Posts Tagged With: Congenitally Corrected Transposition of the Great Arteries

Day 1192: Today’s problem

For the last one thousand, one hundred, and ninety-one days, I’ve written one blog post every day.

Writing each post has not been a problem for me.  Indeed, every blog post has helped me face a problem, express it,  and move on.

What problem do I wish to face, express, and move on from, today?

Here are some problem choices:

  1. I left my phone at the office, again.
  2. There is snow and ice all around, on April 6.
  3. I’m on the anti-coagulant medicine Xarelto, which makes it dangerous if I slip and fall.
  4. The dental device I’m wearing to relieve my mild sleep apnea is problematically uncomfortable.
  5. I have to travel out to the Mayo Clinic in Minneapolis in May to meet with some new doctors who might recommend major heart surgery.
  6. My heart is so unusual and weird that any operation has a  considerably higher risk.
  7. Our 11-year-old cat Oscar has been exhibiting some problem behaviors.
  8. Our other cat, Harley, continues to see me as a scary problem, even though I’m always kind and gentle with him.
  9. My only child, Aaron, is going very far away in the fall, to the University of Edinburgh.
  10. Both I and my laptop are having memory problems (which probably just have to do with age).

Hmmm.  No matter what problem I choose, writing that list of problems is already helping me feel better. I’m seeing each one as much less of a problem.

Why?

IMG_0426

That’s why.

Also, no matter what the problem is, comedy and humor always help. Tonight, I’ll be seeing Steve Martin and Martin Short  with my son Aaron, which should be no problem.

It’s also no problem for me to share some new photos with you:

Ooops!  I thought sharing those  new photos showing Oscar the cat (and his problems) would be no problem. However, I cannot share any new photos in this post because

  1. My Mac storage is full again (even though I thought I had re-solved that problem last night) and
  2. I left my phone at work.

Instead, here are videos of Martin Short and Steve Martin, dealing with some problems:

 

Because I know it’s a problem for people who receive these posts via email to see any videos I include, the links are here and here.

Any problems with today’s post? If you share them, you’ll halve them.

It’s no problem for me to thank Martin Short, Steve Martin, Conan O’Brien, and everybody else who helped me write today’s post. It’s also no problem for me to thank you — of course! — no matter what your problem is, here and now.

Categories: blogging, personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: , , , , , | 38 Comments

Day 1181: What’s wrong with me?

Earlier this week, somebody in my office asked

What’s wrong with me?

I immediately replied, “Nothing.”

Throughout the therapy session, I said, “What was that question again?” And she repeated

What’s wrong with me?

And each time, I responded, “Nothing.”

By the end of the session, she was asking different, more helpful questions, including:

  • What’s right with me?
  • What are my options?
  • What can I change?
  • What are my needs?
  • What do I want?

All this week, I’ve been asking

What’s wrong with me?

And I’ve been answering myself like so:

My heart.

What’s wrong with that?  I mean, I do have a a heart with congenitally corrected transposition of the great arteries (cctga).

However, it doesn’t help me, either, to ask

What’s wrong with me?

Does it ever help you to ask

What’s wrong with me?

What’s wrong with me assuming that it doesn’t help?

What’s wrong with these pictures I took yesterday?

IMG_0285

IMG_0286

IMG_0293

A better question is “What’s right with those pictures?”

What’s wrong with me asking for comments or thanking you for reading this, today?

Categories: inspiration, personal growth, photojournalism, Psychotherapy | Tags: , , , , | 36 Comments

Day 825: Seeing the light

Yesterday, I expected to see the rain, because of the weather report. Not uncommonly around here, the weather report was wrong and, instead, I saw the light.

Yesterday, I forgot my cell phone when I went out into the light to meet my childhood-through-present-day friend Barbara for brunch, so no photos of that wonderful meeting will see the light.

During my time with Barbara yesterday, we talked about many things — from the light to the heavy — including:

  • memories from our childhood,
  • medical issues,
  • coping strategies,
  • many people we’ve loved over the years,  including our parents,
  • this blog,
  • how to do better accepting the light of other people’s praise and positive feedback, and
  • vacation getaways, including this one:

 

I told Barbara how, during some dark days I was having last week, that video of the Underwater Room in Africa had lightened my mood.

