Every day, I stop and take time to blog. Yesterday morning, after I’d taken the time and the room to write my post, I dropped one of my favorite watches. It fell face down and — with the sound of glass meeting wooden floor — time stopped for me momentarily, as I catastrophized and imagined the worst:
I’ve broken that watch. I know it’s ruined.
When I picked up my beloved time-keeper, my negative thoughts stopped because I saw a face neither broken nor scratched. I then stopped to take the time to put on my watch, carefully.
Later in the day, I glanced at my watch to discover it had stopped.
I realized it was stopped at the exact time I had dropped my watch at home.
For the rest of the day, time was stopped at five minutes to 10, according to my watch. Nevertheless, I did not stop using my time at work.
After my time at work had stopped, I went to see a dance concert at one of Boston’s most popular venues, The Orpheum Theater. Throughout my life, I’ve stopped to enjoy performances at the Orpheum by Bruce Springsteen, Pat Metheny, the Moody Blues, and many other amazing musicians.
I stopped to snap these photos:
At some point during the night, time stopped again as I heard about the violence in Paris — at a soccer field, cafes, and a concert hall much like the Orpheum.
I hope the violence stops.
I’m stopping this post to express my grief about time stopping for so many, last night.
Finally, I never stop feeling grateful for those who dance, those who read, and those who work for peace.
If you do worry about worry, don’t worry, because you’re not alone. If you don’t worry about worry, don’t worry about that, either. Let me worry about explaining worry about worry to you, now.
Actually, I’m not worried about explaining worry about worry, since so many worried people worry about that in therapy sessions, every day.
Worry about worry can include:
worrying that worry is going to have a negative effect on your health or the health of others and
worrying that you’re not worrying enough about something that would usually worry you.
I’m not going to worry about having only two examples of worry about worry here, but I will add that worry about worry is similar to:
stress about stress,
guilt about how much guilt you feel,
shame about your level of shame,
anger about anger, and
fear about fear.
All of those feelings about feelings can grow upon grow, expanding way beyond your initial reaction.
Should we worry about that?
Let’s not.
Instead, should we worry about the fact that — after months of my worrying about transporting my iPhone photos over to my laptop and therefore worrying each and every word of these posts on my iPhone keyboard — I’m not worrying about that, this morning?
If you’re worried about that last worried paragraph, here’s what I mean about what I meant there:
I’m back on my laptop, today, writing this worried post.
Worried about whether I’ll be able to worry recent photos from my unworried iPhone into this Worry-about-Worry post?
No worries.
Let’s be jovial about Jovial, instead!
I’m not going to worry about inserting any music into this post. Would anybody like to worry some music about worry into a comment, below?
Unworried thanks to ME for figuring out how to transport photos quickly and painlessly between my iPhone and my laptop, again, and special thanks to you — of course! — for not worrying about worry, as best you can.
a lot lately, as I’ve been doing my best to let go of scary, health-threatening experiences that were falling into place in my life, starting in November of last year.
Since May, when an Implantable Cardiac Device fell into place in my heart, I’ve been gradually falling into a place of hope about the future.
Now that Michael’s oft-repeated phrase
Everything’s falling into place
has fallen into place in my blog, I’m wondering what Michael means, exactly, when he says those words, a smile falling into place on his face.
For example,
What are these things that are falling?
Where is this place they are falling into?
Will they break when they land?
I can’t ask Michael those questions (because he’s fallen into a place of slumber) but this is falling into place for me: Question #3 , which fell into place above, reflects how catastrophizing — and other automatic cognitive distortions — can so easily fall into place in the human mind.
Do unhelpful, fearful, and unnecessary thoughts fall into place, sometimes, in your mind?
If so, let them fall into place where they belong:
The trash.
Let’s see if any other photos fall into place, in this post.
Lots of chocolate candies have fallen into place in that display case.
.
Two pieces of candy and coin have fallen into place on that countertop.
.
Harley has fallen into place on that rug, which — if my memory is falling into place correctly — also has fallen into place somewhere in the home of WordPresser Diana Schwenk.
.
Oscar seems glad that some water has fallen into place in his dish.
Because I was so busy, yesterday, making sure that informational messages about my 45th high school reunion were falling into place for my classmates, no other photos fell into place on my phone.
However, here‘s some music that falls into place, right now:
The Beatles song “I’ve Just Seen a Face” fell into place quite nicely there, don’t you agree?
