followers, etc.).

That Doubt-tinged Data — of Lower Than Expected Readership — usually doesn’t worry me. But — like everything else I see and perceive — those numbers stay in my mind, ready to surface (especially when I can’t sleep).

But for now, I am content to let go of those doubts and concerns. I believe, right now, that

I (and everything I create, including this blog) is exactly where it’s supposed to be.

As a result — Poof! All expectations, “shoulds,” and investments in outcomes — regarding this blog — fade away.

Even while those construction noises don’t.

I am supremely grateful, in this moment, for your readership. Goodnight and zzzzzzzzzzzz (snoring noises, for those of you who wonder).

Categories: personal growth | Tags: blogging, cognitive distortions, construction noises, doubt, faith, group therapy, hope, needs, psychiatric day treatment, shoulds, sleep, worry | 9 Comments

Day 137: Ghosts and Bravery

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Ann Koplow

When I was a little kid, I was afraid of ghosts.

I remember, very vividly, sitting stock-still, wide awake — when my mother, father, and sister were all asleep — listening for ghosts.

The ghosts that I was listening for — among all the noises one hears in the middle of the night — were malevolent. I feared they meant my family — and me — harm.

(By the way, I had no idea what I was going to write about when I woke up this morning. However, I know I’m writing about the “right thing” now. How do I know that? I’m crying, and I don’t know where this post is going. )

I would sit up in my bed for — how long? It felt like hours, listening for these malevolent ghosts during the night.

Over the years, I’ve talked about these memories with a therapist or two. I’ve been puzzled by why I was doing that, as a child.

I remember a therapist or two saying, “That sounds like you believed that you and your family were in danger, and you wanted to protect them.”

I remember thinking, in response to these therapists (and I’m still thinking now): “That’s weird. Why did I think we were in danger? And why did I think that I — a little girl who was sick a lot, during that time — had the power to protect us? Who did I think I was? And who did I think was endangering us?”

Again, I’m crying, so I think I’m “on to something” right now.

And I’m not sure what it is, but I’ll do my best to get closer to something helpful, before I end this post, drive my son to school, and go on into work.

The thought, “Who do you think you are?” is one that comes into my mind whenever I think I’m too powerful. It’s a painful thought, because it’s associated with shame.

Another thing that’s striking me, right now, is how brave and caring I apparently was, as a little kid. I’ve never had that thought before today, as I’m writing this post for you.

Before today, whenever I’ve thought about that little girl, sitting up in bed, scared of ghosts, wanting to protect her family, these were the thoughts:

How weird you were. That doesn’t make sense. What were you thinking?

But I’m seeing and telling the story, very differently, today.

Here’s something else that is helping me do that.

Yesterday, at work, I had the privilege of facilitating a group where one of the members — a beautiful, intelligent, passionate, caring, emotional woman, who had experienced painful experiences, illnesses, and set-backs in her life — talked about (1) things that made her anxious and (2) ways she “beat herself up.” Eventually, she told us about some scary experiences she had, as a kid. And the group, spontaneously and authentically, told her how much they supported and admired her.

And I wrote the word “bravery” on the white board I have in my office. And I invited everybody in that group yesterday — each of them people who had dealt with crippling anxiety at some point in their lives — to think about how they could see themselves as having been brave in the midst of fear.

In the group, I said something to the beautiful, passionate, crying woman — who had taken the risk of revealing painful memories of her childhood to people she had only met a few times previously. “I can’t imagine a more vivid picture of bravery than the one you painted for us today. A little girl standing — scared but unmoving — between a violent person and a beloved family member.”

And I wasn’t sure whether that was the right thing to say, because I wasn’t sure how she would hear it or take it in. (But based on what I saw in the faces of all the group members, yesterday, it looked like it was okay.)

I realize — as I am writing this blog post to you — I am telling myself the same exact thing I was trying to communicate to that beautiful, passionate, feeling-filled woman yesterday.

I’m picturing my 10-year-old self, frozen with fear at night, listening for malevolent forces in my home, not sure what I might do, but fixated on protecting my family, who were unaware of danger, sleeping peacefully.

And, right now I’m letting in, for myself, what I said to that woman in group yesterday.

I couldn’t imagine a more vivid picture of bravery than that: a little girl, scared and unmoving, trying to protect family members she loved from harm.

I have some surprising new thoughts, this morning:

Maybe ghosts do exist in some way. And maybe, just like “clichés” tell us, they are related to the spirits of people who have passed on from this world.
Maybe there are signals, to us, in this world, to help keep us on the “right” track. (And here’s some current “proof” and data for THAT. This beautiful creature, who lives with us, and likes to sit on laps, laptops, and other things, just improved this post with an editing change:.)
Maybe, just maybe, ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been a person who passionately wishes to do well in this world.
And maybe part of what I was trying to protect my family from were my own “bad feelings” that I must have had as a kid (but don’t remember feeling). That is, maybe I was trying to protect myself and them from the rage and fear that any young kid would have naturally felt — having to leave my family and stay in a place (the hospital) filled with pain and people who appeared not to care about me at all.