Talking to Barbara for hours yesterday lightened my mood even more.

We both lost track of time and expected to see parking tickets alighting on our cars, but we saw nothing on our cars but light at the end of our enlightening time together.

Yay!

Later, in the light of a local shopping mall, I saw the light of these five things, with my boyfriend Michael:

    

I realize that in the light of this blog, that looks like six things, not five. Allow me to shed light on that:  At the restaurant last night, I turned the table number upside down (which prevented the server with our food to see the light of our location, temporarily).

I shall now enlighten you about why I was playing with that number in the light of the mall restaurant, by sharing the lightness of this joke (which I heard, many years ago, on a  Joke Show radio hour of Garrison Keillor’s Prairie Home Companion):

Boat rental employee (through megaphone): Boat #99, your time is up! Please bring your boat back to the dock.
Other boat rental employee: Ummm, we only have 70 boats to rent here.
Boat rental employee: Boat # 66! Are you in trouble?!!!!

Speaking of trouble, I’ve been feeling like my very unusual heart (which is not upside down but backwards) is in trouble lately, and various cardiologist have agreed. I feel lighter, right now, telling you about two dates coming up in May 2015:

Sunday, May 3: I see Todd Rundgren at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, for the first time in my 62 years.

Monday, May 4: I go in for surgery a block away from the Wilbur Theater at Tufts Medical Center, which I hope will allow me to see the light of many more days.

I shall now bring to light an appropriate song for today’s post:

I’m looking forward to hearing and seeing Todd Rundgren perform “I Saw the Light” on May 3.

What lights have you seen in this post?

Light and deep thanks to Barbara, to Michael,  to the Easter Bunny, to Garrison Keillor, to Todd Rundgren,  to the Underwater Room, to the Burlington Mall, and to everybody who has a light to share with the world today, including you!

Categories: friendship, inspiration, personal growth | Tags: , , , , , | 31 Comments

Day 824: Aaaarrrgggghhh!!!

The title of today’s post is something I write to express:

  • disappointment,
  • frustration, and
  • fear.

People who know me might tell me I’m brave and even fearless, at times, but here I was, writing that very thing two nights ago:

Yes, I spelled it differently, but it’s essentially the same.

So why did I write

two nights ago?

Was it because:

  1. one very famous cardiologist told me recently that  if I do NOT have valve surgery immediately I will most likely  get sicker and sicker and then die a horrible death AND
  2. a  very trusted and also famous cardiologist  told me recently that there’s a 1 in 10 chance I would not survive valve surgery and even if I do survive it, that valve  surgery could very well hasten the deterioration of my very unusual heart?

That seems like as good a reason as any to write

… doesn’t it?

Nevertheless, I wrote

at a therapy group at work on Thursday night, because the topic we had chosen together was “Frustration.”

How do you express frustration, dear reader? Feel free to write

or anything else in the comments, below.

One thing  I saw yesterday, in particular, made me say

Can you guess which image it was?

                
      

By the way, that last photo of Winston at my work parking garage — as he was telling me “Every human being goes temporarily insane at some time” — did not make me go

… but another one of those photos did.

Here’s some music I heard for the first time yesterday, in celebration of Boston Red Sox Opening Day, on Monday:

“Fanfare for Fenway,” written and conducted by John Williams, definitely did not make me go

when I heard it. It made me go

YAAYYYY!!!!!!!

I almost forgot! Here’s something else that made me go

YAAYYYY!!!!!!
 

Yesterday, I heard people — at a big morning meeting at work — mention my name for being instrumental in creating positive changes they described as

REVOLUTIONARY!

I guess I also use that when I am

  • surprised by recognition,
  • praised in unexpected ways, and
  • don’t know what else to say.

A big YAY! of gratitude to John Williams, to Winston, to  people who attend my therapy groups, to supportive people at hospitals (including my trusted, long-time cardiologist Deeb Salem), to everybody I saw yesterday, and to you — of course!!!!!!! — for bringing all your arghhh!, yaayyyy!, and other reactions here, today.

