Posts Tagged With: stories

Day 86: Dear Readers, Non-Readers, and Everybody In Between

Posted on March 27, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I was trying to decide on a topic for my blog post today, and I was having a conversation about that with my bf. (BTW, I’m AAA  — Ambivalent About Abbreviations —  but I prefer “bf” to “boyfriend.”) In the course of that conversation, I asked him if he had been reading this blog lately.  He said he hadn’t read any posts recently.

And there are other people in my life who rarely read these posts.

I have to admit to you, dear reader, that who reads this blog, how frequently or infrequently, does have an effect on me.

I work on losing my investment in the outcome of readership.  And I can often do that.

BUT ….

At the same time (probably like other bloggers), I also have this fantasy of people waiting for every post and DEVOURING EVERY WORD.

And I do have some readers who actually come close to fulfilling that fantasy of mine. And I feel incredibly lucky and flattered about that.

But, here’s the deal.  The NOT reading feels more powerful — more important — than the reading.

The Negative sticks. It can seem more powerful than the positive.

During the first month of this Year of Blogging Daily, I considered writing a post titled “My Boyfriend Doesn’t Read My Blog.” I thought that was a catchy title. (And I was also wondering how long it would take him to see it.)

I didn’t write the post, though, because the title was … not true.  He does read it.  Sometimes he reads several days in a row.

But look at how I re-cast that  balanced story in my head, to accentuate the negative. I made it all-or-nothing:  “My boyfriend doesn’t read my blog.”

Because the negative is more powerful.

When people aren’t reading my blog posts,  here are some negative thoughts that can rush in:

They don’t like my writing!  If I was a better writer, they would be reading more frequently!

And if The Somebody Who Is Not Reading is somebody close to me,  those negative thoughts aren’t just rushing in, they’re carrying extra luggage:

The people who know me best don’t find me interesting.

OR

If people really cared about me, they would want to read my blog.

Ouch.

Those negative thoughts all involve the cognitive distortion of mind reading.  So, to challenge that, I need to go to the experts on that experience — the experience of not always reading my blog.

Those people who are close to me tell the story differently. And when I let that story in (instead of my fear-based, self-judgmental story), I hear things like this:

Those posts are good, they’re well-written, but you know what?  I’d rather hear those thoughts from you in person.

I like that story better. I hope I can remember it (especially when those pesky, matched-luggage-carrying thoughts are trying to rush in).

Thanks for reading (whenever you do).

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Day 70: Questions and Answers (and The Liebster Blog Award)

Posted on March 11, 2013 by Ann Koplow

First question of this post:  What is the Liebster  Blog Award?

First answer of this post: It is, apparently, a kind of tag-team award that WordPress bloggers give each other.  Last week, frankiedman, a blogger whom I respect and follow here,  tagged me for this award.

Here are the “rules of engagement” for the Liebster Blog Award:

  1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
  2. Answer the questions that the tagger has set for you plus create 11 questions for the people you’ve tagged to answer.
  3. Choose 11 people and link them in your post.
  4. Go to their page and tell them.
  5. No tag backs!

It took me about a week to respond back to frankiedman’s tag, but today’s the day!

I’m glad to participate in this (despite my I’ve-never-done-this-before anxiety).  The format appeals to my natural affinity for questions and answers.

I enjoy games that involve questions and answers.  As a matter of fact, I will take any opportunity to turn a regular conversation into a game of 20 Questions, by asking  the following question at any point:

“Wanna guess?”

As in, “Hey, something really unusual happened to me today.  Wanna guess?”

When I’m at my best at my job (as a psychotherapist), I’m in touch with my natural curiosity about people.

The last place I worked (before my current job)  was a day program where we did groups all day.  In the last group of the day — which was called “Wrap Up” —  we would end that group with a Wrap Up Question, which everybody — staff and clients — answered.

Here are some of the Wrap Up questions I heard and answered during my 12 years there:

  1. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?
  2. If you were to write the story of your life, what might be the title?
  3. What’s a nickname you’ve had or one that you would give yourself?
  4. What was your favorite book, when you were a kid?
  5. If they made a movie of your life, what actor would you choose to play you?
  6. What’s your fantasy job?
  7. Who is your favorite musician?
  8. Who is somebody you admire?
  9. What’s your favorite movie?
  10. What’s a song you’d choose for your “theme song”?
  11. If you could be any animal for a day, what would you be (and why)? 

