Posts Tagged With: shame

Day 43: Home-based realizations (Starring Growth! Safety! and the Entire Medical Profession)

Posted on February 12, 2013 by Ann Koplow

So, I’m home. And while I love traveling, very much, I am definitely somewhat “on guard” when I’m away from home.  Especially when I’m traveling on my own for most of the trip.

So now that I’m back in my home base, and relaxing a bit, I’m realizing some things, which I’m going to jot down here, before I re-engage — for the first time in over a week — with my typical morning routine (including taking my son to school and going back for my first day at work).

These realizations  feel new to me. I think I’m having them, this morning, partly because of the personal growth I’ve been experiencing — already! — during This Year of Living Non-Judgmentally.

However, they probably aren’t completely new realizations. They are probably lessons that I’m re-realizing, again, as I move further up the ascending coil of my life’s path.  (Carl Jung spoke about our life’s path being in the shape of an ascending coil, which I wrote about here.)

However, these realizations feel new, probably because I’m experiencing them in a deeper, more profound way. And, even more importantly, I’m making these realizations more real,  right now at this point in my life, because I’m bringing them out from a strictly internal sphere and sharing these with the external world.

Or to re-state that last sentence more plainly — I’m not keeping these thoughts to myself anymore. I’m sharing them with other people in my life and with the whole friggin’ Blogosphere, right now!

So where was I before those digressions?  Oh, yes.

Here’s the main point I want to write today, on this Day 43 of the Year of Living Blog-mentally:

I have trouble believing that other people truly love me and will be there for me, no matter what.  

There is the punch-line — the important realization — right there,  in an italicized nut-shell.

So now I’m going to write a little bit about where I think this “trouble” comes from, for me.

(Although I suspect I’m not alone in this issue. Feel free to comment, if you like, if you can relate to this issue, dear reader.)

I think this issue is related to my childhood, when I was hospitalized very frequently for heart issues.  During those “primitive” times of healthcare — the early 1960s — my parents were not allowed to be with me in the hospital, outside of regular visiting hours.

(Here’s an indication of how far health care has come, in this area, since I was kid. When I tell stories about my experiences in the hospital, people CANNOT BELIEVE  that parents were not allowed to stay overnight with kids in the hospital in the 60s.)

Anyway,  between the ages of 9 and 13, I was in the hospital a lot, dealing with lots of operations and scary things (and people), on my own. So even though I’m sure my parents loved me, they couldn’t be with me during some times when it really mattered.  And I guess, maybe my young self believed — on some level — that if my parents really loved me, they would have fought tooth-and-nail, like tigers, to stay with me, no matter what.  

But, again, it was a different time.  And I think all of us — my parents and me — didn’t want to piss off the People in Control — the doctors at the hospital.  I know that I had this childish  fear:  if I DID  alienate the doctors and nurses, by not being a good (maybe even perfect!)  patient, these all-powerful people might let me die.

And I think that my parents, even though they had the wisdom of adulthood,  really wanted to please The Powers That Were, in the Hospital.  I’m assuming my parents did not want to alienate the doctors and nurses who were taking care of me,  by being Uncooperative, Troublesome Parents. (For example,  fighting tooth and nail to stay with me, like tigers).     I guess both my parents and I wanted to stack the deck in our favor with the doctors. Maybe everyone in my family believed, back then,  that if we were really good and didn’t alienate the hospital staff, we would have had a better chance to survive these experiences,  in the best shape possible.

I’m realizing now that these beliefs — fears, really — were probably untrue. (Now that I think of it, my parents and I were mind reading, fortune telling,  catastrophizing, and maybe  doing additional cognitive distortions.) (The 13 cognitive distortions are listed here.)

I’m realizing that those fears were untrue, because doctors are trained — in medical school —  to keep people alive, whether or not they like them. Even if we had been Bad Patients (or Bad Family Members of Patients), I think I still would be alive today.