Categories: personal growth, pride | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 62 Comments

Day 822: April Fools

I would be fooling if I wrote that yesterday —  April 1/April Fools Day, 2015 — was an easy day for me.

Was I a fool to see several cardiologists on April Fools Day, as I tried to reach non-foolish decisions about my foolishly unusual heart?

Here’s something I foolishly took a picture of, as I was waiting to see the first cardiologist on April Fools Day:

Here was the most foolishly scary thing I heard all day yesterday, soon after I took that foolish photo:

Your current doctors have been foolish by not replacing your valve before now. Valve surgery is the only thing that can save you. The operation may kill you, but if you do nothing, you will keep getting worse and die a horrible death.

You may think I am foolishly exaggerating what that first cardiologist said. I am not, although I foolishly cannot remember each one of his exact words.

After I heard those words (and many other scary ones), I shed a few tears. As always, it was NOT foolish to cry and to have my feelings.  Then, I went to the hospital where my long-time cardiologists — Dr. Salem and Dr. Estes —  have been treating me non-foolishly for over 30 years.

Here is Dr. Salem, trying not to make a fool of himself as he is interviewed on the phone by the Boston Business Journal:

Dr. Salem discussed many possible next steps with me, including:

  • Valve surgery
  • Pacemaker/defibrillator surgery
  • Heart transplant
  • Wait and see.

When I told him the scary words I’d heard from the cardiologist earlier in the day, Dr. Salem explained why those words  were foolish and not true. During the many years I have been working with Dr. Salem, he has helped me let go of foolish fear because of foolish  words I read or hear about my extremely rare cardiac condition, which can easily fool doctors who don’t know me well.

After I saw Dr. Salem on April Fools Day, I met with Dr. Mark Estes, whom I foolishly did not photograph.  Dr. Estes, like Dr. Salem, is no fool. He told me he has spent the last few months talking to as many non-foolish experts about  hearts like mine and reading as many non-foolish articles as he could find, in order to make his best, unfooled recommendation to me. Here was Dr Estes’s April Fools Day recommendation:

Replace my current cardiac pacemaker with a pacemaker-defibrillator combo and add new wires to pace and synchronize both ventricles of my heart.

Because I had foolishly not eaten enough yesterday and because I was still feeling the foolish fears from my first cardiology appointment earlier in the day, I foolishly did not write down all of the details of Dr. Estes suggestions, including the name of his recommended surgical procedure.

I am no fool, though, because I do remember all this:

  • This surgical procedure has a 50% chance of increasing my life longevity,
  • It is much less dangerous than valve surgery,
  • If it doesn’t work, we can always consider valve surgery again,
  • We scheduled this recommended surgery for May 4, and
  • The first  week of May is the week I was already planning to take off from work in order to enjoy the spring, which will be so foolishly and spectacularly gorgeous for all of us Bostonians who have survived this year’s foolish winter.

Be still, my foolish heart!

Actually, that’s a rather foolish thing to write, considering the circumstances.

Last night, I foolishly took all of these April Fools Day pictures:

          

      

      

What “Fool” song would you choose for this post-April Fools Day post?

Here’s my choice, about a fool on a hill:

No fooling: I’d be foolishly pleased if you leave any fool songs, questions, or comments below.

Heart-felt, day-after-April-Fools thanks to Dr. Deeb Salem, to Dr. Mark Estes, to Paul McCartney and the Beatles, to cardiologists everywhere, to those who try their best not to get fooled again, to hearts that follow their true path, and to you, my non-foolish and much  appreciated reader.

Categories: gratitude, personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 59 Comments

Day 817: What kind of day was yesterday?

What kind of day was yesterday?

I’m not sure  how to characterize my day yesterday. Maybe  you can help me put words on what kind of day it was.