Which parts of this post fell into place for you?
My thanks are now falling into place for Michael, my Implantable Cardiac Device, our cats, chocolate, the Beatles, the Loading Dock, and faces I like to see, including yours!
Yesterday, during a therapy session. I wrote this on my office whiteboard:
I wrote that for somebody who’s been having some very painful and stubbornly unshakable worries about the future. Recognizing that as a helpful antidote for the cognitive distortion of catastrophizing, she took a picture of it, so she could look at it whenever the negative, frightening thinking came back.
As you can see, I took a picture of it also, to help with my own automatic, fortune-telling thoughts.
I think that picture has been working, because I do believe that I’m going to be okay … today, tomorrow, and the next day.
Do you believe that, now, for yourself?
Here are some other things I believe that helped me (and perhaps others) to be okay, yesterday:
Okay! I do love adventure, but I don’t think I should howl at this particular moment. I believe that howling is okay, but it’s extremely early in the morning, right now.
Believe that I’m going to be okay today at a conference on medical practice innovation in Boston (and afterwards, at one of my therapy groups at work).
Before I leave, is it okay if I share some “Believe that you’re going to be okay” music?
I believe that you’re going to be okay with one of these “Believe” songs.
During my time at work yesterday, this was the only thing I awkwardly wrote on my white board:
I hope I can explain, non-awkwardly and clearly, why “Awkward” was hanging around on my white board yesterday, awkwardly alone like that.
I wrote “Awkward” during a final “termination” session (terminating therapy is described further and perhaps somewhat awkwardly in this here post), when a patient and I said goodbye to each other after working together for several months. This termination session had been cancelled and rescheduled several times over the last week or so, because of the extreme Boston winter weather, which is making it supremely awkward to get anywhere these days.
I asked the patient, in yesterday’s termination session, what it was like for him to say goodbye to me (or to anybody else), and that’s when “Awkward” showed up.
Personally, I did not feel awkward about the word “Awkward” showing up in that way, because I think a lot of people feel awkward when saying “goodbye,” and I think it helps make the situation less awkward by naming the awkwardness.
What do you think of that awkward sentence, above?
I hope you don’t feel awkward about expressing your thoughts and feelings about anything I’m awkwardly including here today.
(I feel a little awkward writing this now, but I think I might have too much to show and tell today about the topic “awkward,” which might make this post awkwardly long and confusing.)
Where was I, before that awkward digression?
Oh, yes. After I took that first photo yesterday, I knew “awkward” would be the topic today, and then I saw “awkward” everywhere, especially when I was trying to make my way home through the very awkward snow, ice, and super-cold temperatures in the Boston area. But I didn’t want to stop in the middle of any road and take photos — that would have been awkward, for lots of reasons.
I did manage to capture this one shot of the awkwardly-not-so-great outdoors:
Hey! That photo reminds me, awkwardly, that it’s Valentine’s Day today. However,
we’re all awkwardly cold and snow-bound, where I live,
it’s awkward to get out to buy flowers, candy, and other non-awkward or awkward gifts (depending upon your thoughts and feelings about Valentine’s Day), and
my son and I are flying to California today, leaving my boyfriend Michael behind with our cats, which seems like a particularly awkward Valentine’s Day present.
Also, the name of that shop — “Paradise Flowers” — is awkward, considering the current circumstances in the Northeast USA.
A few nights ago, when I was unknowingly coming down with an awkward fever and awkwardly taking these photos at Whole Foods Market (awkwardly presented before in this blog post, here) …
… I awkwardly slipped away from Michael and found a Valentine’s Day card for him. Then, I awkwardly ran to an open line and asked a nice cashier to RING THIS UP, QUICK! because I was buying it for my boyfriend who might awkwardly appear at any moment, and she got awkward and frazzled, but we managed to complete the transaction without Michael awkwardly spoiling the surprise.
I just took an awkwardly fuzzy photo of that Valentine’s Day card, but uploading photos has been awkwardly inconsistent for me lately (which is particularly awkward timing, because of the previously awkwardly mentioned two-week trip to California), so I’ll just awkwardly tell you this: the card has a picture of a duck.
Awkward!
More “awkward” thoughts from your awkward WordPress host, in the awkwardly cold and snowy here and now:
For some awkwardly unknown reason, writing these blog posts is very technically awkward for me these days — my cursor is awkwardly freezing; linking to other sites, fixing typos, etc. are now all awkwardly and unexpectedly difficult; and I am awkwardly thrown out of each post I’m composing at least once. I awkwardly don’t know who to blame … WordPress, my laptop, or me. Here’s an non-awkward solution: I shall blame nobody and just keep awkwardly posting on.
