Posts Tagged With: shoulds

Day 88: Asking questions

Posted on March 29, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I know I’ve written a previous post on how much I love asking questions and hearing answers. I guess that’s a good quality for me to have, considering that I’ve ended up (after several career twists and turns) as a group and individual therapist.

Other people have noticed this quality of mine. An old partner of mine used to quote a “Saturday Night Live” skit, in reference to me. I can’t find it on YouTube, but here’s what I remember about it. A guy and a woman are out on a first date, and she is peppering him with questions. At some point, he (I think it was Chevy Chase, so it’s REALLY OLD SNL) says to her (trying to disguise some annoyance):

“You’re so ……. inquisitive.”

A Jackie Chan Digression

In the 1990s, some friends and I got into Jackie Chan’s Hong Kong movies. They are SO great, BTW, and very different from his American movies.

Here’s a YouTube link to an 80’s TV show, “Son of the Incredibly Strange Film Show,” with Jonathan Ross, centering on Jackie, which gives you some idea of what those movies are like:

Jonathan Ross show about Jackie Chan

My friends and I REALLY enjoyed watching those movies. I’m talking Obsession, for some of us. And it was not easy to see these films, because Jackie was not famous in the U.S. then, and his films were not that available. (It was much less of an Instant Gratification Media World in the 90’s.) But the Brattle Cinema, in Cambridge

would periodically run festivals of these amazing Hong Kong-made Jackie Chan films, like “Project A,” “Project A Part II,” “Police Story,” “Police Story 2,” “City Hunter,” “Dragons Forever,” “Drunken Master,” “Super Cop”, and more.

At my birthday party earlier this year, where people shared stories and memories, several of the stories were about how much fun people had going to these Brattle Cinema festivals. We remembered how each of us had Dragon Names, which we had chosen for ourselves.

I shall now briefly explain “Dragon Name”:

Jackie Chan’s Chinese name (his “stage name” essentially) is

成龍

where the first character means “adult” or “developing” or “mature” and the second character means “dragon.” (Bruce Lee’s Chinese Name was “Little Dragon.”) So the members of this Jackie Chan-loving group of mine chose Dragon Names for themselves, which included (1) A descriptive adjective + (2) The word “Dragon.”

The Point of The Jackie Chan Digression

My dragon name was “The Inquisitive Dragon.”

So, inquisitiveness — asking questions — is definitely a quality of mine. This is observed by others and valued by me.

However, some questions are easier for me to ask than others.

What are the easier ones? Questions that reflect my curiosity and interest in other people.

Which questions are harder to ask?

Questions where there is a “power differential.” For example, asking management at work for something. Or, when I’m a patient, asking doctors questions, which are sometimes challenging. (I’ve worked really hard at the latter, my whole life, and I’m pretty good at it.) (I hear that from my doctors, actually.)
Questions where I might hurt somebody’s feelings.
Questions where I am asking for something I need.
Questions where I am revealing that I don’t know something.

That last one in the list is rather ironic, isn’t it? Because what would be a better reason than to ask a question, than to learn something you don’t know?

However, I have to say that I do see other people, around me, hesitating to ask questions, perhaps for fear that it will reveal something They Think They Should Know Already.

I can only speak for myself. And I do know that I sometimes hesitate to ask questions out of fear — the fear of being seen as ignorant, stupid,or not listening.

Before I end this post, I feel obliged to point out that those fears involve the Cognitive Distortions of Mind Reading, Labeling, and Shoulds.

Why did I write this post today?

I realized there were some questions I was afraid to ask at work today. I need the answers, in order to do my job better.

I am now going out there, dear reader, and I’m going to Just Do It! (Just like Jackie Chan says, many times, in that TV show.)

How about you?

Categories: personal growth | Tags: City Hunter, cognitive distortions, Dragons Forever, Drunken Master, Hong Kong movies, Jackie Chan, Jonathan Ross, Police Story, Project A, shoulds, Son of the Incredibly Strange Film Show, Super Cop | 6 Comments

Day 44: The Daily Blog

Posted on February 13, 2013 by Ann Koplow

It’s 7 PM on Day 44 of the Year of Blogging Daily, and I have no idea what my topic is going to be. And I’m hungry. I want to have dinner soon, but I want to write this post before dinner. My big plans for after dinner? Watching some TV shows I DVR-ed while I was on my trip, which I’m REALLY looking forward to.

So I’d like to write a blog post, now. But about what?

I’ve had ideas for topics, popping up throughout the day, including:

Writing thank-you notes.
How to give yourself a great 60th birthday party.
Tips on traveling by yourself
Decisions, decisions
The 30-minute Blog
Irritating things

That last topic is an indication that I’m hungry.

I’m very much in touch — right now — with the reality that writing a daily blog does present this danger: that posting might turn into something that I SHOULD be doing. (If you want to read a previous post about SHOULDs, it’s right here.)

Writing a daily post might turn into a source of stress, another obligation. And an INESCAPABLE one. Oh, no! I just finished a post less than 24 hours ago, and NOW I HAVE TO DO ANOTHER ONE! Eeeeeeek!