When I first interviewed for a job at that day program, I liked a lot of what I saw.  Attending the Wrap Up meeting sealed the deal for me — I knew I wanted to work there. Why? Because I loved the curiosity and playfulness in that ritual of questions at the end of the day.  I appreciated that everybody answered the questions. I liked that anybody could pose the question.  I loved the questions. I loved the answers.

So thank you, Frankiedman, for nominating me for this award, and inviting me to participate in a Festival of questions and answers.

For the 11 things to reveal about myself, I’m going to answer those Wrap Up questions I posted above.

  1. My favorite ice cream flavor is Cinnamon Chocolate Chip.
  2. The title for a book about my life?  Perhaps “I’m Making This Up As I Go,”  (a line from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”).
  3. I never had a nick-name.  People have called me “Annie,” every once in a while, but that doesn’t fit for me.  I like the idea of the nick-name “Ace.”
  4. My favorite book when I was a kid was “Charlotte’s Web.”
  5. I would choose the actress Debra Winger to play me.
  6. My fantasy job is back-up singer for a musician I love (although my current job is getting close to a fantasy job).
  7. My favorite musician is Pat Metheny, the jazz guitarist.
  8. Somebody I admire is my son.
  9. My favorite movie is the Gene Kelly musical “Singin’ in the Rain.”
  10. The theme song I’d choose today is “I Can See Clearly Now.”
  11. If I could be any animal for a day, I would choose to be a duck, because a duck can fly in the air, walk on land, and swim in the water (and it can quack).

I will now answer the 11 questions that Frankiedman asked when he nominated people:

  1. What’s your favorite food?

Pasta!

  1. Why did you start blogging?

Because I was working on a book that was a combination of a Memoir and Therapy Ideas, and a friend suggested that I try blogging.  And it’s a great fit for the way I like to communicate, with freedom, flexibility, and interactivity.

  1. Name one thing you would like to do before leaving this earth.

One long-standing one was to go to a Red Sox World Series game, which I did in 2007.   I want to travel to several places including Italy, Greece, and Peru (I’m fascinated by ancient ruins).

  1. Where do you live?

Massachusetts, USA.

  1. What time is it?

7:54 AM as I’m writing this line. It’s the Monday after a Daylight Savings time change.  I usually feel very cranky and “off” the Monday after a time change, but so far, so good.

  1. Whats the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?

A recipe I made once with beets and cheese. Never again.

  1. Whats your favorite childhood movie?

“West Side Story.”  (I don’t remember any kids movies I saw, and I remember loving that movie so much when I was a kid.)

  1. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because that was exactly where it was supposed to be.

  1. Are you having fun yet?

Absolutely

  1. Do you have pets?

I have a cat named Oscar.

  1. Whats your favorite animal?

Felines.

Here are 11 bloggers I enjoy reading here,  and whom I’m “tagging” to participate in this Liebster Award chain.  I’m asking them to answer the same 11 Wrap Up Questions I answered.

Welcome to my little teetotal world

http://thegirlinthehat.wordpress.com/

http://5kidswdisabilities.com/

http://morristownmemos.wordpress.com/  (she already has received this award, so she requested that I pass it on to a 12th blogger)

Berita Edukasi Hama

http://urbanwallart.wordpress.com/

http://binabrakken.wordpress.com/

http://corngoblin.wordpress.com/

http://gongjumonica.wordpress.com/

http://parentingandstuff.wordpress.com/

http://meganhasocd.com/

http://cristianmihai.net/about/

Thanks  to the bloggers above. And thanks for reading, everybody!  And feel free to answer any of these questions (or pose your own).

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Day 60: Why I’m not listening to the news these days

Posted on March 1, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I used to listen to the news on the radio.

I’ve stopped.

The stories on the news are boring. They’re repetitive.They’re polarized into black and white, with no interesting grays.

The stories on the news have poor character development. People seem simple, reduced to quick definitions. Any shadings seem suspect and facile, provided by others with agendas.

The stories on the news focus on catastrophes. They predict the future and speculate what others are thinking. I hear blaming, all the time. And comparisons. Labeling. Shoulds.  Negative filtering. (The News: a festival of cognitive distortions.)