Phew! This was a surprising post. (And I’m not sure if it all makes sense.)

But it felt so important, as I was writing it, that I ended up not driving my son to school this morning — he walked instead. (That, however, resulted in my son and I exchanging many “gifts” before he left, including both of us — in our own ways — expressing love and trying several new things.)

But now it’s time for me to conclude, this morning.

Thanks for reading, and for taking whatever you need from this, wherever you are.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: adventure, anxiety, blogging, bravery, cats, childhood illness, fear, ghosts, group therapy, groups | 11 Comments

Day 134: The Next Right Thing (re-visited)

Posted on May 14, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Waaaay back this year, on Day 35, I wrote about doing the next right thing.

I just re-read that post (which, apparently, was the Next Right Thing for ME to do, in THAT moment). I was happy to see that I linked to somebody else’s blog post, at WordPress. (It was the first time I had done that, so I remember feeling nervous about doing that.)

I was surprised at how much I got out of reading what I wrote before.

I was surprised at how little I judged what I had written.

Sometimes, I don’t read things I’ve already written, out of fear — fear of judging something I’ve created, fear of becoming depleted because of that self-judgment ( and, therefore, less capable of moving forward).

Here’s my question for today: What have I learned (or re-learned) about Doing The Next Right Thing (between Day 35 and today)?

Fear of doing the wrong thing gets in the way of figuring out what The Next Right Thing is.
There are many, many Next Right Things.
It’s your choice what to do next.
Your choice is affected by many different things — inside you and outside you.
If you think you have done the Next Wrong Thing, learn from that.
Let go of shame and regret, so you can move on (see #1 above).
The more open you are to what you have learned, in each moment, the more wisely you will choose.

I just re-read that list and I feel an urge to kid myself a little bit, because I sound like a wise old owl.

So going with that urge, I just did a Google Image search on “wise old owl” and this is what I found. This:

And this:

Now I know. The next right thing, in this moment, is …

… to conclude this post. Thanks for reading, everybody!

Categories: personal growth | Tags: adventure, blogging, community, connection, fear, learning, owls, self improvement, the next right thing, wisdom | 5 Comments

Day 126: Ridiculous things I’m feeling guilty about

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Ann Koplow

For over a month, I haven’t been reading issues of The New Yorker magazine that download on my Nook every Monday.
I’m not reading enough, in general.
I’m angry at a local organization, which hasn’t fulfilled its promised obligations to me.
I’ve been “too nice”to this local organization, for about a month, and now I’m feeling taken advantage of.
It’s a charitable organization, so I think I shouldn’t be angry at all.
I wrote a very clear e-mail to the organization yesterday, stating my needs and expectations.
My cat has been biting me lately, and I suspect it’s because I haven’t been paying enough attention to him.
I don’t have enough cat toys around for the cat to play with.
I’ve been doing too much at work and need to set better limits there.
I haven’t been responding to patient needs at work quickly enough and (because of my long-time experiences as a patient) I know how bad THAT can feel.
I’m on vacation, so I shouldn’t be thinking about work.
I probably shouldn’t be writing in this blog at 2:42 AM, even though I think this might help me get back to sleep.

Boy, the title I chose for this post was pretty good, wasn’t it? These are pretty ridiculous, when you think about it.

Sometimes I wonder whether guilt has ever done me any good. I can’t think of any instances of that, right now. What’s been your experience?

Thanks for reading, people!

(Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

Categories: personal growth | Tags: blogging, cats biting, communication, connection, getting needs met, guilt, needs, Nook, self improvement, self-judgment, sleep, The New Yorker | 7 Comments

Day 125: Feelings, briefly

Posted on May 5, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I am writing this post in the evening of a day where I experienced a range of emotions, including:

Joy, because I reunited with a childhood friend who is writing a wonderful blog here (and was at least partially inspired by this blog) AND
Disappointment, because I realized that my fantasy of giving a “big” presentation in June might not turn out as I wished.

There were lots of other feelings I experienced today, but those are the ones that are standing out for me right now.

Boy, feelings can really get things going, can’t they? And I don’t know about you, but I am more comfortable with joy than I am with disappointment.

But all the feelings of this day passed through me, just like weather moves through our atmosphere.

Which is great, because now I can be totally present in this moment, and do what I really want to do:

Post a goofy picture.

I took this photo last week, when I was driving through Watertown, MA, a town that has been in the news lately. I saw this Giant Tooth jumping around, apparently trying to sell something. When I pulled over to get a photo of him/her/it, I got two thumbs up.

We both had big smiles, then.

Thanks for reading!

Categories: personal growth | Tags: blogging, childhood friend, disappointment, giant tooth, joy, MA, Watertown | 5 Comments