Yesterday was a day when I:

  • created and ordered this t-shirt online,

  • got a flat tire on the way in to work, after my car met up with one of the kashmillion friggin’ potholes in my fine, snow-ravaged hometown of Boston,
  • was enough of an expert on the experience of flat tires that I was able to take care of that and get to work only five minutes late,
  • got my taxes done,
  • had some macaroni and cheese in the cafeteria of the hospital where I work,
  • met with somebody who was very interested in my therapy groups,
  • took these photos,

            

  • posted this in a Facebook group for people who have (or who love somebody who has) a very unusual heart like mine:*

I have a question, group! I am a 62 year old with cctga who developed a-fib in September 2013, and my doctors are now considering valve replacement. I’ve been hearing a lot lately about how adults with cctga become more prone to sudden cardiac death as we grow older. One of the cardiologists I’ve been consulting seems amazed that I have made it into my 60’s. Have other people heard about this as a problem?

One of my cardiologists is recommending that we replace my current pacemaker with a pacemaker/defibrillator combo before we do a valve replacement — an intervention I personally prefer because it’s less invasive. Actually, here’s another question: this same cardiologist says that if they replace my valve, this might actually make me worse. He is concerned they will put me on a machine during the valve surgery and will not be able to take me off of it because of the increased pressure to my heart because of the new valve.

Any thoughts, answers, questions about sudden cardiac death for people with cctga in their 50’s, 60’s, or beyond or about valve replacement dangers for people like me? Many thanks.

  • received several heartfelt and informative responses to that post–  that helped me feel hopeful, sad, scared, upset,  happy, worried, calm, surprised, and delighted — including this one:

Ann?! I’m like two towns over! I can’t believe that somebody with my condition is so close.

What kind of day was yesterday? What kind of words might describe it, for you?

I’d say that yesterday was the same kind of day as any other day:

  • A day that changed from moment to moment.
  • A day in which I had all my feelings.
  • A day of potholes and successes.
  • A day when I could connect with others, if I reached out.

I wonder what kind of day today will be? Here’s one thing  I know so far.

Today is a day when I’ve heard the song “Yesterday.”

What kind of day is it, for you?

Thanks to the Beatles, to all who helped make my day yesterday,  and to people with hearts of all kinds, especially you!


* What kind of heart did I have yesterday? One with congenitally corrected transposition of the great arteries (cctga). The same kind of heart I have today.

Categories: inspiration, personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: , , , , , , | 47 Comments

Day 639: Easy/difficult as pie

There is a saying

easy as pie

which I’ve never understood, because I’ve never learned to bake a pie. It’s certainly easy to EAT a pie, especially as the weather turns colder.

My favorite pie, when I was growing up, was blueberry pie.

Here’s something I wrote in 2nd Grade, when I was about 7 years old:

IMG_0124

IMG_0126

That’s difficult to see, isn’t it?  To make those words as easy as pie to read, here’s that faded, long-stored-away, historical document transcribed:

The Roller Skate Who liked to eat blueberry pie

Once there was a roller skate

Who liked to eat blue berry pie

He loved it so much that

he would gobble it

up and he was all through,

so he grew up with

awful table manners.

One day a manner professor

came to the little rollerskate’s

house and just at that

time he was gobbeling the

pie down. The manner professor

arrested the little roller skate and

he spended the rest of his

life in jail.

The last time I looked closely at that piece of pie writing — over thirty years ago —  I was charmed at my easy imagination.  When I read it recently, after rescuing it from a long storage in a Boston basement, I thought

Geesh!  That’s kind of harsh punishment for bad table manners, isn’t it? I love blueberry pie, too!  If I were observed gobbling it up, might I be arrested and spend the REST OF MY LIFE IN JAIL?

I’ve been thinking a lot lately — as I daily write this letting-go-of-judgment blog and talk to people who want to heal and feel better — about

  • the harshness of our self judgments,
  • how we so easily condemn ourselves to the jails of Guilt and Shame, often for very minor crimes, and
  • how difficult it is to change those old habits of self-jailing.

Yesterday, at the end of a long but inspiring work day — as  manner professors, jails, blueberry pies, and roller skates were rolling around in my tired head (among many other things) — I thought:

Eureka!  I’m going to improve the moment  and find the Best Pies in Boston (as opposed to the Worst Pies in London).