I can’t listen to news stories any more. I can’t bear the emptiness I find there.

The stories on the news seem arid and soulless, especially compared to the stories I am hearing people tell these days. I get to hear stories that are full-bodied, nuanced, and complex. I am riveted. I believe these stories. I care how they turn out.

The stories I’m choosing to witness these days speak to me of hope, not dread or emptiness.  Whether I encounter them in person or on the blogosphere, these stories are about expansion, not restriction.

I wonder if I’ll ever listen to the news again?

Thanks for reading this story, today.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Day 57: My Team (Position, Mechanic)

Posted on February 26, 2013 by Ann Koplow

One of my favorite concepts from  Narrative Therapy is The Personal Team.  I love asking people questions about their team, like “Who is on your team?” “Is this person really on your team?”  “Who might you add to your team?”

The more conventional term for Personal Team is “support system,” defined by  Merriam-Webster as “a network of people who provide an individual with practical or emotional support.”

I am happy to report that I’ve got a great Mechanic on my team these days.  For a long time, I’ve believed that Mechanic is one of THE critical team positions (if you have a car).  (Another critical team position —  for me — is Hair Stylist, but that’s another topic.)

Here’s my Mechanic:

IMG_0507

This is Mark Jamieson. I first drove into his establishment — P & M Service Center, in Belmont —  about a year ago, looking for a new mechanic. When I first talked to Mark, my Trust Indicators all came up green.  And all my dealings with Mark and his service station have been consistently positive since.

Yesterday, after he did my yearly automobile inspection, I asked Mark if I could put him in this blog. He then told me some great stories, some of which I’ll include here.

When Mark was 12, he decided he wanted to start a business fixing lawn mowers, because he enjoyed doing mechanical things like that.  He asked his father (whom Mark describes as  “not mechanical at all”) to lend him $2 so he could advertise his lawn-mower repair abilities in the local paper.   And he got responses, really quickly.

Mark’s first customer — whom he remembers vividly —  asked Mark how much he would charge to fix his lawn mower. Mark, who hadn’t thought about money at all, took a wild guess and said, “50 cents?”  The customer replied, “No!  You have to charge more! You have to charge what your services are worth!” That customer suggested that Mark  charge $2, so he was able to pay his father back the loan immediately.

Very soon, lots of lawn mowers — and snow blowers, too — showed up on Mark’s front lawn. Mark fixed lots of lawn mowers and snow blowers  for a whole year (until his mother had had it with the mowers and blowers parked on the lawn).

When Mark was 19, on 12/1/1978, he bought the service establishment which is now P & M — where I happily bring my car.

As Mark told me stories about his work history, what kept coming through were lots of qualities I admire, including his continuing interest and pride in his work,  as well as an adherence to personal and professional values.

For example, Mark told me that he can tell, very quickly, when he meets a new customer, whether this is going to be a good match.  In Mark’s words, “everybody has to be comfortable.”  And if there isn’t that mutual comfort and satisfaction with the business relationship,  Mark says, “I don’t need everybody’s business.”  If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. (I told Mark I could relate to what he was saying.)

Before I left, Mark wanted to tell me this last story:

When Mark was  19 — his first year owning the service station — a new customer brought in a 1974 Ford Maverick. The Maverick owner told Mark that the car wouldn’t start and that it obviously needed a new starter. When Mark started to explain to this customer his usual plan — to check out the car and diagnose what was wrong with it — the guy got irate and said, “Hey!  I know what it needs!  The starter is broken!  Just do what I’m telling you and put in a new one!”   So Mark and his team put in a new starter, just as this guy had insisted. When this guy returned to pick up his car and tried to start the car, nothing happened.  The guy was very angry.  Mark told him, “Yes. It won’t start. That’s because you wouldn’t let us find out what was wrong with it  and fix it.”

I loved the way Mark told this story; I only hope I captured a flavor of how much fun he had telling me this.

Mark also told me yesterday, “I’m not a big Internet user”, but he knew that there was a website online where people shared opinions about service stations. He said, “We’ve won best service station for this area,”  which he hears about through new customers. And after I first met Mark, last year, I checked out my intuition about him and his service station on the internet and — indeed — the reviews were excellent.

Mark also has people working for him who are all helpful  and a pleasure to deal with. Here’s one of them:

IMG_0508

This is Tom. He helped me find my cell phone last week, with a lot of good humor.  (I had actually dropped it outside the service station, on a day when I was pretty sleep-deprived.)

