Posts Tagged With: growth

Day 261: Replies

Posted on September 18, 2013 by Ann Koplow

That’s the topic for today, people!

That’s the image for today, people!

Here are some replies that are on my mind, this morning :

Reply #1.

Yesterday, at work, I saw a co-worker I really like, who had been markedly kind to me when I first started my job, two years ago. These days, I don’t get to see her very often, so I was particularly happy to run into her.

As always, she looked and sounded kind, but worry was there, too, about how well she was doing at her new job.

I replied by saying, “You know, I was just thinking, this morning: I’ve been at my position for two full years, and I am JUST NOW starting to truly believe that I know what I’m doing.”

Reply #2.

Yesterday, at work, I saw somebody in therapy for the first time, who told me some awful things that had happened to her, when she was a child.

On my white board, I wrote this, in big letters:

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

She replied by taking a picture of that, with her cell phone.

Reply #3.

Yesterday, on this blog, I wrote about my (sometimes) Dread of Anger.

Eric Tonningsen replied by writing this:

… Ann, two possibilities for your consideration: 1) You are choosing to be in dread so choose otherwise and; 2) Create a simple mantra or affirmation that you can use to acknowledge, then pass on dread. It can be as simple as saying “whatever” and laughing. I learned this from a 16 year young nephew. And it works – when I’m aware and at choice. Or…ask yourself, what purpose does it serve me to be dreadful? Two cents, unsolicited. 🙂

Reply #4.

Whenever I put something out there into the world, this thought can pop into my head:

I wonder what the reply will be?

Reply # 5.

Whatever!

I’m smiling, right now.

Thanks to Eric, his nephew, repliers and repliees* everywhere, and to you, for reading today.

_______________________________________

* A made-up word, which means somebody who gets a reply.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: growth, healing, helpful phrases, hope, replies, self improvement, self-judgment, self-worth, shame, support | 7 Comments

Day 260: DOA (Dread of Anger)

Posted on September 17, 2013 by Ann Koplow

This is a question I’ve been asking myself lately:

Why do I have so much dread about the possibility of other people getting angry at me?

It really doesn’t make sense.

How can I figure this out?

Let’s start with a definition of the word “dread”:

dread (drd)
v. dread·ed, dread·ing, dreads
v.tr.
1. To be in terror of.
2. To anticipate with alarm, distaste, or reluctance: dreaded the long drive home.
3. Archaic To hold in awe or reverence.
v.intr.
To be very afraid.
n.
1. Profound fear; terror.
2. Fearful or distasteful anticipation. See Synonyms at fear.
3. An object of fear, awe, or reverence.
4. Archaic Awe; reverence.
adj.
1. Causing terror or fear: a dread disease.
2. Inspiring awe: the dread presence of the headmaster.
[Middle English dreden, short for adreden, from Old English adrdan, from ondrdan, to advise against, fear : ond-, and-, against; see un-2 + rdan, to advise; see ar- in Indo-European roots.]

When I use the word “dread,” I’m usually thinking of definition #2 (“to anticipate with alarm, distaste, or reluctance”) rather than definition #1 (“to be in terror of”).

But maybe all definitions apply, because sometimes I CAN feel terror about other people’s anger.

And that doesn’t really make sense, because — unlike a lot of other people I know — I’ve never (in person) witnessed the traumatic results of violent anger against another human being.

I’m very lucky, that way.

So why so much dread about other people’s anger?

Here’s a piece of data: I don’t feel that Dread Of Anger all the time.

As a matter of fact, I like telling people in therapy that all of their feelings — including anger — are welcome. And, when people have gotten angry in therapy, I have authentically experienced those times as helpful for all involved.

Hmmmmm.

I don’t know if I’m going to figure this out today. And I’m going to have to leave for work, very soon.

I’m still baffled by my Dread of Anger.

(If you’re baffled by that photo, see here.)

However, at least I took a first step, this morning, by posing the puzzle in public.

Thanks to Andy Rooney, to other people who have posed (or are otherwise dealing with) puzzles, and to you, for reading today.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: anger, anxiety, communication, community, connection, dread, fear, group therapy, growth, healing, self improvement, self-worth | 11 Comments

Day 259: Thoughts about “I’m Sorry.”

Posted on September 16, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Here are some thoughts about the phrase, “I’m sorry,” this morning.

I said that to my sister yesterday, regarding some things I had done in the past. I could tell she thought those words were unnecessary, because this was similar to the look on her face.

(Note: this image comes up in response to the word “bafflement.”)