So I googled “Best blueberry pie Boston” and found this:

When it comes to pie, we like our hand-pressed crusts substantial and loaded to the brink with butter. So too does Petsi, and the Somerville and Cambridge shops augment their expertly sound pie foundations with just-as-serious fillings—blueberries with a big boost of cinnamon, say, or a bourbon-chocolate-pecan combination that makes for an irresistibly decadent wedge.

So, I gave myself a Mission Possible, which I chose to accept.

(I found that YouTube video here)

To find, secure, and deliver home the Best Blueberry Pie in Boston, braving numerous  dreaded dangers, including:

IMG_0119 IMG_0121 IMG_0122

Mission Accomplished!!!

On the scale of easy-to-difficult, I would rate that experience …

Hmmmm. I’m having difficulty judging that right now, I have to say.

On the one hand,  the traffic was ridiculous (or, at least, worse than I’m used to), there was no legal parking in sight, and it took a lot longer than usual to get home.

On the other hand, because I was focused on a mission, I enjoyed every minute of it. AND I defied my internal manner professor and PARKED IN AN ILLEGAL SPOT. And — I’m happy to report — I am NOT spending the rest of my life in jail.

So, getting and eating the pie — all in all — was easy. And delightful.

Further into the evening, things got more difficult.

I belong, on FaceBook, to a group of people who have my very unusual heart (called congenitally corrected transposition of the great vessels or LGTA or lots of other things) or who have children with my very unusual heart. Last night, in a continuing attempt to keep learning useful and new things, I watched a recommended Webinar titled

Aging with Congenitally Corrected Transposition 

I was hoping for some easy-as-pie or — at least — some achievable tips on self-care and other useful things.

Instead, I found myself listening to an expert doctor making the case that it was difficult, if not impossible, for people with hearts like mine to reach my ripe old age of 61.

At least, that’s how I heard it.

I have to admit that my son and my boyfriend, overhearing bits of the webinar from another room, recognized how difficult-as-pie this was to listen to and they both told me to do something as easy as pie: turn the friggin’ thing off immediately.

Which I did.

Then, the three of us spent some easy-as-pie moments together, saying all sorts of hopeful things, including:

  • You’ve already beaten those odds. — My son, Aaron.
  • Stephen Hawking was told when he was 20 that it was impossible for him to live even another few years … and HE’S IN HIS SEVENTIES. — My boyfriend, Michael
  • This reminds me not to worry about all those petty things that can clutter my mind, because that’s JUST RIDICULOUS.  — Me.

Then, I had another piece of pie, this time with chocolate ice cream on top:

photobpieandice

… ignoring all the manner professors in the world (including Michael, who would never, ever eat blueberry pie with any ice cream except vanilla).

After that easy pie, I posted some thoughts on the FaceBook group page, including:

I was reading through some posts on this page and found suggestions about watching a webinar about “Aging with Congenitally Corrected Transposition of the Great Arteries.” (http://vimeo.com/50410991) I watched a portion of it tonight and — honestly — I got pretty freaked out by the language and the conclusions I was hearing. Yes, I have heard all of this before — including concerns about my ventricle failing because it’s doing heavy work it wasn’t designed for — but the webinar, to me, seemed especially negative. I turned it off after I saw the graph showing people in a study all dying before the age I’ve currently reached (61). So I’m curious, and want to ask people who watched the whole webinar: does it get more positive? … This is an inherent challenge of having a congenitally corrected heart, I think … feeling safe enough to thrive and engage with life without fear, as we age.

I just went to FaceBook to check responses I got from the good people there, and those comments are helping me feel easier (if not as easy as that delicious blueberry pie from Petsi Pies) this morning.

Now, I need to go to work — where I get to sit with people who are dealing with things much more difficult than pie.

I just want to say this, in conclusion: I’m very grateful for the whole pie — blueberries, ice cream, and everything else. So, thanks to roller skates, manner professors, pies, and people everywhere who deal with the easy to the difficult every day — including you, of course!

Categories: inspiration, personal growth | Tags: , , , , | 26 Comments

Day 402: News (good, bad, and indifferent)

Regular readers of this blog know this:  I had my yearly check-up with my cardiologist, Dr. Salem, plus an important test of my heart, scheduled for yesterday.