Tom is more of an internet user than Mark, and he told me he’d be able to find this blog, easy.  Mark asked me to e-mail him the link so he could check it out. Actually, I’m going to drop by tomorrow, on my way to work, and show this post to Mark, to make sure I got the stories right. (I really value people’s stories and want to make sure I tell them correctly.)

Thanks for reading these stories today. And, dear reader,  I hope you have a good mechanic — and other good players — on your team.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Day 31: The Effect of Attention

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Ann Koplow

So I chose — soon after I woke up this morning — the topic I wanted to attempt today.  Soon after I made that decision, I wrote out the title “The Effect of Attention” and  I thought — Whoa!  That’s a huge topic. So I may just skirt the surface of this interesting topic today. We’ll see.

The inspiration to write about The Effect of Attention came from some aspects of the groups I’ve started at the hospital where I work. I wrote about these groups  in this blog, on Day 13, as follows:

Here’s how these groups are different. People, once they are oriented  to the structure and guidelines of the group, can attend when and how often they choose.  If you were attending these groups, you would never know for sure who was going to be there when you showed up — you might know some people but other ones would probably be new.  And, you’d have control over when and how often you attend. You could come once a week, once a month, whenever you wanted. You could book  a space way ahead, decide to come spontaneously (if space was available), and cancel if you couldn’t make it.

(Hey! There’s another first! That is, I just quoted myself for the first time, here in the Blog of Living Non-Judgmentally.)

Anyway, so once people are signed up for these groups, they can attend as they please.  And that means that at any particular group meeting, there may be lots of people and there may be very few people, or somewhere in the middle.  And I’m just getting these groups going, so — inevitably — for some sessions, nobody may show up. Or ONE person may show up.  And people may argue that one person is NOT a group, but, in order to keep the benefits of flexible scheduling, I need to allow for that possibility.

So this is the way I have dealt with all this. I make  it clear to interested group participants — before they get into the group —  how the attendance will vary. I assure them that the group is designed to work, no matter how many people show.  And if one person shows up, that person will get a personal training session.  (Sometimes I feel like I’m doing an infomercial when I’m talking about the groups. “No matter who shows up, satisfaction guaranteed!  Wait, there’s still more!  Act now and you might get THIS VALUABLE BONUS  — 90-minutes of PERSONAL TRAINING with fabulous group therapists!”)

Anyway, this group model has been working well enough.  However, I recognize that the number of people that show up to a session has an effect on the group members. For example, if very few people show up for a group, thoughts like these may very well occur to people:

Geesh!  What the hell is going on here?  Does the number of people here mean that something I said in a previous session made everybody stay away?  OR does this mean that our group leader SUCKS?  Eeeek!

And what if  lots of people show up?  If the number of group members seems like TOO MANY for a group (according to somebody’s personal judgment), these thoughts might occur:

Geesh!    What the hell is going on here? Does that mean I won’t get a chance to talk?  And with all these people, chances are greater that somebody is NOT going to like me (or I won’t like them)!! Eeeek!

(For those of you who are reading this blog regularly, if you noticed the distortion of mind-reading above, you get Bonus Points!  However, as people often point out to me, sometimes our guesses about what other people are thinking might have validity.  The antidote to mind-reading is reality testing, something I like to do, a lot.)

So, now, at this point in this post,  I would like to circle back  to the title of this blog: The Effects of Attention.

If  somebody shows up for the group by themselves, they are going to get a hell of a lot more attention than if there are 12 other people in the room.

And I think we all have different levels of comfort with the amount of attention we receive. I’ve noticed that some of us are more self-conscious than others, and would do ANYTHING to avoid a lot of attention.    And I’ve noticed — on the other end of that scale — that some of us LOVE attention. The more, the better.

I think I go up and down on that Attention Reaction Scale, depending upon a lot of things, including (1) my comfort with myself, (2) how deserving I feel of the attention, and many other factors. (See, I KNEW this was a big topic!)

And I’ll share with you a memory I had about this issue of attention, when I decided to write about this topic today.  This memory came up because only one person did show up for a group yesterday, and I’m not sure how many will show tonight. (It looks like two people, so far, but because people can schedule until the last minute, so it may be more. Or even much more.)