But I wonder if my parents and I were (or are)  alone in responding to the medical community that way.  When people seem to have life-and-death power over you, maybe a lot of people deal with that by being compliant, by not rocking the boat, by being as perfect as they possibly can be.

Hmmmmm.  That last paragraph seems like a topic I’ll write about again.  (And maybe THAT was part of what I was trying to write about in my post about anti-Semitism and other “isms” two days ago.  (That difficult and — I believe — somewhat confusing post is here.)

A couple of more things I wanted to say about this.  Maybe my parents DID fight tooth and nail to stay with me, and they didn’t succeed.  (You think it’s tough fighting city hall?  Try fighting rules and regulations at a hospital.)

If you, dear, reader,  feel an urge to comment about what you read here in this post, I welcome your comment, as always. But, no  pressure to comment.

I don’t need you to be a perfect reader, or compliant with my requests. Not at all.

And, I have to say, it’s good to be home.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Day 31: The Effect of Attention

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Ann Koplow

So I chose — soon after I woke up this morning — the topic I wanted to attempt today.  Soon after I made that decision, I wrote out the title “The Effect of Attention” and  I thought — Whoa!  That’s a huge topic. So I may just skirt the surface of this interesting topic today. We’ll see.

The inspiration to write about The Effect of Attention came from some aspects of the groups I’ve started at the hospital where I work. I wrote about these groups  in this blog, on Day 13, as follows:

Here’s how these groups are different. People, once they are oriented  to the structure and guidelines of the group, can attend when and how often they choose.  If you were attending these groups, you would never know for sure who was going to be there when you showed up — you might know some people but other ones would probably be new.  And, you’d have control over when and how often you attend. You could come once a week, once a month, whenever you wanted. You could book  a space way ahead, decide to come spontaneously (if space was available), and cancel if you couldn’t make it.

(Hey! There’s another first! That is, I just quoted myself for the first time, here in the Blog of Living Non-Judgmentally.)

Anyway, so once people are signed up for these groups, they can attend as they please.  And that means that at any particular group meeting, there may be lots of people and there may be very few people, or somewhere in the middle.  And I’m just getting these groups going, so — inevitably — for some sessions, nobody may show up. Or ONE person may show up.  And people may argue that one person is NOT a group, but, in order to keep the benefits of flexible scheduling, I need to allow for that possibility.

So this is the way I have dealt with all this. I make  it clear to interested group participants — before they get into the group —  how the attendance will vary. I assure them that the group is designed to work, no matter how many people show.  And if one person shows up, that person will get a personal training session.  (Sometimes I feel like I’m doing an infomercial when I’m talking about the groups. “No matter who shows up, satisfaction guaranteed!  Wait, there’s still more!  Act now and you might get THIS VALUABLE BONUS  — 90-minutes of PERSONAL TRAINING with fabulous group therapists!”)

Anyway, this group model has been working well enough.  However, I recognize that the number of people that show up to a session has an effect on the group members. For example, if very few people show up for a group, thoughts like these may very well occur to people:

Geesh!  What the hell is going on here?  Does the number of people here mean that something I said in a previous session made everybody stay away?  OR does this mean that our group leader SUCKS?  Eeeek!

And what if  lots of people show up?  If the number of group members seems like TOO MANY for a group (according to somebody’s personal judgment), these thoughts might occur:

Geesh!    What the hell is going on here? Does that mean I won’t get a chance to talk?  And with all these people, chances are greater that somebody is NOT going to like me (or I won’t like them)!! Eeeek!

(For those of you who are reading this blog regularly, if you noticed the distortion of mind-reading above, you get Bonus Points!  However, as people often point out to me, sometimes our guesses about what other people are thinking might have validity.  The antidote to mind-reading is reality testing, something I like to do, a lot.)

So, now, at this point in this post,  I would like to circle back  to the title of this blog: The Effects of Attention.

If  somebody shows up for the group by themselves, they are going to get a hell of a lot more attention than if there are 12 other people in the room.

