“At Last You’re Here” is a perfect title and song for today, because:
I know my parents said, “At Last You’re Here” when my older sister Ellen was born, 68 years ago today.
At last it’s official that my esteemed friend and fellow social worker Megan will be here with me at the hospital, starting in December. At last we’re here, working together again.
At last, these photos are here from my iPhone:
At first and at last, Oscar is here while I create these posts.
At my last birthday party (almost three years ago), Megan was here (next to my ex-sister-in-law Deborah):
At last, my sister and I are here:
At last and at least, we’re all here together on this earth.
At least since January 1, 2013, I’m here on WordPress every day.
At last you’re here, at the end of this post.
Lasting thanks to Ellen, Megan, Deborah, Oscar, Pat Metheny, Marie Kondo, and all who are here today, including you!
Déjà Vu. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we’ve lived through something before — that what is happening now has already happened.
Way back in the 1960’s, I learned that Déjà Vu is a glitch in our cognition — an experience going into the memory section of the brain too quickly. Since then, whenever I feel that strange feeling of Déjà Vu, I just go along for the ride.
Here are some quotes about Déjà Vu:
It’s déjà vu all over again.
Yogi Berra
For a few precarious seconds, the chaplain tingled with a weird, occult sensation of having experienced the identical situation before in some prior time or existence. He endeavored to trap and nourish the impression in order to predict, and perhaps even control, what incident would occur next, but the afflatus melted away unproductively, as he had known beforehand it would. Déjà vu. The subtle recurring confusion between illusion and reality that was characteristic of paramnesia fascinated the chaplain, and he knew a number of things about it. He knew, for example, that it was called paramnesia and he was interested as well in such corollary optical phenomena as jamais vu, never seen, and presque vu, almost seen. There were terrifying, sudden moments when objects, concepts and even people that the chaplain had lived with almost all his life inexplicably took on an unfamiliar and irregular aspect that he had never seen before and which made them seem totally strange: jamais vu. And there were other moments when he almost saw absolute truth in brilliant flashes of clarity that almost came to him: presque vu. The episode of the naked man in the tree at Snowden’s funeral mystified him thoroughly. It was not déjà vu, for at the time he had experienced no sensation of ever having seen a naked man in a tree at Snowden’s funeral before. It was not jamais vu, since the apparition was not of someone, or something, familiar appearing to him in an unfamiliar guise. And it was certainly not presque vu, for the chaplain did see him…
Joseph Heller, Catch-22 (1961), pp. 52-53.
We have all some experience of a feeling, that comes over us occasionally, of what we are saying and doing having been said and done before, in a remote time — of our having been surrounded, dim ages ago, by the same faces, objects, and circumstances — of our knowing perfectly what will be said next, as if we suddenly remembered it!
Charles Dickens, David Copperfield (1850), Ch. 39.
There are some places which, seen for the first time, yet seem to strike a chord of recollection. “I have been here before,” we think to ourselves, “and this is one of my true homes.” It is no mystery for those philosophers who hold that all which we shall see, with all which we have seen and are seeing, exists already in an eternal now; that all those places are home to us which in the pattern of our life are twisting, in past, present and future, tendrils of remembrance round our heart-strings.
E. C. Bentley and H. Warner Allen, Trent’s Own Case (1936), Chapter XV.
In the condition of “deja vu” it is probable that what takes place is that one or several elements in the present situation are like those which had been experienced in the past, but that the dissimilarities in the situations are not observed. The individual has a memory defect in that he parallels or identifies a complex present experience with a similar complex past experience, although in the present experience the number of elements which are the same as those in the past may not be very great. In other words, the present experience is deemed to be the same as that of the past because of the fact that the past is not accurately remembered and properly localized in time.
Shepherd Ivory Franz, “Delusions”, Popular Science, January 1915, Vol. 86, p. 90.
To the category of the wonderful and uncanny we may also add that strange feeling we perceive in certain moments and situations when it seems as if we had already had exactly the same experience, or had previously found ourselves in the same situation. … I believe that it is wrong to designate the feeling of having experienced something before as an illusion. On the contrary, in such moments something is really touched that we have already experienced, only we cannot consciously recall the latter because it never was conscious. In short, the feeling of Déjà vu corresponds to the memory of an unconscious fantasy.
Sigmund Freud, The Psychopathology of Everyday Life (1901), tr. A. A. Brill (1915), pp. 320–321.
When some French were assembling an encyclopedia of paranormal experiences, they decided to leave déjà vu out, because it was so common it could not be considered paranormal.
Kim Stanley Robinson, Galileo’s Dream (2009), Ch. 13, p. 284
In yesterday’s blog post — which I was happy to present to you — we found out that thesaurus.com believes that happiness is the opposite of intensity.
Fairness, clarity, completeness, and closure are elements of happiness for me, so let’s see if thesaurus.com thinks “intensity” is an antonym of happiness.