Anyway, here’s the memory.  About three years ago, I signed up for a 6-week yoga class that was offered for the staff at the mental health clinic where I was working. Now, I’ve never done yoga.  And I have these judgments about myself, regarding my extreme lack of natural ability to engage successfully in Physical Exercise Classes of any kind. (These judgments might be related to my experience growing up. Because of my heart issues then, I did not take gym the entire time I was in school. And, as far as I heard from everybody else in my school, people thought I had Won The Luck Lottery, getting out of gym that way. But this had an effect, I’m sure. )

So the first time I went to the Yoga Class, I definitely had moments where I felt completely incompetent and self-conscious,  because I just could not follow the Yoga Teacher’s instructions. And I compared myself to everybody else in that class, who all seemed to be doing it perfectly, as if I had missed a previously scheduled Dress Rehearsal on how to do the class. Yes, I remember feeling pretty awful at some points during that first class.  And I didn’t want to go back.

I think I did go back several times and — again — I felt like I had missed the Dress Rehearsal for that class. When I tried to do the Dog Pose,  everybody else looked like Pure-bred Golden Retrievers and I looked like a mangy mongrel.  Actually, I don’t think I even looked like a dog, or any other living, breathing animal.  I think I looked like an illustration of How Not to Do Yoga.  (Well, what can I say? This happened  three years before The Year of Living Non-Judgmentally.)

And I’m now approaching the end (and the point) of this story.  I went to the last session of that 6-week yoga class, feeling kind of dejected and fearing the amount of shame I might feel that night. And I was the only one who showed up. And I had lots of thoughts, like, “Geesh! What does this mean?  Does this mean other people don’t like this teacher? I don’t think so, but how is this going to effect the teacher?  Is she going to take it personally? And how is that going to affect her tonight?”  But while these thoughts were coming up, I also knew that a lot of the staff where I worked were dealing with lots of deadlines.  And who knows what else might have been keeping people away?  (Now that I think of it, I see this all the time:  some people tend to avoid the last meeting of anything).

So, anyway, I remember consciously trying to let go of the anxiety I was feeling about being there, just me, with ALL of the Yoga Teacher’s Attention. And here’s the punchline:  It was a wonderful experience.  I got a lot out of it.  I remember feeling safe enough with her that I got in touch with some old shame about my physical capabilities. And I cried. And I did the dog pose. And I looked enough like an actual mammal, if not a dog. And I felt fine and accepting of exactly where I was, Yoga-wise.

Wow, this was a long post, wasn’t it?  I should warn you, dear reader:  Thursday’s posts are probably likely to be longer, because I can go in to work a little bit later.  I can go in later,  because I stay late, running a group.

Gee!  I wonder how many people will show up tonight?

Thanks for reading.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Day 26: What we can and cannot change

Posted on January 26, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I expect that I’ll be posting on this topic throughout the year.  It’s a biggie, isn’t it?

Often when this really important issue comes up, I’ll say, “You know …. it’s the serenity prayer.”  I said that at a group session last week and everybody nodded. Then somebody asked me, “Exactly how does the serenity prayer go again?”  After I bumbled around for a little while (still spacier than usual because I was SICK, people), tossing words out like “control” “wisdom” “difference” “patience” —  I gave up, left the group room, went back to my office (just down the hallway), and got the notebook where I write down things that help and things that don’t help.  I knew I had written down the serenity prayer under “Things that Help” because …. it helps.

After I returned to the group, I read aloud what I had written in my notebook:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  

Man, that just blows my mind — how simple and profound that is.  I think I have trouble remembering it because it seems so …. perfect.  When I try to quote it from memory (and my memory can be so imperfect), I just want to stop trying to approximate it, and get to the Real Deal.

As we ended up discussing in the group that night, Part 3 of that Perfect Prayer is  REALLY tricky.  “The wisdom to know the difference.”  I don’t think I’ll ever reach and stay at THAT level of wisdom. I mean, I don’t think I’ll every attain a Personal Development Nirvana, where I’ll immediately know, in the moment, what I can change and what I can’t change. It seems like those are lessons I have to keep learning, again and again.

And even when I name “guidelines” about what we can and can’t change, I have to keep re-learning those, too.

For example, here’s something I often name as “something we can’t change.”

Other people.