And I think we all have different levels of comfort with the amount of attention we receive. I’ve noticed that some of us are more self-conscious than others, and would do ANYTHING to avoid a lot of attention.    And I’ve noticed — on the other end of that scale — that some of us LOVE attention. The more, the better.

I think I go up and down on that Attention Reaction Scale, depending upon a lot of things, including (1) my comfort with myself, (2) how deserving I feel of the attention, and many other factors. (See, I KNEW this was a big topic!)

And I’ll share with you a memory I had about this issue of attention, when I decided to write about this topic today.  This memory came up because only one person did show up for a group yesterday, and I’m not sure how many will show tonight. (It looks like two people, so far, but because people can schedule until the last minute, so it may be more. Or even much more.)

Anyway, here’s the memory.  About three years ago, I signed up for a 6-week yoga class that was offered for the staff at the mental health clinic where I was working. Now, I’ve never done yoga.  And I have these judgments about myself, regarding my extreme lack of natural ability to engage successfully in Physical Exercise Classes of any kind. (These judgments might be related to my experience growing up. Because of my heart issues then, I did not take gym the entire time I was in school. And, as far as I heard from everybody else in my school, people thought I had Won The Luck Lottery, getting out of gym that way. But this had an effect, I’m sure. )

So the first time I went to the Yoga Class, I definitely had moments where I felt completely incompetent and self-conscious,  because I just could not follow the Yoga Teacher’s instructions. And I compared myself to everybody else in that class, who all seemed to be doing it perfectly, as if I had missed a previously scheduled Dress Rehearsal on how to do the class. Yes, I remember feeling pretty awful at some points during that first class.  And I didn’t want to go back.

I think I did go back several times and — again — I felt like I had missed the Dress Rehearsal for that class. When I tried to do the Dog Pose,  everybody else looked like Pure-bred Golden Retrievers and I looked like a mangy mongrel.  Actually, I don’t think I even looked like a dog, or any other living, breathing animal.  I think I looked like an illustration of How Not to Do Yoga.  (Well, what can I say? This happened  three years before The Year of Living Non-Judgmentally.)

And I’m now approaching the end (and the point) of this story.  I went to the last session of that 6-week yoga class, feeling kind of dejected and fearing the amount of shame I might feel that night. And I was the only one who showed up. And I had lots of thoughts, like, “Geesh! What does this mean?  Does this mean other people don’t like this teacher? I don’t think so, but how is this going to effect the teacher?  Is she going to take it personally? And how is that going to affect her tonight?”  But while these thoughts were coming up, I also knew that a lot of the staff where I worked were dealing with lots of deadlines.  And who knows what else might have been keeping people away?  (Now that I think of it, I see this all the time:  some people tend to avoid the last meeting of anything).

So, anyway, I remember consciously trying to let go of the anxiety I was feeling about being there, just me, with ALL of the Yoga Teacher’s Attention. And here’s the punchline:  It was a wonderful experience.  I got a lot out of it.  I remember feeling safe enough with her that I got in touch with some old shame about my physical capabilities. And I cried. And I did the dog pose. And I looked enough like an actual mammal, if not a dog. And I felt fine and accepting of exactly where I was, Yoga-wise.

Wow, this was a long post, wasn’t it?  I should warn you, dear reader:  Thursday’s posts are probably likely to be longer, because I can go in to work a little bit later.  I can go in later,  because I stay late, running a group.

Gee!  I wonder how many people will show up tonight?

Thanks for reading.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Day 27: This blog is good enough AND I can make it better.

Posted on January 27, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I’m glad I’ve chosen this for the Topic Du Jour, because I think I’m going to find this helpful (and maybe even fun!) to write about.

For one thing, I like thinking about the generalized version of this subject heading, which I’ve been using lately as a remedy or antidote, when I start to lapse into self-judgment:

It’s good enough already AND I can make it better.