If there’s something you need to do every day, I guess freaking out like that is always a possibility. But I think there ARE ways to let go of that stress.

For example, you can always — in the moment — get a sense of what might help you complete your task, balancing different priorities.

Sometimes, it really helps to name what those priorities are.

In this case, my priorities are:

Eat dinner.

That’s it.

Okay, that completes today’s post. Thanks for reading!

Categories: personal growth | Tags: blogging, communication, getting needs met, hunger, needs, opinion, Personal, shoulds, writing | 5 Comments

Day 27: This blog is good enough AND I can make it better.

Posted on January 27, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I’m glad I’ve chosen this for the Topic Du Jour, because I think I’m going to find this helpful (and maybe even fun!) to write about.

For one thing, I like thinking about the generalized version of this subject heading, which I’ve been using lately as a remedy or antidote, when I start to lapse into self-judgment:

It’s good enough already AND I can make it better.

What I like about this handy-dandy, helpful phrase is that it allows me to feel acceptance of where I am (regarding my learning curve at work, relationships, my abilities as a mother, where I live, a group I’m doing, etc.), despite my constant awareness of all the things I don’t know and could improve upon.

So that phrase definitely helps me.

It’s helping me right now!

Starting and writing this blog is a good example of how that phrase can help me hold (and honor) two things which may seem mutually exclusive: (1) acceptance of where I am and (2) my inherently lively self-judgmental voice, which wants me to do better (but which, in its zealousness, can make me feel worse).

At this point, I’d like to fill you in on some details about The Birth of This Blog. In December, after spending several months writing, more prolifically than I expected, chapters for a possible book (or two), I decided that it might be a good time to also start a blog. I had never written a blog before, but I liked the idea of another outlet for writing — and a way of writing that would be much more interactive than writing a book on my own. I also saw starting a blog as a way to support a current quest of mine: to let go of judgment (and to help others do the same). And the title of the blog came to me: The Year of Living Non-Judgmentally. I loved the idea of committing to that for the coming year, recognizing that Non-Judgment is a goal that I would never completely and consistently attain, but which striving toward could be very helpful. (I’m thinking about Calculus, which I actually hated in school, but which — if my memory serves me correctly — is all about approaching and getting closer to a point without actually ever reaching it.)

I wasn’t sure how often I would write in this blog, and I wasn’t sure when I would start it. The two possibilities for starting were: January 1, 2013, and February 2, 2013, which would be my 60th birthday. So, in December, I started a quick and dirty research of How To Blog, using my usual learning technique of asking people what they knew and what they would advise. A couple of people suggested WordPress as the site. And then I did a quick crash course, for myself, of how to get started blogging on WordPress. I spent a few hours looking at possible formats (called “themes” here), saw the “Adventure Journal” theme and loved the idea of this coming year as an adventure. (I also looked at the suggested photographs for the Adventure Journal and LOVED the picture of that camel, looking at the pyramids — a place I’ve always wanted to go, and haven’t been to yet.)

So, late in December, I decided upon the theme and felt like I knew enough to Take The Plunge. And I began writing this blog on January 1, 2013.

Now, I am 27 days into this journey, and have actually posted each day. I have also had a chance to look at other WordPress blogs.

So, right on schedule, I am having thoughts that fit into the Cognitive Distortion of ….

Comparisons.

Here is the definition of Comparisons, from a hand-out I use at work on Cognitive Distortions/Unhelpful Thoughts:

Comparisons.

We compare ourselves to others, with ourselves coming out short. For example, “I’m not as smart (or good, competent, good-looking, lovable, etc.) as that other person.” Or, we compare ourselves to how we think we should be, or how we’ve been before. We might think that comparisons help motivate us, but they usually make us feel worse.

So, yes, I am now reading other blog posts here, where I really enjoy the cleanness and simplicity of the posting themes. And lately, I have been comparing, to my disadvantage, the way my blog looks. My blog has an appearance chosen by a newbie, overwhelmed by all the choices here, who fell in love with the words “Adventure Journal” and a picture of an inscrutable camel staring at the pyramids.

Okay, if you’re interested in more details about the negative thoughts have come up for me lately about this blog — thoughts also heavily laden with the previously blogged-upon cognitive distortions of Mind-Reading and Should’s– feel free to dive into this italicized Pool of Judgment:

I don’t like the sans-serif type font that my blog theme uses. And I can’t seem to change it! When I used to work in marketing and advertising, I was a fanatic about using serif fonts in every piece of marketing literature I helped create –since studies showed that serif fonts were easier to read. Why did I choose this theme without more care about the type font that was available? People are probably having trouble reading this with that lousy type font. They’re also probably getting annoyed with the “gimmicks” of my posts! It’s bad enough I’ve chosen my own gimmicks — using the term “dear reader” and my tendency to Capitalize Important Concepts (which drives my son crazy) — but at least THOSE I CAN CHANGE IF I CHOOSE. What about those gimmicks I can’t control because it’s part of the Adventure Journal Theme ? Those ripped slips of paper that serve as my replies to comments, and so on! I bet those gimmicks are driving people crazy, and maybe even preventing some people from reading this blog! What was I thinking, choosing such a busy theme? Why didn’t I take more time to look at other people’s blogs, which look so modern, so clean, so easy to read?

