Posts Tagged With: Personal

Day 76: Random Thoughts about Sleep

Posted on March 17, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I’ve written in this blog before about the Topic of Sleep  — like here, here, here, and here, and less directly in other posts, too.

Sleep does seem to be An Issue for me these days. As a matter of fact, I’m seeing a Sleep Specialist this week (for the first time ever).  So, of course, sleep is more on my mind.

Also, several people I work with in individual and group therapy have been talking more about sleep lately.

Sleep is in the air.

I think that’s enough of a reasonable introduction for this post.  So without further ado, it’s Random Thought Time!

Moving the clocks back (or forward) screws people up.

Man, people in general have seemed “off” this past week, in so many different ways. I ran a group on Tuesday where EVERYBODY was late, by a substantial amount.  That would have seemed quite weird, except “duh!” we turned the clocks forward last Saturday.  And people have been talking more about sleep problems this past week. People have been more forgetful.  I was definitely more emotional.

We seem to negotiate our ways through the world by taking in cues that help keep us on track and safer.  I imagine disrupting any of those cues — like an hour suddenly disappearing — poof! — like a magic trick  (where did it go?) — would put us off balance.

We never know how we are interacting with the world when we’re asleep, unless somebody tells us.

What kind of sleeper are you?  Are you restless?  Do you snore?  Do you talk in your sleep? Do you look like you’re making balloon animals or do people consider calling 911?

Unless you have a video camera set up in your room, you’ve heard information regarding “You, While Sleeping” from other people — either experts or people you know in a rather intimate fashion.

And when you find out information that surprises you, that’s a little disconcerting, isn’t it?  When somebody you love (or are paying for their expertise) (which could cover several circumstances) starts a sentence like this:

“Did you know that when you’re sleeping, you …..”

Don’t we cringe a little?  Whatever the hell follows that opening, like …

  • … say rude things about the President
  • … look so peaceful
  • … snore like a lumberjack
  • … seem smarter
  • … look disturbingly like my cousin Flo
  • … poke me repeatedly in the abdomen
  • … perplex the cat
  • … wake up, every six minutes, screaming
  •  … are adorable
  • … try to eat the pillow, or
  • … do something that none of us in the Sleep Research Foundation have ever seen, so can we have your autograph?

… it’s going to re-cast our self-image, in some way.

Which can take some work, right?  Also, this might be a Prime Time for self-judgmental thoughts.  Let’s watch out for those, shall we?

Sleep is one of those “natural things we all do” that nobody seems to know how to do these days.

I guess I have nothing else to add to THAT.

I mean, I could list lots of other things we are all supposed to be born knowing how to do, that still seem difficult, to the extent that lots of people are making lots of money helping us do them, but …. nah.

It’s time to wrap this post up.

Chances are that the topic of sleep will be creeping back into this blog, pretty soon. Especially since I’ll be meeting with an expert, this week.

Thanks for being here, dear reader. And may you sleep the sleep of the innocent and the satisfied, all your nights. (Even if you look and sound really weird while doing that.)

Categories: humor, personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Day 73: The Fear of Feeling “Too Good” — Part 2

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Way back on Day  3 of this blog, I wrote this post  about the fear of feeling too good.

And, at the end of the post, I said I would write more the next day.

And then, I didn’t.

And that was useful, because I got to manage my guilt about making a promise and breaking it to you, my readers.

And I haven’t returned to the topic.

Yet.

Today’s the day!

And something that I’ve relearned — again! — is to have faith in my own process.  Or, as I wrote a few days ago,  in this post:

#17. Notice your resistance, letting go of judgment.

If you’re resisting doing something, assume that — on some level — that resistance makes sense. See if you can figure that out.  Even if you can’t, try to let go of judgment about the resistance.

Also resistance may mean that you don’t yet have what you need (data, support, completing something else first) in order to continue with your task.

I’m not going to write today about why I was resisting completing that task — of writing Part 2 of “The Fear of Feeling ‘Too Good,” even though that might be useful to explore.  That might be the post for another day.

Here’s what I want to say today about The Fear of Feeling ‘Too Good.”

At times in my life, I’m been afraid of feeling too good, because:

  • I’m afraid that I will be disappointed.
  • Other people in my life have been afraid of my feeling too good, for their own reasons (which I can only guess).
  • I’m afraid that if I feel too good, I will lose people.

I think those are the main punchlines, this morning.

I have a big day at work today, where I’m meeting with somebody where it will probably be helpful for me to feel very good about myself (even though I still believe there are some dangers in my feeling “too good.”)

Writing this post this morning helped me prepare for the meeting, which I’m actually looking forward to.