What I like about this handy-dandy, helpful phrase is that it allows me to feel acceptance of where I am (regarding my learning curve at work, relationships,  my abilities as a mother, where I live, a group I’m doing, etc.), despite my constant awareness of all the things I don’t know and could improve upon.

So that phrase definitely helps me.

It’s helping me right now!

Starting and writing this blog is a good example of how that phrase can help me hold (and honor) two things which may seem mutually exclusive:  (1) acceptance of where I am and (2) my inherently lively self-judgmental voice, which wants me to do better (but which, in its zealousness, can make me feel worse).

At this point, I’d like to fill you in on some details about The Birth of This Blog. In December,  after spending several months writing, more prolifically than I expected, chapters for a possible book (or two), I decided that it might be a good time to also start a blog.  I had never written a blog before, but I liked the idea of another outlet for writing — and a way of writing that would be much more interactive than writing a book on my own. I also saw starting a blog as a way to support a current quest of mine:   to let go of judgment (and to help others do the same).  And the title of the blog came to me: The Year of Living Non-Judgmentally. I loved the idea of committing to that for the coming year, recognizing that Non-Judgment is a goal that I would never completely and consistently attain, but which striving toward could  be very helpful.  (I’m thinking about Calculus, which I actually hated in school, but which — if my memory serves me correctly  —  is all about approaching and getting closer to a point without actually ever reaching it.)

I wasn’t sure how often I would write in this blog, and I wasn’t sure when I would start it.  The two possibilities for starting were:  January 1, 2013, and February 2, 2013, which would be my 60th birthday.  So, in December, I started a quick and dirty research of How To Blog, using my usual learning technique of asking people what they knew and what they would advise. A couple of people suggested WordPress as the site.  And then I did a quick crash course, for myself, of how to get started blogging on WordPress.  I spent a few hours looking at possible formats (called “themes” here),  saw the “Adventure Journal” theme  and loved the idea of this coming year as an adventure. (I also looked at the suggested photographs for the Adventure Journal and LOVED the picture of that camel, looking at the pyramids — a place I’ve always wanted to go, and haven’t been to yet.)

So, late in December, I decided upon the theme and felt like I knew enough to Take The Plunge. And I began writing this blog on January 1, 2013.

Now,  I am 27 days into this journey, and have actually posted each day. I have also had a chance to look at other WordPress blogs.

So, right on schedule, I am having thoughts that fit into the Cognitive Distortion of ….

Comparisons.

Here is the definition of Comparisons,  from a hand-out I use at work on Cognitive Distortions/Unhelpful Thoughts:

Comparisons.

We compare ourselves to others, with ourselves coming out short. For example, “I’m not as smart (or good, competent, good-looking, lovable, etc.) as that other person.”   Or, we compare ourselves to how we think we should be, or how we’ve been before.  We might think that comparisons help motivate us, but they usually make us feel worse.

So, yes, I am now reading other blog posts here, where I really enjoy the cleanness and simplicity of the posting themes. And lately, I have been comparing, to my disadvantage, the way my blog looks. My blog has an appearance chosen by a newbie, overwhelmed by all the choices here, who fell in love with the words “Adventure Journal” and a picture of an inscrutable camel staring at the pyramids.

Okay, if you’re interested in more details about the negative  thoughts  have come up for me lately about this blog — thoughts also heavily laden with the previously blogged-upon cognitive distortions of Mind-Reading and Should’s– feel free to dive into this italicized Pool of Judgment:

I don’t like the sans-serif type font that my blog theme uses.  And I can’t seem to change it!   When I used to work in marketing and advertising, I was a fanatic about using serif fonts in every piece of marketing literature I helped create –since studies showed that serif fonts were easier to read.  Why did I choose this theme without more care about the type font that was available?  People are probably having trouble reading this with that lousy type font.  They’re also probably getting annoyed with the “gimmicks” of my posts! It’s bad enough I’ve chosen my own gimmicks — using the term “dear reader” and my tendency to Capitalize Important Concepts (which drives my son crazy) — but at least THOSE I CAN CHANGE IF I CHOOSE. What about those gimmicks I can’t control because it’s part of the Adventure Journal Theme ? Those ripped slips of paper that serve as my replies to comments, and so on!  I bet those gimmicks are driving people crazy, and maybe even preventing some people from reading this blog!  What was I thinking, choosing such a busy theme?  Why didn’t I take more time to look at other people’s blogs, which look so modern, so clean, so easy to read?