I wrote that phrase on Facebook yesterday, in response to an unexpected loss for an old friend.
My first year at college, I was describing something upsetting that had happened to me, and my roommate, Marcia, said that phrase to me. I was puzzled (never hearing it used that way, before), and I replied, “Why? It’s not your fault.”
I think I hear women saying that phrase more than I hear men, especially in this situation: negotiating space issues with strangers while walking around in public.
About a decade ago, in a therapy group, I gave the assignment of keeping track of how often one said that phrase, over the course of one week. (I was later told that was a helpful assignment.)

I’m sorry to have to tell you that I need to end this post.

But first, another Google Image:

(Two thoughts about that photo: (1) I should probably order that card from holycool.net and (2) that reminded me I need to eat some friggin’ thing, NOW.)

Thanks to my sister, to Marcia, to anybody who has ever said, “I’m sorry” (for any reason), and to you, for reading today.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: "I'm sorry", Andy Rooney, apologies, apology greeting card, effect of hunger on thinking, group therapy, groups, growth, healing, self improvement, self-judgment, self-worth | 17 Comments

Day 252: My Father’s Birthday

Posted on September 9, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Today, September 9, is my father’s birthday.

My father, Aaron Koplow, passed away in March, 1997.

Three months after that, I found out that I was pregnant, at age 44, with my only child.

My father, when he was alive, assumed he would never be a grandfather.

If I know anything in this world, I know that my father and my son (also named Aaron) would have been great friends. They would have shared a lot in common, including a wicked sense of humor and kindness towards others.

When I woke up this morning, I wasn’t sure how to do a “good enough job” honoring my father, here in this blog, on the date of his birth.

I think I already have.

Before I end, though, I did want to show you a pair of images, to tell you a little bit more about my father and my son.

Here’s the deal about this first photo: My father had lost a bet with his best friend, Nell Zaitchik — who also had a great sense of humor. The above is how he repaid that debt to her. I don’t know what the wager was about, but that’s my father’s hand-writing (below and on the bill itself).

Here’s the deal about that second photo: About five years ago, somebody lost a larger bet with me (regarding who was playing a jazz solo). The above is how he repaid that debt to me. I’m showing this not to brag (or to marvel at the coincidence), but to point out the writing between the two bills, which was a quote from my son.*

That’s something else my father and my son share: they are both very quotable.

I’m very grateful, this morning, to have heard so many of those quotable quotes over the years.

With many more to come, I’m sure.

Extra-special thanks to my father, to my son, and to you, too, for reading today.

_______________________________________

* If you are having trouble reading that piece of advice from my son, it says, “DON’T BET WITH MAMA.”

Categories: personal growth | Tags: "Don't bet with Mama", Father, father's birthday, framed bills, gratitude, growth, healing, son, wagers | 14 Comments

Day 251: Walking the (Heart) Walk

Posted on September 8, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Yesterday, for the first time, I did the Heart Walk in Boston, which was sponsored by the American Heart Association.

I was so engrossed in taking in everything around me, I didn’t take very many pictures.

So prepare for a short photo essay.

Here we go ….

My Day At the Heart Walk

by Ann

I drove there with Michelle, a wonderful nurse I know. Michelle and I arrived at the Hatch Shell, on Boston’s Esplanade, around 9:45, about 45 minutes before the official beginning of the walk.

The Hatch Shell, on the Esplanade:

(That is not a photo I took yesterday, as you probably figured out on your own.)

I decided to pick up a Red Cap, which they were giving out to anyone who was a “heart disease survivor.”

(By the way, that’s not a photo I took yesterday, either. That photo, plus the next two, are from the Boston Heart Walk website.)

RIght before the official start of the walk, they invited people with Red Caps to go up into The Hatch Shell, to give “The Red Cap Wave.”

It was inspiring and strange to be up there, for me.

This is similar to the view I had from the Hatch Shell, yesterday morning, as I was doin’ The Red Cap Wave (although I don’t remember any metal barricades).

No matter what was between me and the other walkers, I know the crowd yelled and clapped, very loudly, during the Red Cap Wave.

Then, Michelle and I stood in line to get some little foam baseballs signed by Luis Tiant, Rick Miller, and Jim Rice, from the Red Sox. While we were waiting in line, I saw Mark, a wonderful social worker I know. I was especially glad to see Mark, because we had planned on walking together, and I had thought that I might not be able to find him before the start of the walk. No worries (as usual).

I don’t have a photo of Jim Rice, Luis Tiant, and Rick Miller signing baseballs from yesterday, but here’s a shot of the little foam baseball.

After we got our baseballs signed, we were off on the Heart Walk!

Here’s the first photo I took yesterday:

As you can see, it was a beeeeooootiful day.

And such a beautiful route.

That’s Michelle and Mark. When I had picked up my Red Cap earlier, they asked Michelle if she wanted that sign/sticker, in support of me. She carried that, all six friggin’ miles.