Before I leave, though, I would like to quote this poem by Marianne Williamson, which I have found very helpful.  (If it helps you to do so, feel free to substitute your own language for the word “God.”)

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Thanks for reading.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Day 72: Short on words, long on gratitude

Posted on March 13, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Hi, everybody.

I am feeling a lot of gratitude as I’m writing this post.

I’m grateful for my health.

I’m grateful for my family.

I’m grateful for my friends.

I’m grateful that I get to do work that I love and value.

I’m grateful that when I am kind to people, most people are kind back to me.

I’m grateful that there is something to learn no matter what the circumstances, even when the circumstances are painful (and I feel incapable of learning in the moment).

I am grateful for the privileges given to me by the accidents of where I was born and who I am.

I am grateful for all the different parts of my past, because they have contributed to who I am today.

I am grateful that I live in a time where I can connect with people in so many different ways.

I am grateful for you, dear reader.

Thanks.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Day 64: You never know where your day is going to end up

Posted on March 5, 2013 by Ann Koplow

This is going to be a short post because I had a very long day.

And all I want to say today is how my day started and how it ended.

My day started with my sobbing, before I left for work, because I had allowed myself to get in touch with some fears about my health, which I had never really allowed myself to feel before. These fears were a collection of old fears from my childhood and some current fears that I do need to live with, but often deny and suppress. And this morning, because I was talking about these fears to somebody I trust, I allowed myself to feel the fears in a new, very primal way.

And I sobbed.

Then I went to work and lots of things happened.

Then, tonight, I went to a meeting to start planning a high school reunion.  I traveled about 20 miles and about 45 years back in time, to meet with some people with whom I spent several formative years, but whom I have not seen for quite a while.  When I was traveling those 20 miles to the meeting — and because the memories of the past were right there — I had some fears about that meeting. I thought that perhaps these people at the meeting might have judged me in high school and might also judge me tonight.

(I mean, this may be the Year of Living Non-Judgmentally, but we’re talking High School, for cripe’s sake!)

But when I got to the meeting, I realized that everybody there wanted to be there because they felt an urge to reconnect.   And people were as kind as could be to me.

And I was happy to be there with them and to start planning our high school reunion, together.

So, dear reader, that was how my day started and how my day ended.

And I’m happy to be here, now, too.  Thanks for reading.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Day 57: My Team (Position, Mechanic)

Posted on February 26, 2013 by Ann Koplow

One of my favorite concepts from  Narrative Therapy is The Personal Team.  I love asking people questions about their team, like “Who is on your team?” “Is this person really on your team?”  “Who might you add to your team?”

The more conventional term for Personal Team is “support system,” defined by  Merriam-Webster as “a network of people who provide an individual with practical or emotional support.”

I am happy to report that I’ve got a great Mechanic on my team these days.  For a long time, I’ve believed that Mechanic is one of THE critical team positions (if you have a car).  (Another critical team position —  for me — is Hair Stylist, but that’s another topic.)

Here’s my Mechanic:

IMG_0507

This is Mark Jamieson. I first drove into his establishment — P & M Service Center, in Belmont —  about a year ago, looking for a new mechanic. When I first talked to Mark, my Trust Indicators all came up green.  And all my dealings with Mark and his service station have been consistently positive since.

Yesterday, after he did my yearly automobile inspection, I asked Mark if I could put him in this blog. He then told me some great stories, some of which I’ll include here.

When Mark was 12, he decided he wanted to start a business fixing lawn mowers, because he enjoyed doing mechanical things like that.  He asked his father (whom Mark describes as  “not mechanical at all”) to lend him $2 so he could advertise his lawn-mower repair abilities in the local paper.   And he got responses, really quickly.

Mark’s first customer — whom he remembers vividly —  asked Mark how much he would charge to fix his lawn mower. Mark, who hadn’t thought about money at all, took a wild guess and said, “50 cents?”  The customer replied, “No!  You have to charge more! You have to charge what your services are worth!” That customer suggested that Mark  charge $2, so he was able to pay his father back the loan immediately.

Very soon, lots of lawn mowers — and snow blowers, too — showed up on Mark’s front lawn. Mark fixed lots of lawn mowers and snow blowers  for a whole year (until his mother had had it with the mowers and blowers parked on the lawn).

When Mark was 19, on 12/1/1978, he bought the service establishment which is now P & M — where I happily bring my car.

As Mark told me stories about his work history, what kept coming through were lots of qualities I admire, including his continuing interest and pride in his work,  as well as an adherence to personal and professional values.