Phew. I don’t know how that was to read, but — as always — it helps me to write down those dang judgmental thoughts — getting them out of my head.

I repeat, Phew!

I’m also noticing the focus on appearance — how this blog looks — in that pool of judgment. So I’m remembering, right now, times I’ve made other judgmental comparisons about appearances. That is, I’m remembering some painful times where I’ve compared how I look to a more popular ideal.

Hmmmm. That’s interesting.

So what I would like to do right now is to make some choices. I’m reaffirming my acceptance of appearances (mine and my blog) and hoping that people can get past any flaws –that I might see or fear — to the beauty they may be able to find for themselves.

Wow! I actually didn’t know this post was going to go THERE, dear reader.

Before I end this surprising post, I want to say a few more things: There are some important lessons for me learn about being a blogger, including how to refer to other posts I’ve written, in a way that meets Blog Etiquette. (I have googled that concept of Blog Etiquette, but I’m still confused and relatively clueless about rules and execution of same.) I would also like to learn how to list, on each blog post, the other blogs I’m following here, in order to share the wealth I’m experiencing as a reader.

But I’m reminding myself, right now, that I have time to learn what I need to, and I am happy — in the moment, now that I’ve written this post — with exactly where I am on the blogging journey. Because it’s good enough AND I can make it better.

Thanks for participating on this day of this adventure with me, dear reader.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: appearances, beauty, birthday, blogging, calculus, cognitive distortions, emotional memory, groups, insecurity, mind reading, shame, shoulds | 9 Comments

Day 5: What I SHOULD (and SHOULDN’T) be doing

Posted on January 5, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Here’s something else I like to rail about:

Should’s.

Another psychological epidemic that does not help, I passionately believe.

Examples of some recent Should thoughts for me: “I should write that second blog entry about Feeling Too Good, already.” “I shouldn’t have promised I’d write something the next day and then not followed through.”

Those are pretty mild Should’s, actually, causing manageable discomfort. I can shrug those off pretty easily. But here are examples of More Painful Should’s I Have Known (personally and witnessing in others):

I should have known better.

I should be at a different place in life.

I shouldn’t feel this way.

Painful.

Do you notice how Should’s are often about something we can’t change in the past? And do you notice how Should’s can be sticks we use to beat ourselves up, as a way to motivate ourselves to do something? If you use Should’s in that way, let me ask you this: do they work? And if they do “work” at times, what toll do they take? What effect do they have on you? Are there ways you might motivate yourself more gently, less overwhelmingly, less exhaustingly, more effectively?

A friend said the other day that he has just started noticing the Should’s in his thoughts, and, with some shock, he’s realizing how constantly they come up. He’s noticing an endless stream of these suckers running through his head: I should know this already, I should have gotten more done, I shouldn’t be doing that this way, should this, shouldn’t that, should should should ALL THE FRIGGIN’ TIME.

Like I said, a Psychological Epidemic.

Okay, so far in This Year of Living Non-Judgmentally, I think I’ve identified three Psychological Epidemics. (I’m now going to re-read my own posts and double-check this) (and increase the views but not the visitors, I’m newbie-ly guessing).

Yep! Here are the three I’ve identified so far: (1) Caring What Other People Think, (2) The Fear of Feeling Too Good, and (3) Should’s.

By the way, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has a term for what I’m calling Psychological Epidemics. CBT calls them Cognitive Distortions. Should’s are one of the 13 Cognitive Distortions identified by CBT. (Another cognitive distortion is Mindreading, which, as you can see, is related to Caring What People Think.) (The topic of Mindreading, I’m SURE, will reappear in future blog entries.) (And by predicting that, I’m not just Fortune Telling, another one of the 13 distortions.)

I think that term — “Cognitive Distortion” — can sound pretty judgmental. Somebody might feel like they’re being called “distorted” for thinking in Should’s. That’s why I sometimes use the term “unhelpful thoughts” instead.

But whatever we wanna call ’em, we all have ’em. Or let me be more precise. I’ve yet to meet anybody who doesn’t think in Should’s.

And here’s another Should I witness all the time: “I Shouldn’t Be Thinking in Shoulds.”

Arrrghh! Look how endless and self-perpetuating the judgment can be!

So I believe that — no matter how we try — we’re not going to stop thinking in Should’s. However, noticing and naming Shoulds — and other unhelpful thoughts — can help. A LOT.

Let me put it this way: if you don’t notice an Unhelpful Thought/Cognitive Distortion, it will feel like the TRUTH. An unchallenged and indisputable truth.

And it’s not, dear reader.

(Should I have ended that way?) (Yes!)

Categories: personal growth | Tags: cognitive behavioral therapy, cognitive distortions, community, opinion, Personal, shoulds, writing | 17 Comments