Regular inhabitants of the United States know this:  The weather has been very challenging this year, and a snowstorm might have posed some challenges, yesterday, for my making this VIP — Very Important ‘Pointment.

Regular readers of this blog know this, also: I have limited time in the morning to write my daily post, which can be a challenge when I have lots to say.

And I do have lots to say, today.

So … how to organize this post, to promote clarity and good communication?

I’ve already indicated some organization — in the title. I also like to tell stories chronologically.

Let’s see how this goes, shall we?

Yesterday morning, after I finished my post, I decided to drive to work.  This was a risk, but a calculated one. With a lot of snow on my car, in the air, and on the roads, I chose a post-rush-hour departure time, to reduce the danger.

As I ventured out, I spoke to myself, like so:

Geesh, Ann!  Why are you (and other people) so afraid about snow?  I know snow causes accidents, but it’s beautiful! It’s light and fluffy, too. While you may have read how removing snow can cause heart attacks, you’re smart and experienced enough to figure out a way to get out of here that’s safe!

And once I felt safe enough, as usual, my sense of play kicked in.  And when I looked at my car and pondered ways to clean it off, I thought:

When you were a kid, you weren’t afraid of snow.  You enjoyed playing in it, and so did everybody else. So why not play with it now?  Don’t worry about looking like an adult, or “doing it the right way” as you’re cleaning off your car!  Just have fun with it!

And by:

  1. evoking good memories of my childhood and snow,
  2. imagining the fun I could have in the present,
  3. being in touch with my adult competencies and wisdom, and
  4. thinking about how I could share the results, at some point, with other people (including you, dear readers) ….

…. the result was: magic.

I know, dear readers, that I need to get to “the point” of this post: my afternoon cardiology appointment. But please bear with me, as I show you some photos of my morning.

I didn’t think to take a “before” photo of my car before I had fun clearing it off, so I will show you a photo of my downstairs neighbor Karen’s car:

Image

… so you can get some idea of how much snow there was.  Here’s my car after (what felt like) a short amount of music-filled fun, playing with the snow:

Image

Yay!

Then, to get safely to work (and continue to have fun), I just needed to remember:

  • I DO know how to drive in the snow (I HAVE had lots of practice)
  • I have a fine little car, for that purpose: it’s a 5-speed manual, and
  • I’ve had lots of practice with that, too.

So, I figured, if I’m very careful, pay attention, get in touch with my driving skill, AND remember this:

You have all the time you need.

(in other words: “Don’t rush, Ann!”) … driving to work should be fine.

And it was.

Here are some photos I took on the way to work.  (I only took photos while I was waiting at lights I knew were very long, so I wouldn’t have to rush, in any way):

Image

Image

Image

Image

As you can see, there was very little traffic. When I got to work, and somebody asked how my commute went, I said, “It was one of the easiest commutes I’ve ever had.”  And because she had driven in earlier, she looked very surprised.

Okay!  Time to write about my afternoon cardiology appointment.

I was scheduled for:

  1. My yearly echocardiogram, which shows much important information, regarding the function of my very unusual heart.
  2. A yearly check-up, with my cardiologist, Dr. Salem (whom I wrote about recently, here).

Good News

Because of the snow storm, very few patients were there, so I got lots of extra time with everybody.

Starting out, I got extra time with a very helpful echocardiography technologist, whom I hadn’t met before, but who was kind and informative. As a matter of fact, for the first time since 1980 (when I first found out about my very unusual heart), I think I may really understand how my heart works!

My new understanding, after all these years, does not reflect poorly on my cardiologist or on me. No, not at all, since the way my heart works is VERY counterintuitive. My heart has two big “mistakes” which cancel each other out (as a result, the blue blood goes to the lungs and the red blood goes to the body, just as it does with your heart). However,  different parts of my heart are doing things that they are … just not designed to do.

Now, I don’t mean that the different parts of my heart are doing something VERY different. That is, my ventricles — which do all the important major pumping (which is THE job of the heart)  — are still pumping blood to all the right places. My heart ventricles are not trying to do something totally out of their wheelhouse1 — like write this post or drive a car.