For example, Mark told me that he can tell, very quickly, when he meets a new customer, whether this is going to be a good match.  In Mark’s words, “everybody has to be comfortable.”  And if there isn’t that mutual comfort and satisfaction with the business relationship,  Mark says, “I don’t need everybody’s business.”  If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. (I told Mark I could relate to what he was saying.)

Before I left, Mark wanted to tell me this last story:

When Mark was  19 — his first year owning the service station — a new customer brought in a 1974 Ford Maverick. The Maverick owner told Mark that the car wouldn’t start and that it obviously needed a new starter. When Mark started to explain to this customer his usual plan — to check out the car and diagnose what was wrong with it — the guy got irate and said, “Hey!  I know what it needs!  The starter is broken!  Just do what I’m telling you and put in a new one!”   So Mark and his team put in a new starter, just as this guy had insisted. When this guy returned to pick up his car and tried to start the car, nothing happened.  The guy was very angry.  Mark told him, “Yes. It won’t start. That’s because you wouldn’t let us find out what was wrong with it  and fix it.”

I loved the way Mark told this story; I only hope I captured a flavor of how much fun he had telling me this.

Mark also told me yesterday, “I’m not a big Internet user”, but he knew that there was a website online where people shared opinions about service stations. He said, “We’ve won best service station for this area,”  which he hears about through new customers. And after I first met Mark, last year, I checked out my intuition about him and his service station on the internet and — indeed — the reviews were excellent.

Mark also has people working for him who are all helpful  and a pleasure to deal with. Here’s one of them:

IMG_0508

This is Tom. He helped me find my cell phone last week, with a lot of good humor.  (I had actually dropped it outside the service station, on a day when I was pretty sleep-deprived.)

Tom is more of an internet user than Mark, and he told me he’d be able to find this blog, easy.  Mark asked me to e-mail him the link so he could check it out. Actually, I’m going to drop by tomorrow, on my way to work, and show this post to Mark, to make sure I got the stories right. (I really value people’s stories and want to make sure I tell them correctly.)

Thanks for reading these stories today. And, dear reader,  I hope you have a good mechanic — and other good players — on your team.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Day 53: Thoughts have no intention

Posted on February 22, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Thoughts may have no intention, but my intention today is to write a short post. (Mind reading break: I am now imagining you, dear reader, thinking “Yay!” or “It’s about friggin’ time! These long posts have been brutal!” or “I’ve stopped reading your blog because of those annoyingly long posts!”) (That latter burst of mind reading is based on a logical impossibility, but that’s not going to stop me.)

So far, in this post, I have almost immediately put up obstacles  for my writing a short post — by writing down several of my thoughts. And if I keep doing that, this post may be nominated for The Longest Post In All Creation Award. (By the way, in my meanderings on this blogging site, I’ve noticed that people do get nominated for awards but I don’t know anything else about them.) (I wonder if that sounded like a hint, that I’m asking to be nominated?) (Hmmm, maybe I am?)

So, believe it or not, this post already illustrates my point, which is today’s title: “Thoughts have no intention.”

I have to thank Michael, my boyfriend (whom I have not mentioned in this blog before) for the title of today’s post.

I haven’t mentioned Michael before today for at least two reasons: (1) I am figuring out, day by day, how much to self-disclose in this blog and (2) I don’t like the word “boyfriend.”

By the way, I originally wrote, in that previous sentence, “I hate the word “boyfriend,” but I could just imagine my son saying to me something like “You are supposed to be soooo Non-Judgmental, but you are sooooo Judgmental.” (That’s not an accurate quote, at all, but I’m trying to capture my son’s verbal mixture of sarcasm, age-appropriate challenging, and good humor.) (If my son reads this, I’m assuming he is NOT going to like what I just wrote.)

So, I don’t have to point out or apologize for digressions in today’s post — Yay! Because, dear reader, that’s the friggin’ point of today’s post. (By the way, my son keeps telling me to lose the “dear reader” motif.)

Our minds wander, everywhere. They just do. Thoughts come and go. Flit in, flit out.

Our thoughts are in the moment, but rarely, unless we practice, practice, practice, bringing ourselves back to that present moment, over and over again. Our thoughts go to the past. They go to the future. Our thoughts relate to where we are, geographically, and they go on trips, all around the world. They’re in the room, then outside the room.

Maybe that’s one reason it’s so difficult to write! Of course, I can only speak to my own experience, and I’ll own that experience, for sure — I find it difficult to corral my thoughts, to stick to a topic, and to communicate effectively. In communication (writing and speaking),   I find that it  takes soooo much work to maintain effective communication with others — to keep the connection —  because I’m constantly trying to figure out which of my thoughts are relevant, and which thoughts are so random and unique to my experience that spouting them off will confuse the other person, and break that connection.