Phew.  I don’t know how that was to read, but — as always — it helps me to write  down those dang judgmental thoughts — getting them out of my head.

I repeat, Phew!

I’m also noticing the focus on appearance — how this blog looks — in that pool of judgment. So  I’m remembering, right now,  times I’ve made other judgmental comparisons about appearances. That is, I’m remembering some painful times where I’ve compared how I look to a more popular ideal.

Hmmmm. That’s interesting.

So what I would like to do right now is to make some choices.  I’m reaffirming my acceptance of appearances (mine and my blog)  and hoping that people can get past any flaws –that I might see or fear  — to the beauty they may be able to find for themselves.

Wow!  I actually didn’t know this post was going to go THERE, dear reader.

Before I end this surprising post, I want to say a few more things:  There are some important lessons for me learn about being a blogger, including how to refer to other posts I’ve written, in a way that meets Blog Etiquette. (I have googled that concept of Blog Etiquette, but I’m still confused and relatively clueless about rules and execution of same.)  I would also like to learn how to list, on each blog post, the other blogs I’m following here, in order to share the wealth I’m experiencing as a reader.

But I’m reminding myself, right now, that I have time to learn what I need to, and I am happy — in the moment, now that I’ve written this post — with exactly where I am on the blogging journey.  Because it’s good enough AND I can make it better.

Thanks for participating on this day of this adventure with me, dear reader.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Day 25: I’m having trouble writing a post today.

Posted on January 25, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Well, I guess it was inevitable.

I started a post this morning, all gung-ho, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 6:30 AM.  The title of the post was “The Rules of Self-Disclosure.”  It was something I wanted to write about this morning because I took a risk yesterday at the end of a big presentation at the hospital yesterday where I work. I was really excited and enthusiastic about that presentation — which was about an upcoming, in-process change at the hospital, where patients will be able to read all the notes doctors write about them. Afterwards, I really wanted to  talk to the presenters, to express my enthusiasm and support for the new process and volunteer to be involved, but I felt too shy, and left the meeting. However, after I left, I almost immediately turned around and came back. And when I came back, my manager was talking to the presenters.  He introduced me, and I spoke my piece. In the process of expressing my enthusiasm, I did some self-disclosure — I told them that I had been a patient all my life, and that I was incredibly moved by how respectful I thought this change was.

I think that whole interaction went fine, and my manager, afterwards, told me how glad he was that I had come back to talk to the presenters.  And I was glad, too. But i noticed that I felt some anxiety the rest of the day, wondering whether I had said too much.

Anyway, I started writing about this topic this morning, but in a very different way. I started out by defining the use of the term “self-disclosure” and what that meant in therapy — how therapists decide what to reveal and what not to reveal about themselves when working with clients.  Soon, it was time for me to leave for work, and I hadn’t gotten to the piece I really wanted to say yet.  Then, I had a long tiring day at work, and when I came home, I looked at what I had written, wasn’t sure what to do with it, and then went out to dinner.  Then, when I got home from dinner, I looked at it again.

And I really didn’t like it.  And I felt too tired to rewrite it.

So then, I figured I would forget this post, “steal” some stuff from what I’d written for my book, and post that.  But when I looked at the chapters for my book, I didn’t like anything there, either.

Now, this is something that seems to happen to me.  I write something, feel okay about it, read it later, and …. I think it sucks.

It’s like some sort of switch gets pulled and if I read ANYTHING I’ve written before,  I don’t like it.