With post creation here more obviously awkward and difficult for me, I’m awkwardly catastrophizing that WordPress might awkwardly go away some day, AND WILL ALL MY HUNDREDS OF POSTS DISAPPEAR, TOO? That would be VERY awkward.
I awkwardly read a WordPress post by another blogger whose name I’ve awkwardly forgotten the other day that put that catastrophic scenario of LOSING EVERYTHING awkwardly into my head, but when I tried to follow the instructions for saving all of my awkward and non-awkward posts for posterity, that awkwardly did NOT work.
I can easily feel awkward in new situations, so I may very well feel some awkwardness when I awkwardly encounter all the adventures ahead of me for the next two weeks in California. I believe I am awkwardly ready enough for all that.
Yesterday, when I was awkwardly looking at the awkward weather forecast for the Boston area (which included ANOTHER !*!!(@)!!!?@ AWKWARD BLIZZARD), it seemed like the timing of that blizzard might awkwardly delay the flight later today that my son and I have been awkwardly anticipating for several weeks. For now, I am awkwardly keeping my awkward fingers crossed.
That next awkwardly anticipated blizzard has already caused the awkward public transportation system in the Boston area to totally and awkwardly shut down for tomorrow, Sunday. That’s going to make things awkward for a lot of people.
Here’s another awkward segue: After I got home from work, yesterday, my downstairs neighbor Karen’s dog, Faxy, ran upstairs into our apartment and had a close-if-not-awkward encounter with our very non-awkward cat, Oscar. I would feel very awkward if I did not show you some of these pictures, as I promised Karen yesterday I would, but it’s awkward for me to decide which ones of the many photos I awkwardly took yesterday to awkwardly share with you now.
That last awkward photo includes the awkwardly elusive and shy Harley under the table, who actually seemed to feel LESS awkward with a STRANGE DOG than he does with two of the humans who live with him (including one who actually CHOSE AND RESCUED HIM FROM THE SHELTER).
Awkward!
Here is one more awkward image I noticed last night:
That’s an awkward birthday card I unexpectedly received from one of my old college roommates, Nancy. I just tried to change the awkward sideways orientation of that photo the way I usually do, but that didn’t work.
Awkward!
Would it be awkward for me to ask you what awkward music you might include in this awkward post?
Last night, I decided to choose this song, which has some awkward lyrics about California:
I shall now awkwardly ask, again, for any comments, awkward or not.
Thanks to all awkward and non-awkward humans, animals, weather systems, and computer interfaces who/that (awkward!) helped me compose this here awkward post and I hope it doesn’t seem awkward that I’m particularly grateful to YOU, for visiting today.
I am so looking forward to flying to California in two days to get warmer.
California will definitely be warmer than Boston, these days.
Here’s an unexpected way I’ve been getting warmer. I’m running another fever.
Sometimes when I’m upset and having catastrophizing thoughts, like “I won’t be able to fly to California on Saturday!” I feel warmer, too.
I’m trying to stay cool about all this, by letting my doctors know, staying home from work today, and letting go of worst-case thinking.
I’ve also been feeling uncool this morning, because none of the photos I took yesterday on my iPhone are loading to my laptop. I thought I’d be getting warmer to fixing that problem by using a new cable, but the photos still won’t load.
That’s okay. I’m staying cool about that, too, by including these never-before-blogged photos, demonstrating how Boston is a long way from getting warmer:
Somebody said this in my office yesterday, during a therapy session:
In that question, I heard all this:
Am I to blame?
Am I the only one?
Am I not seeing things clearly?
Am I strange?
How might YOU hear, ask, or answer that question …
Today, I’m feeling sick and running a fever.
It’s definitely me, Ann Koplow, running fevers between 99 and 101 F, since I got home from work last night.
Last year, I wrote this post about running a fever, which turned out to be pneumonia, which kept me out of work for over a month.
I don’t like to stay out of work that long, because I love what I do as an individual and group therapist.
My doctors and I have a plan that I should get tested whenever I run a fever, to prevent the possibility of endocarditis — an inflammation of the heart I’ve had three time before.
You might be thinking now:
”
Shouldn’t Ann go get tested? Like NOW?”