Actually,  I find Michael’s quote “Thoughts have no intention” really reassuring. Does that seem random and surprising, for me to write that, right now? Whether it does or it doesn’t, I do find that quote reassuring.

Here’s why: If  I’m engaging in the cognitive distortion of Mind Reading, Michael’s point is  one of my “antidotes.” That is, it’s one way I challenge my negative mind reading  (that is, my projection of my own Inner Critic or Fears about Other People’s Thoughts).

Let me try to explain and illustrate that.

Let’s say I’m doing all sorts of Mind Reading — having moments when I’m caring what other people think and  assuming the worst   —  that people are having negative and judgmental thoughts about me.  (Am I the only one in the blog-space who does that?  I think not.)  As an example of that, let’s take those negative Mind Reading thoughts I was having in the first paragraph in this post, above, where I imagined readers disliking my long posts and some getting annoyed enough that they have rolled their blogging-readin’ eyes and thought, “Forget this!  I’m out this dopey, Non-Judgmental-Living blog NOW and FOREVER!!”

I could challenge that bout of negative mind reading, as follows:

So what if some people have had negative thoughts about this blog?  What if people have had moments of annoyance about the length of some of these posts?  If they have, those thoughts would be just some of many other thoughts they might have, that come and go, flit in and flit out, about this blog. Also, those thoughts are just a small sub-set of thoughts they are having about a kashmillion other things. There is a constant train of one thought after another, a complete mix, each thought being replaced by the next.  People don’t intend to think something, they just do. And the thoughts that I’m fearing — the negative thoughts, about me and what I do, are NOT more powerful than the other thoughts they are having.  And some of the thoughts they are having, in addition to any negative ones about this blog or me, might actually be positive ones, too!  That is — as a reader is reading through one of my posts — any of these thoughts may come up, as each moment goes by: “this part doesn’t make sense to me,”  “now this REALLY makes sense, ” “I agree with this, “I don’t agree with this,” “this part is well-written, ” “this part isn’t,” “this helps me,” “I don’t like what she’s saying here, ” “this makes me uncomfortable,” “I’m skimming over this,” “I’ll try to remember this for later,” and so on.  And those reader-thoughts are just my guesses at the blog-related thoughts, which will be sharing mind space with outside-the-blog thoughts, such as, “I have to get all these friggin’ things done today,” “I hate my hair,” “I’m hungry,” and “I wonder whether Alec Baldwin is in the news today?”  Plus, different readers are going to have their own sets of  different, passing thoughts. One reader might think, “I don’t like the term ‘dear reader’, another might think, “I like that term!”  Or, different readers might think “Alec Baldwin pisses me off!” “I love Alec Baldwin!”  “Is there anything that guy does that the media DOESN’T report on?” or “Whoa! Where did HE come  from?”

So that helps me, right now, dear reader — to recognize and name this: Your (and my) thoughts, are so numerous, so varied, and pass by soooo quickly.

That helps me reduce the power of the Thoughts I Fear — any critical ones you might have.

Okay, here’s a thought of mine, right now, which DOES have an intention: I’ve got to stop writing and get to work!

Thanks for reading (and for ALL of your thoughts).

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Day 46: Words to Live By

Posted on February 15, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I haven’t written much about how my 60th birthday party went down, way back on Groundhog Day (a.k.a Day 33) (a.k.a. February 2).

Planning that party did make an appearance in this blog,  on Day 16, when I was struggling with some self-judgment during that process.

My goal in planning that party was to create a day which was meaningful and fun, where people I appreciate and love could help me celebrate reaching  quite the birthday milestone.

One of my ideas was to put up on the wall giant post-it notes (these 25″ by 30″ beauties, right here), which people could write or draw on.  On some of those posters, I had written questions or topics that people could answer throughout the party. I  really liked that idea, because I thought that would help people engage and feel comfortable, soon after they entered the party, since the posters were hanging right where people first entered my place. Plus, in general, I LOVE asking people questions, so that made it more fun for ME.

Here were the questions I put up on the posters:

What is something in your life that you love?

What’s a really helpful lesson you’ve learned in your life?

Favorite movie?

Favorite song?

What makes a good party?

What’s something you haven’t done yet that you want to?

Words to live by?

If you could be any animal ….?

And during the party, it was fun for me to see my guests, engaging with each other around those questions. Plus, at the end of the party, I had — as a memento of the day — the answers to keep. All of the answers were anonymous, so that was fun, too — to guess who wrote what.

My idea for today’s blog was to pass on what people at my party wrote for “Words to Live By.”