Realizing that, over and over again, does seem to help. Now, that doesn’t mean losing faith in other people’s ability to change.  Geesh, if I didn’t believe in THAT, I couldn’t do the work I do.   And I’m not saying that we don’t have an effect on each other.

(Wow, this IS tricky.)

But we can’t make other people change, as much as we might (1) yearn for that change, (2) think we need that change,  and (3) believe they need that change.

This brings to mind another profound, ancient piece of wisdom:

Q:  How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.

Yep.

Just some final thoughts before I end today’s post.  Acceptance of where other people are — and letting go of that need for other people to change — seems to help. That doesn’t mean tolerating a bad situation and letting go of your own needs.  It also really helps to clearly state the effect that other people’s behavior has on you, and to express your needs and wishes, and even name consequences, at times.  (I’ll write about “I-statements” in a future post, I’m sure, which is a handy-dandy prescription for more effective interpersonal communication.)

But, what other people think and do? Not in my realm of control.

And I’m still working on the wisdom to know THAT difference.  Like right now, writing this.

Thanks, dear reader.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Day 25: I’m having trouble writing a post today.

Posted on January 25, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Well, I guess it was inevitable.

I started a post this morning, all gung-ho, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 6:30 AM.  The title of the post was “The Rules of Self-Disclosure.”  It was something I wanted to write about this morning because I took a risk yesterday at the end of a big presentation at the hospital yesterday where I work. I was really excited and enthusiastic about that presentation — which was about an upcoming, in-process change at the hospital, where patients will be able to read all the notes doctors write about them. Afterwards, I really wanted to  talk to the presenters, to express my enthusiasm and support for the new process and volunteer to be involved, but I felt too shy, and left the meeting. However, after I left, I almost immediately turned around and came back. And when I came back, my manager was talking to the presenters.  He introduced me, and I spoke my piece. In the process of expressing my enthusiasm, I did some self-disclosure — I told them that I had been a patient all my life, and that I was incredibly moved by how respectful I thought this change was.

I think that whole interaction went fine, and my manager, afterwards, told me how glad he was that I had come back to talk to the presenters.  And I was glad, too. But i noticed that I felt some anxiety the rest of the day, wondering whether I had said too much.

Anyway, I started writing about this topic this morning, but in a very different way. I started out by defining the use of the term “self-disclosure” and what that meant in therapy — how therapists decide what to reveal and what not to reveal about themselves when working with clients.  Soon, it was time for me to leave for work, and I hadn’t gotten to the piece I really wanted to say yet.  Then, I had a long tiring day at work, and when I came home, I looked at what I had written, wasn’t sure what to do with it, and then went out to dinner.  Then, when I got home from dinner, I looked at it again.

And I really didn’t like it.  And I felt too tired to rewrite it.

So then, I figured I would forget this post, “steal” some stuff from what I’d written for my book, and post that.  But when I looked at the chapters for my book, I didn’t like anything there, either.

Now, this is something that seems to happen to me.  I write something, feel okay about it, read it later, and …. I think it sucks.

It’s like some sort of switch gets pulled and if I read ANYTHING I’ve written before,  I don’t like it.

So that was happening tonight.  Great.  So the time was going by, and I had no post.  And then I started to feel the pressure of the deadline.  And then I started thinking that I might not be able to post something today.

And that made me realize that I DO want to post every day.  I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep this up, but I’d like to.

So I figured I would write about what was going on in the moment.  And, in the process, I quickly told that part of the story from yesterday that I really wanted to tell about self-disclosure.

So now …. here’s where the rubber meets the road.  I’ve typed this post really quickly, trying to ignore and let go of my very active Inner Critic.

But NOW I’ve got to re-read this before I post it — at least for typos, for heaven’s sake.  And what if that critical switch is still in effect?  If it is, I’m gonna dislike this, too. Probably intensely.  And if  that happens, what’s going to win out?  My wish to rewrite, my tiredness from work, or my wish to post every day?  Because here are my choices, people: (1) I can post something I dislike, (2) rewrite it until it’s good enough (although if The Critic is in full force, that’s going to be really tough), or (3) post nothing at all.

Okay, I’m going to go back and re-read.

Okay, I did.

And I’ve made my decision.

Thanks for reading, as always.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Day 16: Battling judgment (while planning a birthday party)

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Ann Koplow

This post relates to a lesson that I keep encountering these days.