So that was happening tonight.  Great.  So the time was going by, and I had no post.  And then I started to feel the pressure of the deadline.  And then I started thinking that I might not be able to post something today.

And that made me realize that I DO want to post every day.  I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep this up, but I’d like to.

So I figured I would write about what was going on in the moment.  And, in the process, I quickly told that part of the story from yesterday that I really wanted to tell about self-disclosure.

So now …. here’s where the rubber meets the road.  I’ve typed this post really quickly, trying to ignore and let go of my very active Inner Critic.

But NOW I’ve got to re-read this before I post it — at least for typos, for heaven’s sake.  And what if that critical switch is still in effect?  If it is, I’m gonna dislike this, too. Probably intensely.  And if  that happens, what’s going to win out?  My wish to rewrite, my tiredness from work, or my wish to post every day?  Because here are my choices, people: (1) I can post something I dislike, (2) rewrite it until it’s good enough (although if The Critic is in full force, that’s going to be really tough), or (3) post nothing at all.

Okay, I’m going to go back and re-read.

Okay, I did.

And I’ve made my decision.

Thanks for reading, as always.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Day 21: I’m dealing with two old challenges today — illness and mistakes

Posted on January 21, 2013 by Ann Koplow

If you noticed that yesterday’s blog post was a little more … how should I say it? discursive? rambling?  spacey? … than usual,  dear reader — I have an excuse.

I’m sick.

I don’t think I have The Flu. (I seem to be escaping that, thank goodness.)  I think it’s just a cold.  Two days ago on Saturday, the first day of the long weekend (of course), I came down with a sore throat and had a slight fever. And when I was writing yesterday morning, I was definitely feeling under the weather.

And because I was sick,  the following blog topic occurred to me:  how illness affects my sense of self worth.

Even when I’m a little bit ill, being sick affects how I feel about myself.

I’m not sure whether that’s common for people. I haven’t really checked that out in any real way with other people. In other words, I haven’t used the helpful skill — an “antidote” to the Cognitive Distortion of Mind-Reading — of Reality Testing.  To put it more simply, I haven’t asked other people, “When you are even slightly ill, does it affect your sense of self worth?”  I mean, I know that serious and chronic illness can definitely affect people’s sense of self-worth, but A COLD?

The reason I haven’t really checked that out  before is this:  I assume that I’m different from other people in how illness affects me, because I dealt with so much illness when I was a child.  So I just assume that I’m “weird” when it comes to that.

So I guess I’ll take this opportunity to do some Reality Testing, right here and right now.  That is, dear reader, feel free to leave me a comment on this post, answering these questions:  When you are ill, does it affect how you feel about yourself?  Does your self esteem — your sense of how worthy you are — get affected?  If so, how?

Well, I think that’s another first for me, in This Year of Blogging Daily — asking for a response from my readers, in a specific way.  I enjoyed asking, I have to say.

And it occurs to me, at this moment, to write this:  If this blog is more — how shall I say it? — discursive? rambling? spacey? — than usual (and I know it is) what do you want from me?  I’M SICK!

And it’s super early in the morning, too.

So, yes, it’s super early in the morning.   I woke up at 3:30 AM, a little while ago, and my throat was hurting.

And that leads me to the second “challenge” I named in the title of this blog.

Mistakes.

When I woke up at 3:30 AM, and realized that my throat felt worse, I believed that I had made a mistake yesterday.  And here were some thoughts that ensued:

Oh, no!  My throat feels worse!  I shouldn’t have gone outside yesterday for a walk!  What is the matter with you?  Even though you felt a lot better yesterday, you should have known better than to start doing things that early!  If you had stayed in bed all day yesterday, you would be feeling better now. You’ve probably screwed things up for this week, too. And you have so much to do at work and so many other things to take care of!

Wow.  That was actually kind of amazing to get those out of my head and into this post.  A little harrowing, actually, but helpful.