Never fear; I have emailed my doctors to see what they advise.
I have a preference to NOT go into the hospital to see doctors any time soon, especially since my birthday is three days away.
I don’t think that’s just me. Who would want to be in the hospital on their birthday?
I don’t know if you notice, but I tend to catastrophize worst case scenarios. “I have a fever! Oh NO! It’s something AWFUL! I’m going to be in the hospital ON MY BIRTHDAY!!”
Actually, catastrophizing and quickly going to worst case scenarios is NOT just me. I witness people doing that all the time, in individual and group therapy.
It’s me, again, letting you know that I heard back from Dr. Salem, my incredibly speedy and wonderful cardiologist, telling me that I should go in to the hospital today and get tested for flu and endocarditis.
I don’t think it’s just me who would have this reaction: I don’t want to go out in the cold and soon-to-be-snowy conditions, here in the Northeastern USA. However, I will. I’m a very good patient (I’ve had lots of practice) and I completely trust my doctors.
One more
… before I end this post. Am I alone in thinking all these photos are interesting and beautiful, in their own way?
Many thanks to Dr. Salem and to everybody who has ever thought or said, “Is it me?”
I woke up in one place this morning, but my mind was going lots of places, wondering what I might post about today.
Here’s the first thing I heard, on the radio:
On a morning like this, rainy and dark, we would expect problems on the road. Here are some spin-outs and accidents on your commute this morning.
Sounds like some cars were all over the place, too (before ending up in one spot).
Are there any places I want this post to go, before I hit the rainy road?
For those who read my post yesterday, I want to tell you that — after I fearfully went all over the place from watching the beginning of a webinar about my very unusual heart (which had some scary data) — I watched the rest of it, which brought me to more balanced, hopeful places.
Catastrophizing. This is a particularly extreme and painful form of fortune telling, where we project a situation into a disaster or the worst-case scenario. You might think catastrophizing helps you prepare and protect yourself, but it usually causes needless anxiety and worry.
Examine the Evidence.
Instead of assuming your negative thought is true, look at the evidence. For example, if you think “I never do anything right,” list some things you do well..
My mind has been going all over place, distracted, as I’ve been writing this, because the toilet has been running, running, running (while staying in one place), without stop.
I just fixed it, and that annoying noise has stopped. Now my mind can go other places.
But where?
Yesterday afternoon, my car went all over the place (because I misunderstood some instructions from my GPS system, Waze) on my way to see my therapist. I haven’t seen my therapist for a while, so our conversation went all over the place. At one point, the meandering discussion stopped at this blog, as follows:
Me: I’ve been posting every day since January 1, 2013, and I haven’t received any negative comments. Not one.
My therapist: That’s extraordinary.
My thoughts are going all over the place, right now:
My therapist just does not know my readers. If she did, she wouldn’t be that surprised.
When I’m writing a post and my thoughts and words are going all over the place, I often do imagine negative comments somebody might make.
What if somebody did make a negative comment here? So what?! I like to invite negative reactions in my work as a psychotherapist … I’m sure I would survive (and learn from) any negative comments, in any place.
I wonder what I should eat for breakfast?
I think this post has successfully gone all over the place. Are there any other places I want to send it, before it comes to a stop?
I admire how you turn readers on to artists and songs they’d otherwise never encounter, Ann.
I like going places that my readers — including Mark — send me.
Recently, when I was walking and thinking all over the place, I heard “Me and My Town” from Anyone Can Whistle — a musical Stephen Sondheim wrote when he was very young (before he really went places).
Even if you go all over the place on WordPress, I doubt you’ll encounter “Me and My Town” anywhere else. Here it is, from the original cast of Anyone Can Whistle.
When I was listening to”Me and My Town,” sung by Angela Lansbury, I took some photos of my town, Boston, which I would like to show you today.
Hmmm. I’m going all over the place, right now, looking for those photos I took last week. I know there were lots of photos of
[Me and] my town, battered about …
… Grass on the sidewalks, but not in the park
… but I can’t find those images right now. That’s not surprising … they look like a lot of other photos I take for this blog!
(Pssst! If you want to see all the lyrics of “Me and My Town,” here‘s another place you can go.)
I have to leave soon to go another place (that would be work), so here are some photos you haven’t seen before, taken in Boston, which will just have to do:
I’ll end this all-over-the-place post with some words the Mayoress from Anyone Can Whistle sings again and again, as she goes all over the place in “Me and My Town.”