However (and this should probably be in the category of “Bad News”), the ventricle that is designed to do the tough work (pumping blood to the body) is doing the easy work (pumping to the lungs) AND the ventricle that is designed to do the easy work (pumping blood to the lungs) is doing the difficult work (pumping to the body).

And therein lies the danger — the possible bad news.  My ventricles may fail, prematurely, because they are doing what they are NOT designed to do.

But, we just don’t know.

More good news:

I also got lots of extra time with Dr. Salem AND (unexpectedly) with my other cardiologist, Dr. Mark Estes, whom I’ve written about previously, too — here (credited) and here (uncredited).

Now, why am I SO SPECIAL, that I have TWO cardiologists?  Well, I AM special.  Deal with it.2

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, yes.  Good news.

Actually, I don’t know how to place a lot of the news I heard yesterday into the buckets of Good and Bad.

I’ll just tell you the news, as I understand it, right now:

  • The two indicators of my heart function MIGHT BE showing a troubling trend.
  • For now, my heart is stable.
  • My cardiologists are not psychic, but they are definitely on top of all the possibilities — that I may or I may not need valve replacement surgery.3
  • Valve replacement surgery had never been discussed as a distinct possibility, before yesterday.
  • My doctors want to switch from seeing me once a year to …. once every three months.  That’s new, also.

As usual, I am trying to interpret “the clues” to figure out how safe I am.

And it’s very confusing, people!

But here’s some good news I’m sure about:

  • My doctors will do anything they can, to keep me alive as long as possible.  After yesterday’s appointment, I “got” that, in an entirely new way.
  • If I do need a valve replacement, they will be doing their best to grab the best window of opportunity, to ensure the best possible results.
  • I asked Dr. Salem, at the very end of our appointment, if he expected to be celebrating my 70th birthday with me. He had read the post I recently wrote, which explains that question. And he said ….

Yes.

So there it is, in one word: The good (enough) news I needed to hear.

Now, I need to wrap up this post.

I notice I haven’t included  a section for  “Bad News” or  for “Indifferent” in this post  (as I had originally planned).

I think the bad news, from my appointment yesterday, is scattered among the good news. And that’s just going to have to be good enough, for this post.

Also, I want to say this: the “bad news” is probably not as bad as I might fear. What is the bad news that I fear?

That I will die prematurely, and not get to see my child flourish in the world.

But that’s a fear that I probably share with a lot of other people, in one way or another, no matter what kind of heart they have.

And I have great people on my team.  Which is VERY good news.

So what else is missing from this post?  This part of my blog post title:

Indifferent.

Here’s what I want to say about “Indifferent” right now.

While I may sometimes assume indifference from my doctors, due to old indifference I experienced from doctors and nurses when I was a child in the hospital in the 1960’s, that is NOT the case, in the present.

As a matter of fact, my current treatment team is the OPPOSITE of indifferent.

Hmmmm. So what IS the opposite of indifferent?

Different?

Ooops!  Gotta run. There’s a lecture on Narrative Therapy today, one of my favorite ways of working with patient, clients, or whatever-you-want-to-call those amazing people I get to work with.

But you know what?  Among the many lessons I (re-)learned yesterday is this: I don’t have to rush.

In other words …

You have all the time you need.

Thanks to Dr. Salem, Dr. Estes,  Diane (who did my echocardiogram), people who are different and/or indifferent,  and to you — of course! — for visiting today.


1 To use an expression I’ve been hearing WAY too much of, lately. Why, oh why, are so many people in the media suddenly using the expression “In (or out) of somebody’s wheelhouse”?  What the hell 2 IS a wheelhouse, anyway?  Is it a house made of wheels?  A place to store wheels?  That phrase is totally counter-intuitive to me, people.  I get confused. (Although, I do know what that expression means.)

2 I’m a tad cranky, to tell you the truth, right now. Why?  Hunger (as usual) and, honestly, it’s tough to make sense of all the information I got yesterday. I guess I’ll grab some more food and take a breath.

3  The heart valves are switched on me, also, so one of them leaks quite a bit, presenting all sorts of potential dangers.