So, those are the kind of Judgmental Thoughts that can come up for me, when I believe that I’ve made a mistake.  And I know I’m not alone with THAT ONE.  I hear about people’s self-judgment when they believe they’ve made a mistake, a lot.  (And I’ll write about that more, in a future post, for sure.)

But here’s the good news:  After I woke up and started having the thoughts described above, I noticed them and said this to myself:

Okay!  You’re having judgmental thoughts because you think you’ve made a mistake.

And that helped a lot, dear reader, just to notice that and to Name It.

And I got out of bed, got some orange juice, grabbed my laptop, and decided to write a post.

And I did!

I think I can go back to sleep now.

One more thing.  I’m going to make a commitment to myself — and to you, dear reader — right now. Even though, at some point in the near future, I might have the thought  that I made a mistake by writing this post (instead of trying harder to fall back asleep),  I will do the following:

Notice it, name it, and let it go, dammit!

Thanks, dear reader.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Day 16: Battling judgment (while planning a birthday party)

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Ann Koplow

This post relates to a lesson that I keep encountering these days.

When I’m working on creating or learning something,  which I haven’t quite figured out yet, and I’m disappointed in where I am, I have this thought:

This [thing I’m working on] sucks!

And, almost always, this is followed by this more vicious, shame-based thought:

And you suck for not figuring it out yet!

Unfortunately, sometimes the above gets abbreviated to:

You suck!

Arrrrgh.

Lately, I’ve been noticing, over and over again, that after the You Suck! phase,  I actually come out the other end with some good ideas. That is, once I start to feel better, I come up with several new solutions that often solve the problems I’ve been encountering up until then.

Do I think the You Suck! Step is necessary?  No, I don’t.  However, it does seem to be a signal that something’s not working and needs my attention.

Believe me, I would love to skip the You Suck! Step. I haven’t quite managed that yet, but I have been making a lot of progress in getting off that step — and moving on — a LOT more quickly these days. Thank goodness.

One thing that is helping is the phrase (which I believe i mentioned in a previous post): “It’s good enough already, AND I can make it better.”

Of course, when I’m in the “I suck!” phase, I don’t believe that sweet and helpful phrase. But perhaps using that mantra, whenever I think of it, is helping me inoculate myself.  And maybe that’s one of the reasons I’m moving through that step more quickly.

I want to give you an example of this process, which is on my mind, because I lived it this morning, between 5:30 and 6:30 AM.  Yes, I did.

Here’s the deal: I am planning somebody’s 60th birthday party.  And I’d like it to be a meaningful AND fun event, for the birthday girl and also for the participants.

I searched on-line for ideas, and I didn’t find anything that was particularly helpful.

So I’ve been working on the idea of Story-Telling, and how to create a space where people can share memories in a way that feels comfortable.

I’ve checked out this concept with people, and several of them have cautioned about the dangers of this, pointing out that this kind of party might seem awkward or forced, and that people might feel anxious or on the spot.

Here’s where I was at 5:30 AM this morning:  I had been working on the idea of designating a time during the party when people could gather around and share memories, tell stories, or say whatever they wanted to say. I was going to try to make this easier by having “prompts” available to suggest ideas for stories, if they hadn’t thought of one ahead of time.  For example, these prompts might include “Tell a story where you and the birthday girl had an adventure.” Or “If you were going to spend a whole day with her, what might you do?”  Or “If she appeared to you in a dream, what might she signify?” (I’ve facilitated going-away events at places I’ve worked, and I’ve used these sort of prompts to help in the process of people expressing appreciation and saying goodbye to the person who’s leaving.)

Anyway, at 5:30 this morning, I wasn’t liking this plan very much.  I was imagining all the different attendees at the party — many of whom don’t know each other — with all their different interpersonal styles. And I could see, very clearly, that this activity might be …. awkward or forced, and that people might feel anxious or on the spot.

And then the “This sucks!” and “You suck!” thoughts came in for a little while.