More things I saw along the way:

That’s one of the many cheerleaders we saw during the walk. After we passed her, and were crossing the Charles River, here’s a view back to where we had just been walking:

Here’s Mark and an unidentified dog, on the other side of the Charles River:

We saw lots of dogs and kids, doing the Heart Walk.

Then we crossed the Charles River, again, from the Cambridge side back to the Boston side:

And, before we knew it, the finish line!

Phew! It was a great day.

Thanks to Michelle, Mark, the American Heart Association, Jim Rice, Rick Miller, and Luis Tiant (and other Red Sox players past, present, and future), walkers, cheerleaders, my incredibly generous supporters, and to you, too, for reading today.

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: American Heart Association, Boston Heart Walk 2013, childhood illness, growth, healing, Jim Rice, Luis Tiant, Red Cap wave, Rick Miller, The Boston Esplanade, The Charles River, The Hatch Shell | 9 Comments

Day 241: No worries

Posted on August 29, 2013 by Ann Koplow

I like that phrase, “no worries.”

I’ve heard and read that several times, recently. I’ve started saying it, too.

I believe that worry does not help us.

It does not spur us to action.

It does not solve problems.

It’s the mental equivalent of this:

Last night, at dinner, I said to my boyfriend Michael, “I have a lot of things coming up SOON that tend to make me anxious: a presentation at work, the beginning of a new school year, blah blah blah.*

“I would like to make this commitment to you. And to all these other witnesses.” (I gestured to the soy sauce and the other inhabitants of the dinner table.)

“I want to Not Feel Anxious for the next 10 days.”

Michael asked me how I was going to do that. I said, “I don’t know. Just NOT do it. Notice it and put it aside. Say to myself, ‘Sorry! That’s not allowed!'”

Michael and I talked about I’ve used this assignment at work: “Scheduling worry.” That is, I tell people to schedule a time, each week, for worrying (Thursday at 6 PM, say). Then, when worry comes up during other times, they say to themselves, “Nope! This isn’t the time for that. I’ve got that scheduled for Thursday, at 6 PM.” (Then, when Thursday at 6 comes along, the assignment is to “worry as hard as you possibly can.”)

However, I don’t want to schedule worry.

I just want a break for 10 days.

Michael said he would like to join me in this. (The soy sauce was noncommittal.)

Would you like to join me, too?

Thanks to small animals who are doing their best to get somewhere, condiments everywhere, worriers, warriors, and to you, too, for reading today.

________________________________________________

*I actually said, “blah blah blah.” I like that phrase, too.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: anxiety, fear of failure, fear of public speaking, growth, hamster wheel, presentation anxiety, scheduling worry, self improvement, self-judgment, self-worth, worries, worrying | 21 Comments

Day 240: “I” Statements

Posted on August 28, 2013 by Ann Koplow

At this point in This Year of Living Non-Judgmentally, I am making some assumptions.

Of course, I make assumptions — and unhelpful judgments — all the time*. That’s a habit I doubt I will completely break (even if I’m reducing that habit this year).

Here’s an assumption I’ve been making about this blog:

By now, I would have defined all my VIC’s — Very Important Concepts.

Au contraire, mon frere**.

When I was writing yesterday’s post, I assumed that I had already defined the concept of “I-Statements.” However, my blog-post-search indicated that the best I had done, all year, was this reference, on Day 26 (“What we can and cannot change”), when I was making the point that we cannot change other people:

It also really helps to clearly state the effect that other people’s behavior has on you, and to express your needs and wishes, and even name consequences, at times. (I’ll write about “I-statements” in a future post, I’m sure, which is a handy-dandy prescription for more effective interpersonal communication.)

That was it. Nada. No discussion or definition of “I-Statements” since then, for 218 days.

But who cares?

I can define it, now:

I statement
Web definitions
An I-statement is a statement that begins with the word “I”. It is frequently used in an attempt to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive. It can be used to take ownership for one’s feelings rather than saying they are caused by the other person.***

And here are some I-Statements I want to make, today:

I want to let go of self-labels which don’t help.
I’ve gotten feedback, from other people, that I am NOT some things I fear to be, including: Too sensitive. Too self-centered. Too indecisive. Not responsive enough.
I AM sensitive, focused on myself, and indecisive at times, and
I AM imperfect in my responsiveness, and
I have shame, sometimes, about how many times I use the word “I”, when I’m communicating, but…
I still rock!!****

At this point, I’m remembering Garry Shandling, the comedian, talking about “I-Statements” in a monologue on Saturday Night Live:

I met a new girl at a barbecue, actually, a very pretty girl. Blonde, I think. I’m not sure. Her hair was on fire. And all she talked about was herself. You know those kind of girls – “I’m hot. I’m on fire!” You know,”Me, me me!” “Help me! Put me out!” Jesus. Some sort of Hollywood chick.