Categories: personal growth, photojournalism | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 35 Comments

Day 339: Group Ambivalence

I am a group therapist. I passionately believe in the healing power of groups.

Yesterday, I gave a presentation about group therapy, which went very well (as far as I can tell).  I am especially glad about this, because I skipped the “I SUCK!” step in preparing for it.  (See yesterday’s post, for more about that.)

When I talk about groups, I tend to do a good job, simply because I love doing them so very, very much.

And yet, I myself, have mixed feelings about joining groups. I think that’s okay, because that promotes my empathy for other people’s ambivalence about groups. (Yes, I belong to a group of human beings who are ambivalent about engaging with others in groups.)

Why are so many of us ambivalent about joining groups?  As usual, I can speak for my own experience, only.

Here are some thoughts I typically have, about joining a new group:

  • Will the other people understand me?
  • What about the differences I have from the other people?  Will those differences be valued?
  • Will I feel alone, in the presence of others, and might that not feel worse than feeling alone by myself?
  • Will I be judged?
  • Will I judge them?
  • Do I feel like I belong here?
  • Arrrghhh!  Maybe I should just forget it!
  • Or, perhaps …. I will learn a lot from this group.

I guess I could reduce all of those thoughts to this:  Should I stay or should I go?

Why am I writing about this, today?  Because yesterday, I not only gave a presentation about groups, I also joined a group, on Facebook, of people who have very, very unusual hearts like mine.* (If you want more details about what makes my heart so unusual, check out this blog post.)

And, already, all the thoughts I listed above (and more) have flitted through my head), like a bunch of butterflies.

Here are some other thoughts that are flitting around, right now:

  • These thoughts are familiar.
  • I’ve had these thoughts about being the member of many other groups.
  • I don’t have these thoughts, for the most part, when I am leading a group, because then I am in a different role.
  • I don’t have these thoughts, for the most part, about groups where I had no choice but to be a member.**

Hmmmm. I’m looking at that last point, right now, and thinking this:

I actually had no choice but to be a member of The Group of People with Hearts Like Mine. I was born into that group.

So maybe the question is this:  Do I want to think of myself as a member of that group?  Do I want to self-identify, that way?

I know this: I’ve always resisted labels. I have found labels reducing, somehow.

And perhaps that has to with being called a patient, so frequently, when I was so young. Maybe that’s a group I didn’t want to be a member of.

But maybe that label, “patient,” isn’t such a bad thing. Let’s see what images come up in Google, right now, for that word:

Image***

Image****

Image*****

Image******

Not so bad, right?

Thanks to the LTGA (CCTGA) and Double Switch Facebook group, every person in the world who contributed to making this post today, to group members everywhere, and to you — of course! — for reading today.

_________________________________

*  I found out about this group thanks to a comment by Erin, in response to this post.

** These groups include my family, American citizens, women, left-handed people, Jewish people, people who grew up in my home town, etc. etc.

*** I found this image here.

**** I found this image here.

***** I found this image here.

****** I found this image here.

Categories: inspiration, personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Day 281: Thick and Thin

Today’s post is random thoughts about ….

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

…. blood!

Image

Here we go ….

  • My son, when he was younger, didn’t want to even hear the word “blood,” much less see any of it.
  • When I describe to people how my very unusual heart works, I often say, as a punchline, “Amazingly, all the blood ends up in the right place.”
  • While anti-coagulant (anti-clotting) medication is also called “blood thinner,” a helpful pharmacist informed me last Tuesday that “the blood actually doesn’t become thinner.”
  • The first film created by the much-admired Coen Brothers was

Image

  • While I might use the word “friggin'” to express strong emotion or emphasis, other English-speaking people use the word “bloody.”
  • Somebody who says “Blood is thicker than water”  is expressing the opinion that “relationships and loyalties within a family are the strongest and most important ones.”*
  • I just asked my son, who is about ready to leave for school, his first association with the word “blood.”  His answer?  “Blood.”

It’s time to end this bloody post, people!

Thanks to my son, pharmacists everywhere, Ethan and Joel Coen, creative families of all kinds,  and to you, for reading today.

_________________________________________

* According to Google.

Categories: personal growth | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Powered by WordPress.com.