But then, about a half hour later, I started to have more ideas.  I thought: What if I set up a sort of  Meaningful-Birthday Amusement Park throughout the party and give people more room and choices to say what they’d like to say to the birthday girl?  What if I have a room set up where people (who might be more introverted) could use a computer to record a message (which might be a story, or anything they chose) and to look at the other messages recorded?  And what if there were places to write down stories and share them?  And I also remembered these cool magic wands, that make noise when you wave them, that I had seen at a toy store.  What if there were a bunch of those around, and at any point in the party, somebody could grab one of these, wave it, get people’s attention, and make a wish for the birthday girl?  (Sort of the equivalent of tapping a glass to propose a toast.)

Anyway, I just kept coming up with more ideas to integrate the meaningful stuff throughout the party, and it started to seem like an evening that might be fun for a wide range of different types of people.

By 6:30, I was no longer feeling nervous and insecure about the party.  All thoughts of “This sucks!” and “You suck!” were gone. I was actually looking forward to planning the party AND attending it.  The pressure was off.

Now, did I have to come up with all these ideas to make this party work?  Probably not.  The party probably would have been good enough, as it was.

But I think it’s going to be more fun for all, now.  And I’ve been telling people about these ideas and — so far — the advance reviews have been good.

I’ll tell you how it turns out, dear reader.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll skip the “You suck!” step next time.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Day 14: The sounds of silence (and how we respond)

Posted on January 14, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I’ve been thinking about silence lately.  Specifically, I’ve been thinking about how people react to silence – how it “speaks” to them (interesting word).

I’m thinking about how we can fill in silences with all sorts of thoughts and assumptions.

I’m not thinking about the silence that exists when we’re alone. I’m thinking about the silence in response to an attempt to connect.  That is, interpersonal silence.

As a group therapist, I’ve witnessed and observed lots of people’s reactions to interpersonal silence. In a group, there might be a lull, a stretch of time were nobody says anything.  Often, somebody will fill in that silence,  perhaps out of discomfort and anxiety.  Sometimes, the group therapist has to fight the feeling that the silence means that the group isn’t a “good” one. (This is something I’ve worked on, and now I actually like silences, because interesting things often come out of them.)

Often in a group, somebody will share something intimate, risky, or important, and nobody will say anything.  Or somebody might change the subject, almost immediately.

I’ve seen all sorts of people – in and out of therapy groups — react similarly when they say something that feels important and then don’t seem to get a response.  They may know, intellectually, that silence can mean many different things. They may know that the silence might indicate that people are thinking and even very much affected by what they’ve heard. They may know that silence might mean that people didn’t know what to say (or what they were expected to say).

Even so, speaking without a response often causes something really painful.

Shame.

And that’s not surprising, since humans react that way, almost from birth. It’s been said that infants are “hard-wired” to have a shame response, which is triggered when a baby actively tries to make eye contact with the mother (or other primary caregiver) and they get an inattentive or disinterested response. The baby’s response looks like adult shame – head drooping, eyes down-cast, face turned away.

So when we try to connect with others and we don’t get a response within a certain amount of time, sometimes we’re going to feel bad about that. It’s natural to fill that silence in with all sorts of assumptions.

But feeling shame doesn’t necessarily mean that the situation is as bad as we fear. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, another common distortion is Emotional Thinking. Emotional Thinking is, in a nutshell, the following:

I feel it, therefore it’s true.

For example, “I feel hopeless, therefore there’s no hope” or “I feel inadequate, so therefore there must be something wrong with me” or “I feel shame, so therefore people must be rejecting me.”

I think it’s important to be aware of how hard-wired we are to feel shame when we reach out and don’t get a response, and to be open to other possibilities: that the other person is busy, for example.  I’m not saying we won’t get rejected sometimes, but maybe we’re not being rejected as often as we fear.

And it’s important to remember that even when we feel shame, we still matter.

I’ve heard guilt vs. shame defined this way:

Guilt is feeling like you’ve done something wrong.

Shame is feeling like YOU are wrong.

That’s such a painful difference, dear reader.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

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