We just want to be loved.
Thanks to everybody who ever goes all over the place, which (I assume) would include Dr. Carole Warnes* (the expert from the webinar on congenitally corrected transposition), my therapist, Mark Bialczak, Stephen Sondheim, Angela Lansbury, the people of Boston, and — of course! — you!
* One more place I want to go, here. When I googled “Dr. Carole Warnes” just now, I found another WordPress site, called “Adventures of a Funky Heart.” I’ll be going there (and other places) soon.
I had a lot of $ anxiety yesterday. It was almost overwhelming.
$ anxiety = a major source of stress, for lots of people.
My $ anxiety, however, didn’t really make ¢¢. While there’s been some recent health + work uncertainty in my life, I’m not in real $ danger, at the moment.
Catastrophizing.
This is a particularly extreme and painful form of fortune telling, where we project a situation into a disaster or the worst-case scenario. You might think catastrophizing helps you prepare and protect yourself, but it usually causes needless anxiety and worry.
Besides catastrophizing, here are other things that ^^^ my $ anxiety:
Unexpected charges.
The involvement of large bureaucracies (like the Internal Revenue Service).
Needing to make decisions, quickly.
Having to rely on other people.
Distrust.
Worry about being taken advantage of, because of my lack of expertise.
Confusion about the right thing to do.
Fear of making the “wrong” decision.
Imagining others judging me as “foolish.”
????
Except for #1 on that list, none of those have to do with $. The rest are worries related to (1) control, (2) other people, (3) decision-making, & (4) mistakes/perfectionism — like __%* of my other posts.
!!@$`!|_!¢?!+!¡ª[&º–≠{!!)}§]$?¶•(?~&!! **
Now that I’ve gotten THAT off my chest, I want to acknowledge that $ stress can be all too real, to a large % of the world’s population.
But when you add worries about the future + regrets about the past, to $ concerns, that stress can seem ….
Since I have some worry that “The Best Things in Life Are Free” from Mad Men, starring one of my favorite song-and-dance men, Robert Morse, might disappear — poof! — from YouTube, all too soon … let’s do one more song about $.
And since I have some worry that some of my readers can’t see videos in my post, I’m letting go of that — poof! — with these stress-reducing and/or keyboard-character-related images, from yesterday:
Thanks to the Beatles (for reminding us that money can’t buy us love), to Robert Morse, to Mad Men, to Angry Women, to people in all sorts of states, to silly and non-silly geese, to special characters on my keyboard (and elsewhere), and to you — of course!!!! — for reading today.
* Of course I’m going to have footnotes today … it’s another excuse to use special characters in this post! Oh, and I don’t know what percentage of my posts include those things, but it’s a #$@!!!%^$#@!!** large one.
** Indicating swear words, obscenities, and other uncivilized expressions of emotion.
It’s helpful to focus on the present, letting go of regrets about the past (which we cannot change) and worries about the future (which we cannot control).
However, humans look into the future, as a way to prepare.
During certain times of the year, preparation seems more important. For example, if it’s cold and dark outside and we don’t prepare for that before we go out … we might be sorry. (I considered writing “WE MIGHT DIE!!!!”, but I didn’t want to alarm anybody.)
Also, during the Christmas season, people prepare in many different ways. They buy gifts. They often prepare to connect with family and friends.
I don’t know about you, but preparation can make me anxious. Why? Oh, probably because I think I need to do a great job at everything or …. dire results may occur. (I doubt that buying a bad gift will actually kill me, but who knows?)
Anyway, I got a little lost in my own catastrophizing there.
So what were my points, for this post today?
People worry about the future. It’s human. And certain situations increase our worry.
Agreed?
Speaking for myself, I am definitely thinking about next week, with some expectations and feelings. I’m wondering if any of you share that experience with me.
If so, I have some news about next week. Next week is going to be unlike any week we’ve ever experienced before.
Now, this may sound like fortune-telling, but I have proof. Yesterday, at work, I was talking to a doctor in her office, and she suddenly said, “Look! I’ve never seen THAT before.”
And she pointed at the calendar, on her desk. Here’s a picture of it:
I’ve never seen that before, either. And, I’m not sure how to interpret this data.
Maybe, if the 16th doesn’t go well for people, we get a “do-over” the next day.
So you may want to prepare for that.
Thanks to all the doctors I work with (for their vision and foresight), people preparing everywhere, and to you — of course!! — for reading today.