This is what people wrote:

Disregard everything

Laugh a lot every day.

Laugh at lot at Ray every day. (This, I know, was written by my hilarious friend Janet, married to Ray.)

If not you, then who?

If not now, when?

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Show up, be gentle, and tell the truth 

Please and thank you.

No, you first.

Leap and the net will appear.

Why not??

Don’t sweat the “small stuff” — it’s all “small stuff.”

Simplicity

Live, love, laugh

Do one thing every day that scares you. (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Life is emergent curriculum.

Those “Words to Live By” were just some of the many gifts I received at the party.

I’m pleased to re-gift them here, to you.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Day 44: The Daily Blog

Posted on February 13, 2013 by Ann Koplow

It’s 7 PM on Day 44 of the Year of Blogging Daily, and I have no idea what my topic is going to be. And I’m hungry. I want to have dinner soon, but I want to write this post before dinner.  My big plans for after dinner? Watching some TV shows I DVR-ed while I was on my trip, which I’m REALLY looking forward to.

So I’d like to write a blog post, now.  But about what?

I’ve had  ideas for topics, popping up throughout the day, including:

  1. Writing thank-you notes.
  2. How to give yourself a great 60th birthday party.
  3. Tips on traveling by yourself
  4. Decisions, decisions
  5. The 30-minute Blog
  6. Irritating things

That last topic is an indication that I’m hungry.

I’m very much in touch — right now — with the reality that writing a daily blog does present this danger: that posting might turn into something that I SHOULD be doing.  (If you want to read a previous post about SHOULDs, it’s right here.)

Writing a daily post might turn into a source of stress,  another obligation.  And an INESCAPABLE one. Oh, no!  I just finished a post less than 24 hours ago,  and NOW I HAVE TO DO ANOTHER ONE!  Eeeeeeek!

If there’s something you need to do every day, I guess freaking out like that is always a possibility. But I think there ARE ways to let go of that stress.

For example, you can always — in the moment — get a sense of what might help you complete your task, balancing different priorities.

Sometimes, it really helps to name what those priorities are.

In this case, my priorities are:

  1. Eat dinner.

That’s it.

Okay, that completes today’s post. Thanks for reading!

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Day 29: Personal Medicine

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I first heard the term “Personal Medicine”  at a mental health clinic where I used to work.   The term was coined by Pat Deegan, PhD,  who describes herself, on her website, as  “a thought leader, innovator and inspirational speaker in the field of mental health recovery.”

And she really is.

She defines Personal Medicine as follows:

Personal Medicine is an activity someone does because it helps them feel better or increases their “wellness.”  Personal medicine can be things like:

  •  Working as a carpenter
  •  Being a good parent to my 3-year old daughter
  •  Vegetable gardening

Personal medicine or — as I often call it — “What Helps.”

This morning, as I continued to deal with some challenging circumstances, I decided to identify and administer my own personal medicine.

So I gave myself some prescriptions and — like a good patient — took them STAT. These included:

Rx #1:   Reaching out for assistance with some daunting tasks.

Rx #2:   Identifying and challenging some distortions (the ever-popular mind-reading and fortune-telling) that were causing me undue worry.

Rx #3:  Treating myself in a kindlier, gentler fashion.  (This is a fabulously appropriate prescription for when you’re having a difficult day, even though it might feel tough to swallow).

And all these prescriptions were good for what ailed me.

And no side effects.

I’m wondering how you’re doing, dear reader, in prescribing your own healthy, personal medicine.

No need to hold back, even if it’s habit-forming.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

Day 28: Losing the investment in the outcome

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Ann Koplow

This is going to be a  short post, mostly because I had a challenging day today, which included difficult situations as well as some self-doubt.

So this is all I’m going to do right now:  I’m going to try to put into words a concept that I’ve found really helpful.

When I get caught up in worry about how something is going to turn out, I invite myself to lose my investment in the outcome.

I remind myself that being invested in the outcome  takes me out of the moment.  Being invested in a certain outcome can lead to disappointment, rather than acceptance.

This has helped me  when I’ve been in the middle of really difficult, scary situations. It’s also helped me when I care about something so much that I really, really want it to turn out well.

It helps me do the work I do, because I let go of a need for somebody else to change a certain way.  Then, I can be committed to being as present as possible with another person, exactly how they are.

I’m not at my best tonight — it’s more difficult than usual to write —  and it’s interesting that I’m choosing this time to try to communicate about something that I think is very important.

I’m sure I’ll write about it again.  For now, this was helpful, almost like visiting an old, faithful friend.

Thanks for reading.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

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