Does what thesaurus.com does — or does not do — get in the way of my happiness today?
It does not.
What might get in the way of my happiness today?
When I was leaving the parking garage of the movie theater where Michael, Aaron, and I saw Bridge of Spies last night, I scraped some happy yellow paint off the side mirror of my car, which has been providing me with lots of happiness.
That’s all I can think of, in the moment.
To me, that is happiness — waking up in the morning thinking of only one minor, fixable barrier to happiness.
I’m sure if I spent more time, right now, thinking about past experiences of or future possibilities for
27 out of 42 of those intensity synonyms seem intensely positive to me. The intensity of my math skills tells me that “intensity” is therefore 64% personally positive.
I am intensely curious why “passion” is not listed as a synonym of intensity. Including “passion” bumps up the intensity of my personally positive percentage to 67%.
Ready for the intensity of intensity antonyms, according to thesaurus.com?
7 out of those 15 words seem intensely negative to me, so the intensity negative percentage, for me, is 47%.
“Numbness” is not listed as an antonym. Including that increases the intensity of my personally negative percentage to 53%.
What are your mathematical and/or non-mathematical reactions to “intensity,” right now?
I can’t hold back the intensity of this thought:
Who — besides somebody at thesaurus.com — thinks that the opposite of intensity is happiness?
Here’s the intensity of my first, tentative answer to the intensity of my own question: Buddhists, perhaps?
Which of these photos — which I took in the intensity of much warmer than average temperatures yesterday — contain the most intensity, for you?
I hope you enjoy the intensity of this tune, which I heard while I was pondering intensity, yesterday:
I like the intensity of Kurt Elling‘s voice interpreting the intensity of “Minuano,” by Pat Metheny (whose music I’ve adored, with intensity, since the 1970s).
It just occurred to me, with intensity, that I don’t know what “Minuano” means. Maybe that definition is related to “intensity.”
A cold southwesterly wind of southern Brazil, occurring during the Southern Hemisphere winter.
Oooh. Intense.
I hope you can imagine the intensity of my gratitude for all who helped me intensely create this post and for you — of course! — for experiencing its intensity, today.
Have you ever thought that something was too good to be true? Was it too good? And was it true?
Why do we think that something can be too good to be true? Don’t we truly deserve good things to happen to us, as often as possible?
Here’s something true. I’ve never, ever had this thought:
That’s too bad to be true.
Why is that true, good people?
If something seems too good to be true, people often have distorted thoughts about it, including:
I don’t deserve this.
This is going to be taken away.
I better not talk about this.
Something terrible is going to happen.
Is that true for you, good readers?
Yesterday, I remarked that I was having a day that was too good to be true, because:
I found out that a good and true therapist is going to be hired by the hospital to work with me.
I saw reviews for my presentation at the hospital from a week ago that were so good that I wondered if they were true.
The temperature was a too-good-to-be-true-for-Boston-in-November 74 degrees.
My Thursday evening therapy group made me write “Ann is the best ever” on the white board. I wouldn’t believe that was true unless I had this good proof:
It’s true that a good member of the group last night also brought up AFOG (which stands for “Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth”). It’s too good to be true that I started this daily blog almost three years ago to help me write a book titled “AFOG.” If you don’t think that’s true, please read my good enough “About” page.
Have I truly written a book with the good title “AFOG”? No, because blogging every day since January 1, 2013 has been too good to be true for me.
Let’s see if I have any other photos from yesterday that are too good to be true.
I wonder if I can find some too-good-to-be-true music for this post.
It’s true that a good and superstitious person told me, yesterday, that I should throw salt over my left shoulder because of my too-good-to-be-true day. Here‘s too-good-to-be-true Stevie Wonder:
It’s too good to be true that my last photo matches that music, so well.
True thanks to all the good people who helped me write this post and to you — of course! — for being so true, to me.
This month of November, I’ve committed to posting every day. This does not feel like an onerous obligation to me, since I’ve chosen to post once a day since January 1, 2013.
I’ve determined that daily posting is not an obligation to anybody else, but rather a personal commitment to growth and healing.
Obligations feel a lot different than choices, don’t they?
Yesterday, my therapy group decided to discuss the topic of “obligations.” Here’s something Olivia, the social work intern, shared with the group participants:
Since I told Olivia I was going to include her drawing in today’s blog, I’ve now fulfilled that obligation. I also choose to explain that Olivia did a great job, yesterday, describing how hidden and unclear obligations make it more challenging to be obliging.
It’s not my obligation to share with you what I shared with the group yesterday, but I am choosing to show you this:
What are your thoughts and feelings about obligations?
I wonder who will feel obligated to respond if I ask which of these photos best represents the word “obligations”?
I feel obligated to tell you that this photo best represents obligations, for me …
… because it says “WASH ME.”