When I’m working on creating or learning something,  which I haven’t quite figured out yet, and I’m disappointed in where I am, I have this thought:

This [thing I’m working on] sucks!

And, almost always, this is followed by this more vicious, shame-based thought:

And you suck for not figuring it out yet!

Unfortunately, sometimes the above gets abbreviated to:

You suck!

Arrrrgh.

Lately, I’ve been noticing, over and over again, that after the You Suck! phase,  I actually come out the other end with some good ideas. That is, once I start to feel better, I come up with several new solutions that often solve the problems I’ve been encountering up until then.

Do I think the You Suck! Step is necessary?  No, I don’t.  However, it does seem to be a signal that something’s not working and needs my attention.

Believe me, I would love to skip the You Suck! Step. I haven’t quite managed that yet, but I have been making a lot of progress in getting off that step — and moving on — a LOT more quickly these days. Thank goodness.

One thing that is helping is the phrase (which I believe i mentioned in a previous post): “It’s good enough already, AND I can make it better.”

Of course, when I’m in the “I suck!” phase, I don’t believe that sweet and helpful phrase. But perhaps using that mantra, whenever I think of it, is helping me inoculate myself.  And maybe that’s one of the reasons I’m moving through that step more quickly.

I want to give you an example of this process, which is on my mind, because I lived it this morning, between 5:30 and 6:30 AM.  Yes, I did.

Here’s the deal: I am planning somebody’s 60th birthday party.  And I’d like it to be a meaningful AND fun event, for the birthday girl and also for the participants.

I searched on-line for ideas, and I didn’t find anything that was particularly helpful.

So I’ve been working on the idea of Story-Telling, and how to create a space where people can share memories in a way that feels comfortable.

I’ve checked out this concept with people, and several of them have cautioned about the dangers of this, pointing out that this kind of party might seem awkward or forced, and that people might feel anxious or on the spot.

Here’s where I was at 5:30 AM this morning:  I had been working on the idea of designating a time during the party when people could gather around and share memories, tell stories, or say whatever they wanted to say. I was going to try to make this easier by having “prompts” available to suggest ideas for stories, if they hadn’t thought of one ahead of time.  For example, these prompts might include “Tell a story where you and the birthday girl had an adventure.” Or “If you were going to spend a whole day with her, what might you do?”  Or “If she appeared to you in a dream, what might she signify?” (I’ve facilitated going-away events at places I’ve worked, and I’ve used these sort of prompts to help in the process of people expressing appreciation and saying goodbye to the person who’s leaving.)

Anyway, at 5:30 this morning, I wasn’t liking this plan very much.  I was imagining all the different attendees at the party — many of whom don’t know each other — with all their different interpersonal styles. And I could see, very clearly, that this activity might be …. awkward or forced, and that people might feel anxious or on the spot.

And then the “This sucks!” and “You suck!” thoughts came in for a little while.

But then, about a half hour later, I started to have more ideas.  I thought: What if I set up a sort of  Meaningful-Birthday Amusement Park throughout the party and give people more room and choices to say what they’d like to say to the birthday girl?  What if I have a room set up where people (who might be more introverted) could use a computer to record a message (which might be a story, or anything they chose) and to look at the other messages recorded?  And what if there were places to write down stories and share them?  And I also remembered these cool magic wands, that make noise when you wave them, that I had seen at a toy store.  What if there were a bunch of those around, and at any point in the party, somebody could grab one of these, wave it, get people’s attention, and make a wish for the birthday girl?  (Sort of the equivalent of tapping a glass to propose a toast.)

Anyway, I just kept coming up with more ideas to integrate the meaningful stuff throughout the party, and it started to seem like an evening that might be fun for a wide range of different types of people.

By 6:30, I was no longer feeling nervous and insecure about the party.  All thoughts of “This sucks!” and “You suck!” were gone. I was actually looking forward to planning the party AND attending it.  The pressure was off.

Now, did I have to come up with all these ideas to make this party work?  Probably not.  The party probably would have been good enough, as it was.

But I think it’s going to be more fun for all, now.  And I’ve been telling people about these ideas and — so far — the advance reviews have been good.

I’ll tell you how it turns out, dear reader.

And maybe, just maybe, I’ll skip the “You suck!” step next time.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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