I wish I could find that bit, so you could see and hear Garry Shandling do that, hear his delivery, his intonation.

But I can’t.

What I CAN do is end with another I-Statement (in honor of a 50th anniversary):

Thanks to Martin Luther King, Garry Shandling, dreamers everywhere, and to you, too, dear readers.

*”All the time” is an example of All-or-Nothing thinking, but who cares? I’m using it for emphasis.

** Another comedic quote: Mel Brooks, in The 2000 Year Old Man.

*** This is, according to Google, from the Wikipedia definition of “I-Statements.”

**** I considered using other “bragging” statements here, like “I’m awesome!” (quoting a member of one of my therapy groups), but this is what I feel most comfortable saying, today.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: community, connection, growth, healing, I statements, self improvement, self-judgment, self-worth | 7 Comments

Day 233: Leave behinds

Posted on August 21, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Yesterday, throughout the day at work, I re-discovered that moods can switch for people. People feel better, then they feel worse. Then they feel better again.

Et cetera, et cetera.

At the end of the therapy groups I do at work, I often invite people to leave behind anything they choose, in “The Magic Wastepaper Basket” (which is whatever wastepaper basket is in the group room).

For example:

I’m not sure whether people take me up on that invitation. I just like giving it.

People who’ve read about The Worry Box may notice a similarity here. The Magic Wastepaper Basket is another way to let go of unhelpful things.

However, I’ve noticed that it can feel scary to throw something away, even if it’s something that’s definitely not helping.

Therefore, I’ve also made the suggestion that people leave Unhelpful Things (like worry, harsh self-criticism, paralyzing fears, etc.) outside the room — like a piece of baggage, “which you can pick up, if you choose, on your way out.”

I do like the idea of throwing things away for good, though. Wouldn’t that be nice?

For example:

Wouldn’t it be great if one could just crumple up a fear like that …

…. and throw it away!

I think an important part of that “trick” would be this: to be non-judgmental and accepting, if the fear came back.

Here’s a thought, though:

Maybe every time we throw something away, it gets smaller.

Thanks so much for reading today.

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: adventure, anxiety, connection, fear, group therapy, groups, growth, healing, hope, self improvement, self-judgment, self-worth | 11 Comments

Day 223: Reasons why I should move to London, Part 3

Posted on August 11, 2013 by Ann Koplow

Today is our last day in London, as we get on a train to Edinburgh.

I had a great time here, with my 15-year-old son. I (re-)learned lots of things. We met many amazing people. And we saw some incredible theater.

We’re both sad to leave London, but I’m sure that Edinburgh will be fabulous, also.

In order to deal with sadness of saying goodbye, here are more reasons why it’s so difficult to leave Olde London Towne:

Reason #4: I have olde and new friends here.

This is Alexa, whom I first met when we were kids, at Children’s Hospital in Boston, helping each other deal with some difficult medical challenges. It was wonderful to spend time with her and her son Alex, as they took us to a terrific sushi restaurant and to Camden (pictured above).

This is Sen, our amazing concierge at our hotel in London. He helped us feel welcome and safe from our very first day (and every time we’ve encountered him since then), with his can-do attitude, listening skills, kindness, ingenuity, knowledge (of details and important issues), humor, and appreciation for how a good game of 20 Questions and Charades can cheer up some weary travelers.

Reason # 5: You can barter for goods here.

This was particularly applicable in Camden, where there were so many goods, everywhere:

And so many interesting people with whom to barter.

This is Ali, who was born in Afghanistan. He had some perfect sunglasses to sell us. After he quoted us a price he said was “firm” (after giving my son and me some excellent monetary and psychological reasons for why this was a fair price for these sunglasses), he responded very positively to our requests to have the fun and pride of bartering him down.

Reason # 6: All the beautiful and historic things to see here.

Okay, there’s a lot more I could show and tell, but it’s time to get ready for the transition to Edinburgh. Thanks to London for all its riches and gifts, and thanks for reading today.

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: adventure, Camden, childhood illness, growth, healing, London, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, The Strand Palace Hotel, Trafalgar Square, travel | 19 Comments

Day 211: A short (but sweet) post

Posted on July 30, 2013 by Ann Koplow

In any moment, you can learn from anything and anyone you meet.

Including this:

Thank you, bumper sticker!

And thanks to all my readers, including you.

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: adventure, bravery, courage, growth, healing, Personal, self improvement, self-worth | 5 Comments