This photo
… could also represent new and daunting obligations to me, since those are the keys to my office, in Newton, Massachusetts. From now on, for one year, I have an obligation to pay rent for that space. However, providing group therapy in any location feels more like a privilege, to me, than an obligation.
Do I have an obligation to my readers to include music in this post? Do you have an obligation to listen?
Obligatory AND sincere thanks to all who helped me create today’s post and special thanks to you — of course! — no matter what your obligations are, today.
I am determined to tell you, immediately, why this post is titled “Determined.”
Now that I’m determined to examine that image — which I determined to take yesterday — I’ve determined that it does NOT say “TBD,” which stands for To Be Determined. Instead, it says “TBA.”
Are we determined to discover what “TBA” stands for?
I’m determined to stay focused on “determined” today.
I’m determined to tell you that since my esteemed colleague, Mary, determined to retire from the hospital where we both work, we’ve been determined to find a wonderful therapist to fill her place. We’ve determined that nobody can really replace Mary, but we’re determined to find somebody special. Even though we’ve been determined to interview many determined people over many determined weeks, that list of determined therapists still reads “TBA,” (which I’m determined, now, to announce means “To Be Announced”).
I’m determined to hope that we announce, very soon, that we’ve determined that a determined, creative, empathic, and lovely person has determined to join us.
I’ve determined that I have other determined thoughts about “determined”:
I’m determined to meet with somebody today about renting office space, so I can offer my therapy groups to people who have determined to not have their determined doctors at that Boston hospital where I work.
I’m determined to help myself and others focus on self care, which studies have determined promotes longer and happier lives for those who are determined to do so.
Being determined doesn’t mean focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all others.
I am determined to have adult-to-adult interactions with people, so they can determine priorities and options in their lives.
It has yet to be determined what college my son is going to next year.
I’m determined to facilitate a therapy group of determined people, this morning, at the hospital where my new co-worker is yet to be determined and announced.
For the month of November, I’ve announced that I’m determined to post every day, along with other determined bloggers.
Here are more determined photos, from yesterday:
It’s TBD what I’m wearing to work today, but I’ve determined it won’t be what’s pictured above, since I determined to wear that yesterday.
Do you think this post is over determined?
It’s TBD and TBA what determined music I’m determining for this determined post.
Yesterday, I visited my sister, Ellen, who is allergic to cheese.
Some people think limericks are cheesy. I hope Ellen isn’t allergic to this:
My sister, allergic to cheese,
Knows that living near water brings ease.
At this stage in her life,
She and Linda, her wife,
Have a condo that’s certain to please,
Next to water that never will freeze.
My limerick for Ellen has an extra line, but I wanted to give it an extra slice of cheese, for love and luck.
Speaking of slices of cheese, Ellen had this on her salad at lunch yesterday:
While that looks like a slice of cheese, it’s not. Would it be cheesy to ask you to guess what that is?
Personally, guessing games make me smile like I’m saying “cheese.”
Last night, our local supermarket was giving out free samples of cheese.
While you might think it cheesy to wear a Halloween costume the day after Halloween, I smiled when I saw this princess ….
… who kept going back for more cheese.
As usual, I saw other cheesy items at the supermarket.
Ellen and I are both far from 29, so I didn’t buy that cheesy “cake mate” to celebrate. By the way, I don’t think it’s cheesy for anyone to attain their heart’s desire (like a place near the ocean) late in life.
After my boyfriend Michael and I completed our cheesy food shopping last night, he made us veggie burgers with cheese (not pictured).
Here are several more slices of cheese for today’s cheese-filled post:
Say “cheese,” please, because studies have shown that smiling increases ease.
Thanks to all who helped me write this cheesy post and an extra slice of thanks to you — of course! — for eating it up.
While I’ve written posts with “change” in the title before (here, here, here, here, here, here,here, and here), I’ve never created a post simply called “Change.”
Today, that’s going to change.
It’s appropriate that change is happening today, because:
while I was asleep last night, there was a time change,
I’m hoping for a major change at work,
I’m taking a break this weekend from my job, where I help people make positive change,
my son Aaron submitted his first college application yesterday, which may change his life,
as my boyfriend Michael wrote to me over five years ago (before the day we made the change to meet in person), “Things just change, regardless. No static spot to stand on this planet, that’s for sure.”
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
– George Bernard Shaw
When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.
– Victor Frankl
Change before you have to.
– Jack Welch
Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed, that’s all who ever have.
– Margaret Mead
The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.
– Nathaniel Branden
Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.
– Keri Russell
Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes.
– Hugh Prather
Things don’t have to change the world to be important.
– Steve Jobs
I hope everyone that is reading this is having a really good day. And if you are not, just know that in every new minute that passes you have an opportunity to change that.
– Gillian Anderson
